5.19 Hammer of the Gods (Transcript)

SUPERNATURAL

5.19 Hammer of the Gods

Written by: Andrew Dabb & Daniel Loflin

Directed by: Rick Bota

Air Date: April 22, 2010

TEASER

TITLE CARD - THEN

INT. SUN 'N SANDS BRIGHT MOTEL ROOM - DAY

TRICKSTER
Sam starring as Lucifer, Dean starring as Michael. You're gonna suck it up, accept your responsibilities and play the roles that destiny has chosen for you.

INT. VARIOUS

EXT. CENTENNIAL POINT WILDERNESS AREA – DAY

DEAN
Why didn't the stake kill you?

TRICKSTER
I am the Trickster.

DEAN
Or, maybe you're not.

SAM holds up a lit cigarette lighter and tosses it down. A ring of fire springs up around the TRICKSTER. The TRICKSTER stares, defeated. There is a burst of static and then the scene changes.

INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY

CASTIEL
Hello, Gabriel.

SAM
The Archangel?

DEAN
This isn't about some prize fight between your brothers. This is about you, being too afraid to stand up to your family.

EXT. CHURCH BASEMENT STAIRS - NIGHT

SAM
Are you gonna do something stupid?

DEAN
Like what?

SAM
Like Michael stupid.

DEAN
Come on, Sam.

EXT. FRONT PORCH – DAY

DEAN
Things are about to get really bad. The people that I'm gonna see next, they're not gonna get anything from me without agreeing to a few conditions.

LISA
Whatever you're thinking of doing, don't do it.

DEAN
I have to.

INT. ANGEL GREEN ROOM – NIGHT

ZACHARIAH
You're finally ready, right? You know there's no other choice. There's never been a choice.

DEAN
The answer is yes.

SAM
Dean!

ZACHARIAH turns and speaks in Enochian, summoning the archangel MICHAEL.

ZACHARIAH
Zodiredo…

DEAN
Of course, I have a few conditions.

DEAN stabs ZACHARIAH with an angel blade, piercing his head through his chin.

INT. IMPALA, HIGHWAY - NIGHT

SAM
What changed your mind?

DEAN
The damnedest thing. I mean, the world's ending. The walls are coming down on us. I just didn't want to let you down. So screw destiny, I say we take the fight to them, and do it our way.

TITLE CARD - NOW

EXT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL – NIGHT

A dark car pulls into the parking lot. We are in Muncie, Indiana.

INT. RUN DOWN HOTEL LOBBY – NIGHT

SECURITY GUARD walks up to the hotel lobby doors from outside, by the light of a car's headlights. Using keys he unlocks the lobby doors and enters, using a flashlight as light. The hotel itself is dark. There are sheets and drapes covering most of the furniture, as though this building has not been in use for some time.

Sounds of clanging startle the SECURITY GUARD.

SECURITY GUARD
Hello?

As the SECURITY GUARD passes, a small potted plant that was once withered begins to return to life.

SECURITY GUARD
Hello?

A loud bang startles the SECURITY GUARD once again. As he turns around he witnesses a shattered mirror slowly returning to its original (unbroken) form. There is a metallic clang and the SECURITY GUARD gasps.

DARK FIGURE
Hiya.

SECURITY GUARD
Buddy, you can't be here.

DARK FIGURE
'Course I can. Someone's got to get everything ready. They're coming -- all of them. And we've each got our part to play. Even you.

SECURITY GUARD
What?

DARK FIGURE
You're dinner.

SECURITY GUARD
Aaah!

There is a crunch as the SECURITY GUARD continues to scream.

TITLE CARD - SUPERNATURAL

ACT ONE

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOBBY – NIGHT

A bell dings, thunder crashes.

EXT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL – NIGHT

The IMPALA parks in front of the hotel lobby at an angle.

INT. THE ELSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOBBY – NIGHT

SAM and DEAN enter the lobby, soaked and gasping. Lounge music plays.

DEAN
Whew. Nice digs, for once. Busy night.

FRONT DESK ATTENDANT "CHAD"
Any port in a storm, I guess. [Chuckles] If you could just fill this out, please.

DEAN
Yeah.

CHAD
Sir, I think... Shaving nick there. [Hands DEAN a tissue] Your key.

DEAN
Oh. Thanks. Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a coffee shop, would you?

CHAD
Buffet. All you can eat. Best pie in the tri-state area.

DEAN
You don't say?

INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL BUFFET HALL - NIGHT

The Bachelors' "You Know You Know (I Love You)" plays as DEAN samples pies.

MAN
Heaven, right?

DEAN
[Scoffs] Trust me, pal... better. [DEAN sees a WOMAN sitting alone.] How you doing?

WOMAN
No.

DEAN
But--

WOMAN
No.

DEAN
Oh, lady, I'm just, you know--

WOMAN
I understand. And no.

DEAN
10-4. Yeah. [Cellphone beeping] [grunts] Sam, unpucker, man. Eat something.

SAM
We should hit the road, Dean.

DEAN
In this storm? I-it's--

SAM
It's biblical. Exactly. I-it's friggin' Noah's ark out there, and we're eating pie.

DEAN
How many hours of sleep did you get this week? What? Three? Four? Bobby's got his feelers out, okay? We have talked with every hoodoo man and root woman in 12 states.

SAM
Yeah, well, I'm not giving up.

DEAN
Nobody's giving up. Especially me. We're gonna find a way to beat the devil, okay? Soon. I can feel it. And we will find Cas, we'll find Adam. But you are no good to me burnt out.

SAM
Yeah. Yeah, okay.

DEAN
Come on, we've actually got the night off for once. Let's try to enjoy it.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITCHEN – NIGHT

A server carries in a tray of dirty glasses. The camera pans to a severed arm on the counter top next to a bloody cleaver.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL HALLWAY – NIGHT

A couple is making out in front of their room. DEAN points and smiles.

SAM
Oh, what are you, 12?

DEAN
[Scoffs] I'm young at heart. [Door creaks] [whistles] Wow. Look at this. We're like Rockefellers. Chocolates! You want yours?

SAM
Knock yourself out.

DEAN
Whoa. "Casa Erotica 13" on demand. [SAM Scoffs] What?

SAM
Isn't this place... in the middle of nowhere?

DEAN
So?

SAM
So what's a four-star hotel doing on a no-star highway?

A woman moans pleasurably on the other side of the wall. We can hear bed thumping, chuckling, then a loud thud which accompanies the brick wall of the room being smashed in from the other side, almost knocking the LCD flat screen television off the wall.

INT. HONEYMOON SUITE - NIGHT

The Winchester brothers open the door to the room to find it empty. DEAN finds a large engagement ring on the floor.

DEAN
Hello?

SAM
Hello?

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOBBY – NIGHT

DEAN
The, uh, the room next to ours -- t-the couple that are, uh, joined at the lips -- have you seen them?

CHAD
Mr. and Mrs. Logan -- the honeymooners? They checked out. Is something the matter?

SAM
They checked out?

CHAD
Mm-hmm. Mm, just now.

SAM
Really? It sort of seemed like they were, uh... [Chuckles] ...in the middle of something.

DEAN
Yeah, it's kind of weird for honeymooners to, uh, check out without this. [He holds up the engagement ring.]

CHAD
Oh, dear. I'll just put that right in the lost and found. Don't you worry. Is there anything else I can help you with?

DEAN
Uh, no. No, we're good.

CHAD
Super-fantastic.

SAM
Creepy.

DEAN
Broke the needle. All right, well, I'll scope out the joint, and you keep an eye on Norman Bates over here. I mean, one night off. Is that too much to ask?

SAM follows CHAD as he leaves the front desk, but loses sight of him near the vending machines. We hear a slicing sound and SAM reaches for his neck, where a fresh cut has appeared.

INT. ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL HALLWAY – NIGHT

DEAN exits the elevator, and pulls out an EMF detector. DEAN passes a room with its door open and we can see an ELEPHANT holding a towel. DEAN takes a few steps back to look again, and sees MAN wrapping a towel around his torso.

MAN
This ain't no peep show, man!

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL BUSINESS SUITE - NIGHT

BALDUR
You're beautiful.

KALI
You're sweet. [beat] I hate sweet.

CHAD (no longer wearing his name badge)
[Clears throat] Sorry to interrupt. The last guest just arrived.

BALDUR
So everything's ready?

CHAD
As it will ever be. Pantry's full.

BALDUR
And the Winchesters?

CHAD
Suspicious, but under control.

KALI
You have their blood?

CHAD
Of course I do. I'm quick. Boys never even knew what hit them.

KALI
Thank you, Mercury.

BALDUR
Let's get this show on the road.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOBBY – NIGHT

Lounge music continues to play as SAM and DEAN enter. The room is completely empty.

SAM
An elephant?

DEAN
Yeah.

SAM
Like, an elephant?

DEAN
Like, full-on Babar.

SAM
So what the hell is... Where is everybody?

SAM attempts to open the lobby doors, but they do not budge.

DEAN
Let me guess -- it's locked. So what -- the roaches check in, they don't check out?

SAM
Think about how we got here. That detour on I-90? The friggin' hurricane?

DEAN
You saying we were led here?

SAM
Like rats in a maze.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITHCEN – NIGHT

DEAN
[Liquid bubbling in pot] Please be tomato soup. Please be tomato soup. [DEAN lifts ladle to reveal eyeballs. It is not tomato soup.] Motel hell.

SAM sees the locked freezer and walks slowly towards it. Inside he sees the rest of the hotel guests.

MAN
Help us! Get us out!

SAM reaches into his pocket and removes his lock picking tool kit.

DEAN
Hurry up!

SAM
I'm going as fast as I... as I can.

DEAN
There's somebody behind me, isn't there?

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM – NIGHT

SAM and DEAN are dragged into the Grand Ballroom by two men.

DEAN
[Both grunting] Something tells me this isn't a Shriner convention.

MERCURY
Dinner is served. [Applause]

BALDUR
Ladies and Gentleman, our guests of honor have arrived.

ACT TWO

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM – NIGHT

BALDUR
[BALDUR clinks a fork to his champagne flute] Ladies and gentleman, thank you for coming. Although in all my centuries, I never thought I'd see this. This many gods under one roof.--

SAM [to DEAN]
Gods?

BALDUR
--Now, before we get down to brass tacks, some ground rules. No slaughtering each other. Curb your wrath. Oh, and uh, keep your hands off the local virgins. We're, trying to keep a low profile here.--

SAM [to DEAN]
Oh, we are so... so screwed.

BALDUR
--Now we all know why we're here. The Judeo-Christian apocalypse looms over us. I know we've all had our little disagreements in the past. The time has come to put those aside and look toward the future. Because if we don't, we won't have one. Now we do have two very valuable bargaining chips. Michael, and Lucifer's vessels. The question is, what do we do now? Anybody have any bright ideas? Speak up. This is a safe room.

ZAO SHEN
[speaking in a foreign language] What do we do? We kill them!

GANESH
[laughs] Kill 'em? What, so the angels can bring the back again?

ODIN
I don't know what everybody's getting so worked up about! 'Cause it's just a couple of angels having a slap fight! There's no Armageddon. Everybody knows, when the world comes to an end, the Great Serpent Jormungandr rises up, and I myself will be eaten by a big wolf! [laughs]

ZAO SHEN
[sighs, speaking in a foreign language] Here we go...

ODIN
Oh yeah? And why is that? Because your beliefs are so much more realistic? The whole world's getting carried around on the back of a giant turtle? Ha! Give me a break!

ZAO SHEN
[speaking in a foreign language] Don't mock my world turtle.

ODIN
What are you gonna do about it?

ZAO SHEN
[speaking in a foreign language] I'm gonna send you packing to Valhalla!

ODIN
You watch your mouth when you talk to me, boy!

ZAO SHEN
[speaking in a foreign language] Boy? I'm older than you.

ODIN
No one's ever proved that.

As ODIN and ZAO SHEN argue, SAM and DEAN slowly and quietly move from their seats and attempt to exit the room without being noticed. As they near the door, a chandelier falls in front of them with a loud crash.

KALI
Stay. We have to fight. The archangels -- the only thing they understand is violence. This ends in blood. There is no other way, it's them, or us.

MERCURY
With all due respect, ma'am, we haven't even tried talking to them. [MERCURY begins to choke up blood. BALDUR stops KALI from killing MERCURY outright.]

BALDUR
Kali!

KALI
Who asked you?

The doors to the Grand Ballroom open to reveal GABRIEL, who is not wearing a name tag, like the others are.

GABRIEL
Can't we all just get along!

DEAN attempts to say “Gabriel” but is cut off by him, choking on the word.

GABRIEL
Sam! Dean... It's always wrong place, worst time with you muttonheads, huh?

BALDUR
Loki.

GABRIEL/LOKI
Baldur. Good seeing you too. I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.

BALDUR
Why are you here?

GABRIEL/LOKI
To talk about the elephant in the room. [GANESH begins to stand, indignant] Not you. The Apocalypse. We can't stop it, gang. But first things first. [GABRIEL turns to SAM and DEAN] The adults need to have a little conversation. Check you later. [GABRIEL snaps his fingers and SAM and DEAN appear in their room.]

INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

DEAN
O.K. Did that -- Holy crap!

SAM
Yeah, tell me about it. By the way, next time I say let's keep driving, uh, let's keep driving.

DEAN
O.K. Yeah. Next time.

SAM
Alright, so what's our next move?

DEAN
I-I-I... I don't know. Grab those poor saps outta the freezer, I guess? Bust 'em out? Gank a few freaks along the way if we're lucky?

GABRIEL
And when are you ever lucky?

DEAN
Well you know what, bite me, Gabriel.

GABRIEL
Maybe later, big boy.

DEAN
I should've known. I mean this had your stink all over it from the jump.

GABRIEL
You think I'm behind this? Please. I'm the Costner to your Houston. I'm here to save your ass.

DEAN
You wanna pull us outta the fire?

GABRIEL
Bingo! Those guys are either gonna dust you, or use you as bait. Either way, you're uber boned.

DEAN
Wow, 'cause a couple of months ago you were telling us that we need to “play our roles”. You're uber boning us!

GABRIEL
Ohh... The end is still nigh. Michael and Lucifer are gonna dance the lambada, but not tonight. Not here.

DEAN
And why do you care?

GABRIEL
I don't care. But, me and Kali we, uh, had a thing. Chick was all hands. What can I say? I'm sentimental.

SAM
Do they have a chance? Against Satan?

DEAN
Really, Sam?

SAM
You got a better idea, Dean?

GABRIEL
It's a bad idea. Lucifer's gonna turn them into finger paint. So let's get going while the going's good, hmm?

DEAN
O.K. Great, why don't you just zap us outta here then?

GABRIEL
Would if I could, but Kali's got you by the short and curlies. It's a blood spell. You boys are on a leash.

DEAN
What does that mean?

GABRIEL
It means it's time for a bit of the old black magic. [GABRIEL spritzes his mouth with breath spray]

DEAN
Okay, yeah. Well, whatever. Well, we're gonna take the hors d'oeuvres in the freezer with us.

GABRIEL
Forget it. It's gonna be hard enough sneaking you mooks outta here.

DEAN
They called you Loki, right? Which means they don't really know who you are?

GABRIEL
Told you. I'm in witness protection.

DEAN
O.K., well then how about you do what we say, or we tell the, uh, legion of doom about your secret identity. They don't seem like a real pro-angel kinda crowd.

GABRIEL
I'll take your voices away.

DEAN
We'll write it down.

GABRIEL
I'll cut off your hands.

DEAN
Well then, people are gonna be asking, "Why are you guys running around with no hands?"

GABRIEL
Fine.

INT. KALI'S ROOM – NIGHT
KALI is undressing in her room when the lights go out. The candles on her table light up as we see GABRIEL/LOKI standing next to them, looking seductive with a rose in his hands.

GABRIEL/LOKI
Bonjour, mon amour.

KALI
Leave.

GABRIEL/LOKI
You always did play hard to get.

KALI
I've moved on.

GABRIEL/LOKI
I noticed. Baldur? Really?

KALI
Baldur's uncomplicated.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOUNGE – NIGHT

SAM and DEAN enter the lobby/lounge area as a man is heard screaming from the far side employee entrance. The brothers quickly move out of sight as the two men drag one of the freezer occupants out into the lobby.

MAN
No! N-No! No! Please! Gah! [screaming continues until MAN's neck is chopped with a cleaver.]

SAM
[whispering to DEAN] It's too late.

INT. KALI'S ROOM – NIGHT


KALI
I never took you for the type.

GABRIEL/LOKI
Romantic?

KALI
Pathetic.

GABRIEL/LOKI
You're the one who called me here.

KALI
Because I thought you might take this seriously.

GABRIEL/LOKI
I'm taking this seriously. Ship's sinking, time to get off. I mean screw this marble. Let's go check out Pandora.

KALI
It doesn't have to be like that.

GABRIEL/LOKI
I'm afraid it does.

KALI
If we fight--

GABRIEL/LOKI
You die.

KALI
And what makes you such an expert?

GABRIEL/LOKI
I've tussled with those winged ass-monkeys once or twice. Kali, no more tricks. I'm begging you, don't do this.

KALI
I have to.

GABRIEL/LOKI
Can't blame me for trying. Still love me?

KALI
No. [KALI pulls GABRIEL/LOKI in for a passionate kiss]

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITCHEN – NIGHT

The screams of those trapped in the freezer can be heard. SAM tries to hurriedly unlock the freezer with his lock picking tool kit. DEAN is grabbed and thrown across the room by ZAO SHEN, who grabs SAM by the neck, pinning him to the freezer door. SAM gasps.

INT. KALI'S ROOM – NIGHT

GABRIEL/LOKI kisses KALI.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL KITCHEN – NIGHT

ZAO SHEN is still choking SAM as he struggles to free himself.

INT. KALI'S ROOM - NIGHT

GABRIEL/LOKI continues to kiss KALI while attempting to grasp the two vials of blood on the table behind her.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELS HOTEL KITCHEN – NIGHT

DEAN struggles to move after landing on top of a metal shelving unit.

INT. KALI'S ROOM – NIGHT

The light clink of glass against glass is heard as GABRIEL/LOKI'S fingertips touch the two vials of blood on the desk.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELS HOTEL KITCHEN – NIGHT

ZAO SHEN is still holding SAM up against the freezer door, now using force to choke him.

INT. KALI'S ROOM – NIGHT

GABRIEL/LOKI'S fingertips hit the vials again, making a louder clinking noise. This time KALI pushes him back off of her, while cutting him on the chin, drawing blood.

GABRIEL/LOKI
Ow!

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELS HOTEL KITCHEN – NIGHT

ZAO SHEN is stabbed with a wooden stake by DEAN. ZAO releases SAM as he dies.

DEAN
Where the hell is Gabriel?

INT. KALI'S ROOM - NIGHT

KALI
You must take me for a fool... Gabriel. You're bound to me. Now, and forever.

INT. GHOSTFACERS COMMAND/GARAGE – NIGHT

Static blurs the screen. The Ghostfacers appear, first in their lounge chairs, then in split screen.

GHOSTFACERS
Ghostfacers! [Ghostfacers theme song and intro video plays.]

AMBYR
--the intern position open?

HARRY
You're hired.

AMBYR
[Gasps] Really?

ED
You see my face?

AMBYR
Yeah.

ED
And it's in your little box?

AMBYR
Yeah.

ED
O.K., my face has gotta be right in your box.

HARRY
If you're dead, you better stay dead.

ED
Yep.

HARRY
Cause if not, we're gonna kill you.

ACT THREE

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM – NIGHT

SAM and DEAN are once again thrown into the ballroom.

GABRIEL
How long have you known?

KALI
Long enough.

DEAN
How's the rescue going?

KALI
Well, surprise, surprise. The Trickster has tricked us.

GABRIEL
Kali, don't.

KALI
You're mine now. And you have something I want. [KALI reaches into GABRIEL's jacket and removes his angel blade.] An Archangel's blade. From the Archangel, Gabriel.

GABRIEL
Okay, okay! So I got wings, like Kotex. But that doesn't make me any less right about Lucifer.

KALI
He's lying. He's a spy.

GABRIEL
I'm not a spy. I'm a runaway. I'm trying to save you. I know my brother, Kali. He should scare the living crap out of you. You can't beat him. I've skipped ahead, seen how this story ends--

KALI
Your story. Not ours. Westerners, I swear. The sheer arrogance. You think you're the only ones on earth? You pillage and you butcher in your God's name. But you're not the only religion, and he's not the only God. And now you think you can just rip the planet apart? You're wrong. There are billions of us. An we were here first. If anyone gets to end this world, it's me. I'm sorry. [KALI stabs GABRIEL with his own blade. GABRIEL screams, and in a flash of light, dies.]

MERCURY
This is crazy.

KALI
They can die. We can kill Lucifer.

DEAN
All right you primitive screwheads, listen up.

SAM
Are you outta your mind?

DEAN
I'm outta options. Now on any other given day, I'd be doing my damndest to, uh, kill you. You filthy murdering chimps. But, uh, hey, desperate times. So even though I'd love nothing better than to slit your throats, you dicks, I'm gonna help you. I'm going to help you ice the devil. And then we can all get back to ganking each other, like normal. You want Lucifer, well, dude's not in the Yellow Pages. But me and Sam, we can get him here.

KALI
How?

DEAN
First you let those main courses go. Then we talk. We can either take on the devil together, or you lame-ass bitches can eat me. Literally.

EXT. PARKING LOT OF THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL – NIGHT

DEAN
Come on everybody! Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Alright, alright, go, go, go! Get outta here!

GABRIEL
[sitting in the Impala with the window rolled down] Psst! Dean! Don't look at me! Act natural. Get in.

DEAN
Man, there is nothing natural about this at all. I thought you were dead.

GABRIEL
You think I'd give Kali my real sword? That thing can kill me!

DEAN
Then what do they have in there?

GABRIEL
A fake! Made it out of a can of diet orange Slice. So, uh, go snag our blood, would ya?

DEAN
What?

GABRIEL
I heard you in there. Kali likes you. You can get close. Lift the plasma, then we vamoose.

DEAN
No. Hand over the real blade. Better yet, why don't you sack up and help us take down Lucifer.

GABRIEL
You can't be serious?

DEAN
Deadly.

GABRIEL
Since when are you butt buddies with a bunch of monsters? That's all they are to you, aren't they?

DEAN
Alright, you know, Sam was right. It's nuts, but it's the best idea I've heard, so unless you have a better one?

GABRIEL
Well, good luck with that. Me? I'm blowing Jonestown. Those lemmings wanna run off a cliff, that's their business.

DEAN
I see right through you, you know that? The smart-ass shell, the whole “I could give a crap” thing? Believe me, it takes one to know one.

GABRIEL
That so?

DEAN
Yes. And maybe those freaks in there aren't your blood but they are your family.

GABRIEL
They just stabbed me in the friggen heart!

DEAN
Maybe, but you still give a crap about 'em, don't you?

GABRIEL
Dean.

DEAN
Now they're gonna die in there, without you.

GABRIEL
I can't kill my brother.

DEAN
Can't or won't? That's what I thought.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM – NIGHT

KALI
So you're going to summon Lucifer.

SAM
Sort of. I just need you to squeegee some stuff from my ribs and he'll come running.

KALI
Breaking them would be easier.

DEAN
Show's over. Sword's a fake, and Gabriel, he's still kicking. I hate to break it to you, sister, but you've been tricked.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL LOBBY

A hand hits the bell. MERCURY turns around to greet the new guest.

LUCIFER
Checking in.

MERCURY
Lucifer, thanks for coming.

LUCIFER
Oh, you did right calling me.

MERCURY
It's just... The way the talk is heading in there, it's... it's insane!

LUCIFER
You know, I never understood you pagans, always fighting, always happy to sell out your own kind. No wonder you forfeited this planet to us. You are worse than humans. You're worse than demons. And yet you claim to be gods. [LUCIFER twists his fingers and MERCURY dies as his neck snaps] And they call me prideful.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM – NIGHT

The lights in the Grand Ballroom begin to flicker.

BALDUR
What's happening?

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT

ODIN screams outside the Grand Ballroom as LUCIFER kills him, then explodes GANESH in a burst of blood and chunks of flesh. LUCIFER then breaks BARON SAMEDI's arm, killing him also. LUCIFER is seen in the hallway walking past a stream of corpses of gods as the lights flicker.

INT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM – NIGHT

SAM
It's him.

KALI
How?

DEAN
Does it matter? Shazzam us outta here, would ya?

BALDUR
We can't.

LUCIFER
Of course you can't. You didn't say "mother, may I?" Sam, Dean, good to see you again.

KALI
Baldur, don't.

BALDUR
You think you own the planet? What gives you the right? [BALDUR confronts LUCIFER, who stabs into BALDUR, ripping him apart from the inside with his bare hand, killing him.]

LUCIFER
No one gives us the right, we take it.

As LUCIFER throws BALDUR to the ground, KALI becomes enraged, engulfing her arms in fire which she throws at LUCIFER, causing SAM and DEAN to jump for cover behind an overturned table. The flames dissipate revealing no damage to LUCIFER's vessel. LUCIFER hits KALI with an uppercut to the chin, sending her flying.

SAM
[to DEAN] You okay?

GABRIEL
Not really. Better late then never, huh? [GABRIEL hands DEAN a copy of CASA EROTICA #13 on DVD] Guard this, with your life.

LUCIFER is about to stomp on KALI but is blown back through the Grand Ballroom doors. GABRIEL stands, blade in hand.

GABRIEL
Lucy, I'm home. Not this time. [picking up KALI] Guys! Get her outta here.

LUCIFER
Over a girl. Gabriel, really? I mean I knew you were slumming, but I hope you didn't catch anything.

GABRIEL
Lucifer, you're my brother. And I love you. But you are a great big bag of dicks.

LUCIFER
Wait, what did you just say to me?

GABRIEL
Look at yourself! Boo hoo! Daddy was mean to me, so I'm gonna smash up all his toys.

LUCIFER
Watch your tone.

GABRIEL
Play the victim all you want. But you and me? We know the truth. Dad loved you best. More than Michael, more than me. Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it. So this is all just one big temper tantrum. Time to grow up.

EXT. THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL PARKING LOT – NIGHT

KALI
I'm not getting in that thing.

DEAN
Just get in the car, princess.

SAM opens the door for KALI, then gets in the front passenger seat. DEAN gets in to the driver's seat and the three of them drive off.

LUCIFER
Gabriel, if you're doing this for Michael...

GABRIEL
Screw him. If he were standing here, I'd shiv his ass too.

LUCIFER
You disloyal--

GABRIEL
Oh, I'm loyal. To them!

LUCIFER
Who? These so called gods?

GABRIEL
To people, Lucifer. People

LUCIFER
So you're willing to die, for a pile of cockroaches. Why?

GABRIEL
Because Dad was right. They are better than us.

LUCIFER
They are broken. Flawed! Abortions.

GABRIEL
Damn right they're flawed. But a lot of them try. To do better, to forgive. And you should see the Spearmint Rhino! I've been riding the pine a long time. But I'm in the game now, and I'm not on your side, or Michael's. I'm on theirs.

LUCIFER
Brother, don't make me do this.

GABRIEL
No one makes us do anything.

LUCIFER
I know you think you're doing the right thing, Gabriel. But I know where your heart truly lies.

Over LUCIFER's shoulder we see a second GABRIEL, coming up behind him. As he lunges forward, LUCIFER catches his arm and stabs GABRIEL's own blade into his chest.

LUCIFER
Here. Amateur hocus pocus. Don't forget, you learned all your tricks from me, little brother. [LUCIFER jerks the blade in GABRIEL's chest. In a burst of light, GABRIEL dies.]

ACT FOUR

TITLE CARD – Red with scrolling credits [Cheesy "porno music" plays in background] reads:
ALL PERFORMERS IN THIS FILM ARE OVER THE AGE OF 18, HAVE CONSENTED TO BEING PHOTOGRAPHED, AND HAVE PROVIDED PROOF OF AGE. 18 U.S.C. SECTION 2257

TITLE CARD – CASA EROTICA 13

INT. CASA EROTICA HOTEL ROOM – DAY

CASA EROTICA WOMAN
[interior monologue] Dear Diary, being a high powered business president is super-fun. But sooo exhausting. Sometimes, I just need to relax. I need Casa Erotica. [there is a knock at the door]

VOICE
Room Service!

EXT. OFF HIGHWAY, INDIANA - DAY

SAM and DEAN are watching the CASA EROTICA 13 DVD given to them by GABRIEL.

CASA EROTICA WOMAN
Come in!

SAM
Gabriel wanted you to guard this with your life?

DEAN
Maybe he's a fan. It is a good one.

INT. CASA EROTICA HOTEL ROOM – DAY

The door to the hotel room opens and GABRIEL appears, wearing a mustache and a service waiter's outfit.

GABRIEL
I've got the kielbasa you ordered.

CASA EROTICA WOMAN
Ooh. Polish?

GABRIEL
Hungarian. [GABRIEL throws the dish onto the mantle as we cut away. You can hear the sound of GABRIEL kissing the WOMAN]

EXT. OFF HIGHWAY, INDIANA – DAY

Both SAM and DEAN look slightly disturbed.

[On SAM'S laptop] GABRIEL is passionately kissing the WOMAN, while feeling her up and down, erotically. Both are moaning.

SAM
What the hell's going on?

INT. CASA EROTICA HOTEL ROOM - DAY
GABRIEL turns to the camera, removes his mustache and begins to speak, breaking the fourth wall of the film.

GABRIEL
Sam, Dean. You're probably wondering what the hell is going on. Well, if you're watching this, I'm dead. Oh please! Stop sobbing, it's embarrassing for all of us. Without me, you've got zero shot at killing Lucifer, sorry! But can trap him. The cage you sprung Lucifer from? It's still down there. And maybe, just maybe, you can shove his ass back in. Not that it'll be easy. You gotta get the cage open, trick my bro back into it. And uh, oh yeah, avoid Michael and the God Squad. But hey, details, right? And here's the big secret, Lucifer himself doesn't even know -- the key to the cage? It's out there. Actually it's keys, plural. Four keys, well, four rings. From the Horsemen. You get 'em all, you got the cage. Can't say I'm betting on you boys. But, uh, hey! I've been wrong before. And Dean, you were right. I was afraid to stand up to my brother, not any more. [stands up] So this is me, standing up.

EXT. OFF HIGHWAY, INDIANA – DAY

GABRIEL
[on SAM'S laptop] And this is, me, lying down. [Grabs woman, throwing her and himself to the bed, and begins making love to her. DEAN and SAM look confused, then disturbed, then SAM shuts his laptop.]

SAM
Oh, uh, oh! Oh man!

DEAN
Horsemen, huh? Well we got War's [flashback footage of SAM cutting off WAR'S finger]. We nicked Famine's [flashback footage of FAMINE sitting in his chair, closeups on his ring]. That's two down. Collect all four?

EXT. PESTILENCE'S CAR, UNKNOWN HIGHWAY – DAY

DEAN'S VOICE
All we need is Pestilence and Death.

SAM'S VOICE
Oh, is that all?

EXT. OFF HIGHWAY, INDIANA – DAY

DEAN
It's a plan.

SAM nods, retrieves his laptop and gets into the passenger seat of the IMPALA. DEAN takes his place behind the wheel and they drive away.

EXT. EAGLE'S PASS, GENERAL STORE – DAY

PESTILENCE pulls up to a general store on the side of the road. He is driving a green car that is clearly and audibly a clunker, dirty and in need of repair.

INT. EAGLE'S PASS GENERAL STORE – DAY

A STORE CLERK reads the newspaper behind the counter. The store is otherwise empty. A fly lands on his paper, and as he readies his swatter, PESITLENCE enters the store, and the fly gets away. PESITLENCE appears very ill. He sneezes and rubs mucus-covered hands all over everything, as he searches for what he wants. More flies are accumulating around the STORE CLERK. PESTILENCE grabs a box of “Flu Arrest”.

PESTILENCE
This stuff make you drowsy. Got a lot of driving to do.

STORE CLERK
Blue ones make you sleepy. Red and orange ones are okay for day time.

PESTILENCE walks to the counter, then sneezes all over the STORE CLERK'S face, covering him in mucus.

PESTILENCE
This is awful. [coughing]

EXT. EAGLE'S PASS GENERAL STORE – DAY

PESTILENCE exits the general store, straightening his posture – clearly not as sick as he was playing. He returns to his vehicle and drives away. We see his NEVADA license plate reads "SIKN TRD" (sick and tired). As he drives off, flies accumulate around him and we can hear loud buzzing.

CREDITS ROLL