6.15 The French Mistake (Transcript)

TEASER

INT. BOBBY'S HOUSE

SAM Where's Bobby?

DEAN In town, supply run.

SAM In this?

DEAN Yeah, man's a hero. We were officially out of hunter's helper. (Dean gestures at his empty liquor bottle)

BALTHAZAR - - Hello, boys. You've seen "the Godfather," right?

DEAN Balthazar...

BALTHAZAR You know, the end, where Michael Corleone sends his men to kill his enemies in one big, bloody swoop? (Bathazar finds a container of salt and pours it into a bowl on Bobby's desk)

DEAN Hey!

BALTHAZAR  "dead sea brine." good, good, good. You know, Moe Greene gets it in the eye, and Don Cuneo gets it in the revolving door?

DEAN I said "hey."

BALTHAZAR You did. Twice. Good for you. Blood of lamb. Blood of lamb. (looking through Bobby's fridge contents) Beer, cold pizza. Blood of lamb. Yes! Blood of lamb!

SAM Why are you talking about "the Godfather"?

BALTHAZAR Because we're in it -- right now, tonight. And in the role of Michael Corleone -- The archangel Raphael.

DEAN You mind telling us what you mean?

BALTHAZAR No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. (empties the contents of Bobby's desk drawer) Yes. Bone of a lesser saint. This vertebra will do very nicely. Your Mr. Singer does keep a beautiful pantry.

DEAN Wait, Raphael is after you?

BALTHAZAR Raphael is after us all. You see, he's consolidated his strength. And now he's on the move.

SAM And where's Cass?

BALTHAZAR Oh, Cassie? He is deep, deep underground. So, good old Raffy put out a hit list on every last samaritan who helped our dear Cass -- Including both of you. And so much more importantly, me. See, he wants to draw Cass out in the open.

SAM And you expect us to just believe you?

BALTHAZAR Oh, don't. You'll go where I throw you either way.

DEAN What's that supposed to mean?

(lightning flashes)

BALTHAZAR That's all the time we have, gentlemen. (Balthazar opens his jacket revealing a bloodstain on his side) Where is it?

DEAN Whoa. What happened there?

BALTHAZAR Oh. Garish, I know. You see, uncle Raffy sent one of his nastiest to handle me. I'm flattered, actually. And down a lung at the moment, but that's all right. (hands Sam keys) Oh, here's for you.

SAM What am I supposed to do with this?.

BALTHAZAR Run with it.

(Balthazar is thrown across the room as an angel, Virgil appears)

BALTHAZAR Virgil. (to Sam and Dean) I said, run! ( pushes them through the window which is marked with a blood sigil)

(Sam and Dean crash through Bobby's window and land on a mattress on a tv show set)

BOB SINGER Cut!

CREWMEMBER (patting Dean on the rear) Real good solid fall. Way to go.

BOB SINGER Jared, Jensen! Outstanding! That was just great.

CREWMEMBER "Supernatural,"scene one echo, take one. Tail slate. Marker!

Act I

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET

SAM So...No angels?

DEAN No angels, I think.

BOB SINGER But that was great!

SERGE ...it's not a problem with the stunt. It's a problem with the...signal.

SAM Should we be killing anybody?

SERGE Interference.

DEAN I don't think so.

BOB SINGER Well, how much did we get?

SAM - Running?

KEVIN - About half.

DEAN Where?

KEVIN Gets us right up to where they --Just before they hit the window.

BOB You know, the part where they hit the window is the good part.

KEVIN Well, we can clean up, reset the window, takes about 95 minutes, basically. So, we'd have to blow off the scene where they sit on the impala and talk about their feelings.

(Sam picks up a piece of the 'window' which wobbles back and forth, clearly made of some kind of gel.)

BOB Ha. Right. You answer the hate mail.

KEVIN Or we could have them fly at the window, then freeze frame. Then cut to black, act out.

BOB Freeze frame.

KEVIN Um...Yeah. Freeze frame.

SERGE Serviceable.

BOB Fine. Whatever. Season six. Moving on.

KEVIN Moving on! That's a wrap on Jared and Jensen!

SAM W-who the hell are --

INTERVIEWER Jared! Three minutes, okay? Great. (takes Sam by the hand and leads him away)

DEAN Where are we going?

MAKEUP ARTIST Jensen, there you are! Let's just get you in the chair.

DEAN "chair"?

MAKEUP ARTIST Okay, hon, we're just gonna get this makeup off your face.

DEAN Wha--I'm not wearing any ma--(Dean looks at the cloth the makeup artist has just wiped over his face to find it covered in foundation) Oh, crap! I'm a painted whore!

TRISH Trish Evian here with Jared Padalecki from tv's "Supernatural." So, Jared, season six.

(Sam is looking over his shoulder into the set of the panic room and turns back in confusion)

SAM What?

TRISH You beat the devil, lost your soul, and got it back again. So tell us, what's next for sam winchester?

SAM Look, I-I-I really don't --

TRISH Oh, and if you could include the question in your answer? Thanks.

(Sam laughs nervously)

(Dean meets up with Sam)

SAM Hey.

DEAN Dude, they put freakin' makeup on us! Those bastards!

SAM Look, I think I know what this is.

DEAN Okay. What?

SAM It's a tv show.

DEAN You think?

SAM Yeah. I mean, here --wherever "here" is, this -- this twilight zone Balthazar zapped us into. For whatever reason, our life is a tv show.

DEAN Why?

SAM I don't know.

DEAN No, seriously. Why? Why would anybody want to watch our lives?

SAM Well, I mean, according to that interviewer, not very many people do. Look, I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying, we -- we landed in some dimension where you're Jensen Ackles, and I'm something called a "Jared Padalecki."

DEAN So what, now you're polish? Is any of this making any sense to you?

(they exit the studio and see the Impala)

EXT. BACKLOT

DEAN Oh, hey. Least my baby made it.

(a crewmember starts flinging mud onto the windshield)

DEAN Hey. Hey! What -- (Dean sees 3 more Impalas) I feel sick. I'm gonna be sick. I want to go home. I feel like this whole place is bad-touching me.

SAM Yeah, I know. Me too. So, what do you think? Cass?

DEAN He's our best shot, if he's still alive. Dear Castiel, who art maybe running his ass away from heaven, we pray that you have your ears on. So... Breaker breaker...

( they spot Castiel a short distance away)

DEAN Cass? Cass! Hey, Cass! Oh, thank god. What is all this, huh? W-w-what did Balthazar do to us?

MISHA To keep you out of virgil's reach, he's cast you into an alternate reality, a universe similar to ours in most respects yet dramatically different in others.

DEAN Like -- like bizarro earth, right? Except instead of having Bizarro superman, we get this clown factory.

MISHA Um...Yeah, well...Anyway, no time to explain. Do you have the key?

SAM Yeah.(hands Misha the key) So, uh, what does this thing do, anyway?

MISHA It opens a room.

DEAN What's in the room?

MISHA Every weapon Balthazar stole from heaven.

DEAN He gave it to us?

MISHA To keep it safe until I could reach you. With those weapons, I have a chance to rally my forces.

SAM Oh. Okay, good. Yeah. So, now, uh, what's the deal with all this tv crap?

MISHA Pardon?

DEAN Yeah. Amen, Padaleski.

SAM Uh, "lecki."

DEAN What?

SAM Lecki. Pretty sure.

MISHA Man.(pulling out his script) Did they put out new pages?

DEAN New what?

SAM I mean, is this some kind of cosmic joke?

DEAN Yeah, 'cause if it is, it's stupid, and we don't get it.

SAM Yeah.

MISHA Are you guys okay?

DEAN (grabs the script from Misha) Give me that. What is -- these are words in a script. This isn't Cass. 

SAM Dude, look at him.

MISHA (unbutonning his shirt to reveal a patterned new age t-shirt underneath) You guys want to run lines, or...?

DEAN His name's Misha. Misha?

SAM Oh, wow. Just...Great.

DEAN Misha? Jensen? What's up with the names around here?

MISHA You guys! You really punked me! I'm totally gonna tweet this one. (pulls out his phone and starts typing) "Hola, mishamigos. "J-squared... Got me good."

DEAN I just want to dig my finger in my brain and scratch until we're back in Kansas.

MISHA "Really...Starting to feel... Like one of the guys."

(Dean and Sam walk by a giant trailer)

SAM Hey. "J. Ackles."

DEAN That's fake me!

SAM Yeah.

DEAN This must be fake mine.(they enter the trailer) Dude, I have a helicopter!

INT. TRAILER

SAM Oh. All right, who puts a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer?

DEAN Apparently, Jensen Ackles.

SAM Huh. (spots a laptop) All right, here we go. Let's see who this guy is.

DEAN Well, he's not a hunter, but he plays one on tv. (gestures to the large tv at the back of the trailer that's playing the season 4 gag reel) Oh. ( picks up a magazine with Jared and Jensen on the cover) Come on. Look at these male-modelin' sons of bitches. Nice "blue steel,"Sam.

SAM Hey. Apparently, it's our job. All right, uh, here goes. Um...It says you're from Texas.

DEAN Really?

SAM Yeah. And, uh...Oh. Says you were on a soap opera.

DEAN What?

(they watch a clip of Jensen on Days of our Lives)

'If I didn't have cancer, and I wasn't married, and I had plenty of money... Would you -- would you want to run away with me?'

'Money? What, you think I really care about money, Nicole?  I care that you're healthy.'

'Well, I'm no quitter, Eric.I-I --'

(Dean slams the laptop shut)

DEAN Don't like this universe, Sammy. We need to get out of this universe.

SAM Yeah. No argument here. But I don't think our -- our prayers are reaching Cass. Or the real Cass.

DEAN Well, I agree. I think we are definitely out of, uh, soul-phone range. But...

SAM What?

DEAN If we can reverse Balthazar's spell... I watched every move. (Dean sketches out the sigil)We just, uh, get the ingredients, right, get back to that same window, and...There's no place like home.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET

SAM Backbone of a lesser saint. (Sam pulls the bone out of Bobby's drawer) Got it. Uh...(Sam pokes at the bone and realizes it is fake) It's rubber.

DEAN Check this out. (holds up a prop dagger and bends the blade back and forwards) Hey, look. It's fake. (Dean jabs the fake dagger at Sam's chest) It's all fake!

BOB (watching through the window of the set) Well, at least they're talking to each other.

DEAN What are we supposed to do with this crap?

EXT. BACKLOT

SAM 'course everything is fake. We're on a film set.(they approach one of the Impalas) We got to get back to the real world.

DEAN Yeah, now you're talking. (they get in the Impala and start driving) All right, we go round up the genuine articles, bring 'em here for the spell. (to the car) What the hell is going on? What is wrong with this thing?

CREWMEMBER (running alongside Impala, knocking on the window) Mr. Ackles! Mr. Ackles, please!

SAM Uh, Dean?

CREWMEMBER God, Mr. Ackles, please!

SAM Dean, it's not the impala.

CREWMEMBER Please! Stop.

SAM You think?

CREWMEMBER Please!

DEAN It's a frigging prop! Just like everything else.

(they stop and exit the Impala)

CREWMEMBER Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for...

DEAN How the hell are we supposed to get out of here?

INT. CAR

CLIF You know whereabouts you want me to drop you off? Jensen?

DEAN Me? Yes. Um...I -- I'll just tag along with, uh...

SAM Jared. 

DEAN Jared...Jared here.

CLIF Huh. Since when are you guys talking?

SAM Yeah, uh, y-you know what, Clint, uh...

CLIF Uh, uh, Clif.

SAM Y-yeah. Yeah, of course. Clif. Obviously. Um, so, uh, I think we're gonna go back to my place a-and do some...work.

DEAN Work on our acting.

SAM Yeah.

DEAN For our characters. For the show.

SAM Yeah.

CLIF All right.

DEAN Where the hell are we, anyway? (sees a Welcome to Vancouver sign) Dude, we're not even in America.

EXT. PADALECKI MANSION

(Sam and Dean enter the mansion)

INT. PADALECKI MANSION

DEAN Nice modest digs, Jay-z.

SAM Wow. I must be the star of this thing.

DEAN Yeah, right. Check it out. (nods towards a tanning bed)

SAM What am I, Dracula?

DEAN George Hamilton Dracula. (Dean spots a liquor cabinet) Oh. Now we're talking. (peering out the glass doors) Dude, you have a camel in your backyard.

GENEVIEVE It's an alpaca, dumbass.

DEAN Ruby?

GENEVIEVE "Ruby." right. That one never gets old. (to Sam) How was work today, hon?(kisses Sam)

Act II

INT. PADALECKI MANSION

DEAN Wait. You and Ruby?

GENEVIEVE Do you honestly think that's funny,  Jensen?

DEAN Right. Right. 'cause you're not Ruby. You...I mean,  how could you be? You...Of course! You are the lovely actress who plays Ruby. And you are, uh, in...Jared's house, Uh, because you two are...(spots a photo on the mantle of Jared and Genevieve's wedding)...Married! You married fake Ruby?

GENEVIEVE What are you doing?

SAM Work. Work.

DEAN Yeah, just, uh, thought I'd pop in, say "hey." Hey. Uh, and -- and --and maybe run some lines. It's...

GENEVIEVE You've never even been to our house.

DEAN Well, now that I know there's an alpaca out back, I'm definitely coming back.

GENEVIEVE Well, alpacas are the greenest animal.

DEAN Right. Right. That is so important.

GENEVIEVE Well, there's that thing I have to get to.

SAM Oh, yeah. Of course, yeah. The thing.

GENEVIEVE The international otter adoption charity dinner?

SAM Oh.

GENEVIEVE Okay, well...(kisses Sam) Well, I'm glad you two are talking, anyway.

SAM Yeah.

(they watch Genevieve leave the room)

DEAN Well, looks like you did all right.

SAM Yeah. Yeah. I should figure out her name.

INT. PADALECKI MANSION - LIBRARY

(Sam is sitting at a desk with a computer in front of a giant portrait of Jared as a cowboy with a suit of armor on either side)

SAM "wrist bone of saint and holy reliquary. Museum-quality, from diocese in Oaxaca." - Looks legit.

DEAN - All right. Auction house is in Mexico City. We could be there day after tomorrow. We, uh, case it, yank it, be back here by the end of the week.

SAM Or we could just buy it.

DEAN What?! Dude, that thing's over a hundred thou--

(Sam holds up a black credit card)

DEAN Hello, Jared Padalecki.

SAM (on the phone)Cubrir a su amigo en la aduana. no? Bueno. 

DEAN Triple rush. No problemo. Because money is no ob--This baby's maxed.

SAM Wow. They said it should be at the airport first thing in the morning.

DEAN Money, man. There is nothing like it. All right. Couch. Tv star. Beauty rest. (Dean jumps onto the large black couch and lays down) Ahh.

INT. PADALECKI MANSION - HALLWAY

(Sam walks into the hall and spots Genevieve)

SAM Hey! Hey. Hi. Hi, uh, Gen--Genevieve. Gen?

GENEVIEVE Gen.

SAM Gen. Of course. Yeah. Um, so, h--how was the...Otter thing?

GENEVIEVE It was good.

SAM Yeah?

GENEVIEVE Everybody missed you there.

SAM Oh. Wow. Wow. I bet. So -- so listen, I-I got to ask you a question. Do you remember, uh, uh, year before last, all those disasters?

GENEVIEVE Disasters?

SAM Yeah.Yeah, yeah, the whole earthquake spike. You know, the -- the 9.2 in Rome? I mean, the --the 8.5 outside Boston? The whole east/west tsunami chain?

GENEVIEVE Yes. I remember all of those from last season on your show.

SAM No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I-I know. I know. That -- that's what I mean. That's what I was... (Sam takes a drink from his beer)

GENEVIEVE You have been Sam Winchester way too long. (Genevieve kisses Sam, takes him by the hand, and leads him upstairs)

EXT. AIRPORT (Sam receives package from an airplane)

SAM Thanks.

INT. CAR

CLIF So I don't mean to pry, but, uh, why are we picking up packages at 8:00 A.M. that haven't cleared customs yet?

DEAN Just saving time.

(Sam enters the car with the package)

DEAN All right, here we go.

CLIF We're not doing anything illegal, are we?

SAM Would it make you feel better if we said no?

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET - BOBBY'S HOUSE

(Sam and Dean open the package and are surprised when the lights above them turn on)

DEAN Whoa. What?

BOB We finish today in 12 hours if it kills us all. Get "a" and "b" cam for scene 12. What is this? (to Sam and Dean) Here for the first run-through, before anyone else? Dedication.

DEAN (to Bob) Uh, can I talk to you for a second? Um, we're gonna need the, uh, set cleared for -- safe side, an hour or so.

BOB You need it cleared.

DEAN Yeah. Yeah. Me and, um...Jared were gonna do some actor stuff.

BOB Jensen, we're thrilled to see you collaborating so creatively. And your enthusiasm is refreshing. Dean Cain was like that on "Lois," And that man's a real actor. And we will clear this set exactly when we shoot the 2 3/8 pages we are scheduled to shoot on this set. So you do your "actor stuff" and we'll do our "camera stuff" and, uh...

(Dean walks away sheepishly)

MISHA Ooh, "priority."what's in it?

SAM I bought part of a dead person.

MISHA Oh, cool.

DEAN Uh, so, bad news. Uh...Looks like we're gonna have to do a little acting.

SAM What?

CREWMEMBER "Supernatural" scene 36, take 1. Marker!

BOB Action!

(Sam and Dean stand behind Misha. sam looks utterly terrified and Dean is staring earnestly)

MISHA Balthazar is no hero. But he knows Raphael will never take him back.

(Misha turns around. Sam flinches, Dean walks forward and then looks down at his mark and moves over to his right)

BOB Cut!

CREWMEMBER "Supernatural" scene 36, take 8. Marker!

BOB Action!

(Sam seems unsure of what to do with his arms and keeps rearranging them, folding, unfolding)

MISHA Balthazar is no hero. But he knows Raphael will never take him back.

DEAN (looks at he script in his hand) Dean, grimly. And yet, somehow you got no problem with it.

BOB Cut!

(Misha turns to the camera and mouths 'what the hell')

BOB Action.

SAM That's because...That's because we have no other choice.

DEAN Don't look at the camera.

SAM What?

DEAN Look anywhere but the camera.

SAM (looking at the ceiling) That's because we have no other choice!

BOB Cut! For the love of... Action. Cut!

SAM (raising his arm stiffly) If there's a key, then (raising other arm) there must also be a lock.

BOB Cut. Action.

SAM If there's a key...then there has to be a lock. And when we find the lock, we can get the weapons, and then we can have the weapons. And the lock. We'll still have the lock, I imagine, because we've opened it, and, of course, the initial key.

DEAN We need to get all three of that crap.

SAM What?

DEAN That's how he talks.

SAM Oh.

DEAN ( out the window, at Bob)Do we really need all these lines? I mean, I-I-I-I think we've covered it.Right?

BOB Cut! What is happening? What's happening?! What's happening?!

SERGE An atrocity is happening.

KEVIN Seems like they should stop.

BOB They can't stop. Nobody stops. Did we get anything we can use?

KEVIN Well, uh, technically, we have them saying everything in bits and pieces. Could be sort of experimental?

BOB Whatever. Season six.

SAM (looking at script) Who wrote this? Nobody says "penultimate!"

DEAN Gun, mouth. (makes gun gesture at his mouth) Now.

KEVIN Moving on!

DEAN Thank god.

MISHA (tweeting on his phone)"I-m-h-o, 'J' and 'J' had a late one last night."

(Sam and Dean rapidly unpack the package and assemble the spell)

DEAN All right, damn it. We earned this.

MISHA "r-o-t-f-l-m-a-o."

SERA (via Bob's phone)Spell it out for me, please. What is our terror-alert level here?

BOB I don't know, Sera. Orange, maybe? They started talking to each other.

SERA What?! But that's a good thing.

BOB Right. I thought so. But now Jensen's living at Jared's house.

(Dean completes the blood sigil on the window)

SAM That's it?

BOB Plus, Clif says they're smuggling illegal stuff in from Mexico.

DEAN That's it, toto.

KEVIN Misha's celebrity tweet says it's a black-market organ thing. I'm betting drugs.

BOB Anyway, as far as I can see, I think they've lost any shred of talent they ever had.

(Sam and Dean come crashing through the window, but just land on the other side of the set)

KEVIN Drugs.

INT. JENSEN'S TRAILER

SAM Maybe we did it wrong.

DEAN No. No, that --that spell was perfect. It should have worked.

SAM What if it can't? Look, I was up all night, looking online. There's no sign that anything like the apocalypse happened here. Ever. And as far as I can tell, monsters, ghosts, demons --they're all pretend.

DEAN So nobody's hunting them?

SAM No hunters. Look, maybe that's why our spell didn't work, Dean, you know? M-maybe here, there's no supernatural, no magic.

DEAN No demons, no hell, no heaven, no -- no god?

SAM Something like. Even better -- No angels.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET - MOTEL ROOM

(a sigil glows and Virgil crashes through landing on the set)

Final Act

RAPHAEL You two...Have the strangest luck.

DEAN Raphael? Nice meatsuit. Dude looks like a lady.

(Raphael squeezes her fist and causes Dean and Sam to bend over in pain)

RAPHAEL The key. (she picks it up from the ground)

BALTHAZAR And that will open you a locker at the Albany bus station.

RAPHAEL Really.

BALTHAZAR You see, I needed a modest decoy to make it more convincing.

RAPHAEL Give me the weapons.

BALTHAZAR Sorry, darling. They're gone.

RAPHAEL What?!

BALTHAZAR I said, too bloody late. You see, they were so well-hidden that I needed time to find them. So, I volunteered these two marmosets for a game of fetch with Virgil. You two were such an adequate stick. Thank you. Thank you, boys.

RAPHAEL You've made your last mistake.

BALTHAZAR Oh, I've got a few more up my sleeve, honey.

CASTIEL Step away from him, Raphael. I have the weapons now. Their power is with me.

RAPHAEL Castiel.

CASTIEL If you don't want to die tonight, back off.

BALTHAZAR Well, Cass...Now that you have your sword, try not to die by it.

(Castiel brings the brothers back to Bobby's house)

SAM Cass, what the hell? Wait, wait, you were in on this, using us a diversion?

CASTIEL It was Balthazar's plan. I would have done the same thing.

DEAN That's not comforting, Cass.

CASTIEL When will I be able to make you understand? If I lose against Raphael, we all lose. Everything.

DEAN Yeah, Cass. We know the stakes. That's about all you've told us!

CASTIEL I'm sorry about all this. I'll explain when I can.

DEAN Friggin' angels.

SAM (knocks on the wall) Solid. (Sam breathes out in relief) It's real. Nice.

DEAN Yeah. Yeah, real, moldy, termite-eaten home sweet home. Chock full of crap that want to skin you. Oh, and, uh, we're broke again.

SAM Yeah. But, hey...At least we're talking