5.08 Changing Channels (transcript)
TEASER
EXT. SUN 'N SANDS MOTEL - DAY
DEAN voiceover
Supernatural is filmed before a live studio audience.
INT. BRIGHT MOTEL ROOM - DAY
DEAN puts some things in a refrigerator, closes the fridge, and turns around. Applause. There is a sandwich on the table, about a foot tall.
DEAN
I'm gonna need a bigger mouth.
Laugh track.
SAM enters the room. Applause.
DEAN
Hey there, Sam. What's happening?
SAM
Oh, nothing. Just the end of the world.
Laugh track. SAM sees the sandwich.
SAM
You're gonna need a bigger mouth.
Laugh track.
SAM
Hey, uh, have you done your research yet?
DEAN gets a 'busted' expression. Laugh track.
DEAN
Oh, yeah. All kinds of research. All night.
SAM
Yeah?
The bathroom door opens. A WOMAN in a bikini comes out. Wolf whistles.
WOMAN
Oh, Dean...
SAM looks at her. DEAN turns around, caught.
DEAN
We have some more research to do.
SAM folds his arms.
SAM
Dean...
Laugh track.
DEAN
Son of a bitch!
Laugh track.
TITLE SEQUENCE
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
DEAN and SAM look around an empty house.
Caption (in the Full House font): "Supernatural"
MUSIC
Town to town, two-lane roads, family biz, two hunting bros
DEAN and SAM back into each other, startle, turn around, and burst out laughing.
MUSIC
Living a lie just to get by
SAM opens a cabinet. A white-sheeted 'ghost' waggles at him. He shuts the cabinet and stands against the door. Freeze frame. Caption: "Starring JARED PADALECKI As Sam Winchester"
MUSIC
As long as we're moving forward
EXT. LANE - DAY
DEAN is working on the Impala. He wipes his forehead, smearing grease there. SAM points and laughs. DEAN looks at his hand and laughs. Freeze frame. Caption: "JENSEN ACKLES As Dean Winchester"
MUSIC
There's nothing we can't do, together we'll face the day
EXT. PARK
DEAN and SAM ride a tandem bicycle.
MUSIC
You and I won't run away
DEAN and SAM race on absurdly small motorcycles. Caption: "MISHA COLLINS As Castiel"
SAM throws a football to DEAN, who catches it and bounces it off the ground. Caption: "Guest Starring RICHARD SPEIGHT, JR. As The Trickster"
MUSIC
When the demons come out to play
DEAN and SAM both flop backwards onto the ground.
INT. BRIGHT MOTEL ROOM - DAY
DEAN and SAM both hold half-eaten burgers. They clink together beer bottles and grin at the camera. Caption: "Created by ERIC KRIPKE"
MUSIC
Together we'll face the day
ACT ONE
Black screen. Caption: "Wellington, Ohio Two Days Earlier"
INT. HOSPITAL
Several medical personnel exit an elevator.
INTERCOM
All on-duty interns please report to station five south. All on-duty interns please report to station five south.
A MAN in a white lab coat and a WOMAN in blue scrubs enter the elevator. The moment the doors close, they begin making out.
INT. DARK MOTEL ROOM - DAY
The hospital scene is on the TV. DEAN is sitting on a bed watching, rapt. The room looks exactly like the BRIGHT MOTEL ROOM from earlier, only less clean, less well-maintained, and in less vivid colors.
SAM
What are you watching?
DEAN
Hospital show. Dr. Sexy, MD. I think it's based on a book.
SAM
When did you hit menopause?
DEAN
It's called channel surfing.
DEAN gets up and turns off the TV. SAM grabs his suit jacket off the other bed and puts it on.
DEAN
You ready?
SAM
Are you?
DEAN grabs his keys and walks out.
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
OFFICER
One more time, the FBI is here why, exactly?
DEAN
Might have something to do with one of your locals getting his head ripped off.
OFFICER
Bill Randolph died from a bear attack.
SAM
How sure are you that it was a bear?
OFFICER
What else would it be?
DEAN
Well, whatever it was, it chased Mr. Randolph through the woods, smashed through his front door, followed him up the stairs, and killed him in his bedroom. Is that common, a bear doing all that?
OFFICER
Depends how pissed off it is, I guess. Look, the Randolphs live way up in high country. You got trout runs to make a grown man weep. And bears.
SAM
Right. Now, what about Mrs. Randolph? The file says she saw the whole thing.
OFFICER
Yes, she did. My heart goes out to that poor woman.
DEAN
She said bear.
OFFICER
Kathy Randolph went through a hell of a trauma. She's confused.
SAM
What did she say?
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY
SAM and DEAN are sitting at a table with KATHY RANDOLPH.
KATHY
No, it must have been a bear. I mean, what else could it have been?
SAM
Mrs. Randolph, what do you think it was?
KATHY
No, I, I remember clearly now, it was definitely a bear.
DEAN
We're sure it was. But see, it helps us to hear every angle. So just tell us what you thought you saw.
KATHY
It's impossible, but...I could have sworn I saw...the Incredible Hulk.
SAM
The Incredible Hulk.
KATHY
I told you it was crazy.
DEAN
Bana or Norton?
KATHY
Oh, no, those movies were terrible. The TV Hulk.
DEAN
Lou Ferrigno.
KATHY
Yes.
DEAN
Spiky-hair Lou Ferrigno.
KATHY
Yes.
DEAN
Huh.
DEAN and SAM look at each other.
KATHY
You think I'm crazy.
DEAN
No. Uh, no, it's just...is there, uh, would there be any reason that Lou Ferrigno, the Incredible Hulk, would have a grudge against your husband?
KATHY
No.
DEAN
No.
INT. DARK MOTEL ROOM - DAY
DEAN is at his laptop, looking at an article in the Wellington Guardian about a "Local man killed in bear attack". He looks up when SAM comes in.
SAM
Hey.
DEAN
Find anything?
SAM
Well, uh, I saw the house.
DEAN
And?
SAM
And there is a giant eight-foot-wide hole where the front door used to be. Almost like, uh—
DEAN
A Hulk-sized hole.
SAM
Maybe. What do you got?
DEAN
Well, it turns out that Bill Randolph had quite the temper. He's got two counts of spousal battery, bar brawls, and court-ordered anger management sessions. You might say you wouldn't like him when he's angry.
SAM
So a hothead getting killed by TV's greatest hothead. Kinda sounds like just desserts, doesn't it?
DEAN snorts.
SAM
It's all starting to make sense.
DEAN
How is it starting to make sense?
SAM
Well, I found something else at the crime scene.
SAM pulls a handful of candy wrappers out of his pocket.
SAM
Candy wrappers.
He drops them.
SAM
Lots of them.
DEAN
Just desserts, sweet tooth, screwing with people before you kill 'em—we're dealing with the Trickster, aren't we?
SAM
Sure looks like it.
DEAN
Good. I've wanted to gank that mother since Mystery Spot.
SAM
You sure?
DEAN
Yeah I'm sure.
SAM
No, I mean are you sure you wanna kill him?
DEAN
Son of a bitch didn't think twice about icing me a thousand times.
SAM
No, I know, I mean, I'm just saying—
DEAN
What are you saying? If you don't want to kill him, then what?
SAM
Talk to him?
DEAN
What?
SAM
Think about it, Dean. He's one of the most powerful creatures we've ever met. Maybe we can use him.
DEAN
For what?
SAM
Okay, Trickster's like a Hugh Hefner type, right? Wine, women, song—maybe he doesn't want the party to end. Maybe he hates this angels and demons stuff as much as we do. Maybe he'll help us.
DEAN
You're serious.
SAM
Yeah.
DEAN
Ally with the Trickster.
SAM
Yeah.
DEAN
A bloody, violent monster, and you wanna be Facebook friends with him? Nice, Sammy.
SAM
The world is gonna end, Dean. We don't have the luxury of a moral stand. Look, I'm just saying it's worth a shot. That's all. If it doesn't work, we'll kill him.
DEAN sighs.
DEAN
How are we gonna find the guy, anyway?
SAM
Well, he never takes just one victim, right? He'll show.
DEAN is sharpening a wooden stake and SAM is sitting at the table staring at the police scanner. On the table is a card that says "Day-Z Motel".
SCANNER
Um, Dispatch? I, I got a possible 187 out here at the old paper mill on Route 6?
SAM
Hey.
DEAN stops working and focuses on the scanner.
DISPATCH
Roger that. What are you looking at there, son?
SCANNER
Honestly, Walt, I, I wouldn't even know how to describe what I'm seeing. Just—send everybody.
DISPATCH
All right, stay calm, stay by your car. Help's on the way.
SAM turns off the scanner.
DEAN
That sounds weird.
SAM
Weird enough to be our guy.
EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
DEAN and SAM get out of the Impala. No one else is in sight.
DEAN
There was a murder here, and there's no police cars. There's nobody. How's that look to you?
SAM
Crappy.
DEAN pulls two stakes and two flashlights out of the trunk and hands one of each to SAM. He closes the trunk and they enter the building.
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
SAM and DEAN are both wearing white lab coats. They look around and at each other and themselves.
DEAN
What the hell?
A BLONDE WOMAN in a white lab coat and an ASIAN WOMAN in blue scrubs with a stethoscope pass by.
BLONDE DOCTOR
Doctor.
ASIAN DOCTOR
Doctor.
SAM
Doctor?
DEAN opens the door they just entered through. It leads to a janitor's closet where a MAN and a WOMAN are making out. He closes the door, looking freaked.
A BRUNETTE WOMAN in blue scrubs with a stethoscope turns away from the receptionist's desk and approaches SAM and DEAN.
BRUNETTE DOCTOR
Doctor.
She slaps SAM.
SAM
Ow!
BRUNETTE DOCTOR
Seriously.
SAM
What?
BRUNETTE DOCTOR
Seriously? You're brilliant, you know that? And a coward. You're a brilliant coward.
SAM
Um. What are you talking about?
She slaps him again.
BRUNETTE DOCTOR
As if you don't know!
She stalks off. DEAN gawks after her, looking as if he's seeing a dream come true.
DEAN
I don't believe this.
SAM
What?
DEAN
That's Dr. Piccolo.
SAM
Who?
DEAN
Dr. Ellen Piccolo. The sexy yet earnest doctor at—
DEAN looks at the sign behind the receptionist's desk and gestures at it angrily, reading it aloud.
DEAN
Seattle Mercy Hospital.
SAM
Dean. What the hell are you talking about?
DEAN
The doctor getups. The, the sexy interns. The 'seriously's. It all makes sense.
SAM
What makes sense? What's going on?
DEAN
We're in Dr. Sexy, MD.
ACT TWO
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
DEAN and SAM walk through the hospital corridors.
DEAN
Dude, what the hell.
SAM
I don't know.
DEAN
No, seriously, what the hell.
SAM
I don't know.
DEAN
One theory. Any theory.
SAM
Uh, the Trickster trapped us in TV Land.
DEAN
That's your theory. That's stupid.
SAM
You're the one who said we're on Dr. Sexy, MD.
DEAN
Yeah, but TV land isn't TV Land. I mean, there's actors and, and lights and crew members, you know. This looks real.
SAM
It can't be. Dean, how can this possibly be real?
DEAN
I don't know.
The ASIAN DOCTOR walks past.
ASIAN DOCTOR
Doctors.
DEAN
There goes Dr. Wang. The sexy yet arrogant heart surgeon.
DEAN watches her go down the corridor and sees her pass a MAN sitting on a gurney.
DEAN
And there's Johnny Drake. Oh, he's not even alive, he's a ghost in the mind of—
ANOTHER BRUNETTE DOCTOR enters, sitting next to JOHNNY.
DEAN
Of her. The sexy yet neurotic doctor over there.
SAM
So...this show has ghosts? Why?
DEAN
I don't know. It is compelling.
SAM
I thought you said you weren't a fan.
DEAN
I'm not. I'm not.
DEAN sees something and just stares.
DEAN
Oh boy.
SAM
What?
DEAN
It's him.
SAM
Who?
The DOCTOR from the Dr. Sexy, MD scene DEAN was watching in the motel room comes down the corridor.
DEAN
It's him, it's Dr. Sexy.
DR. SEXY (whose nametag says Palmer) stops next to SAM and DEAN. He looks at DEAN.
DR. SEXY
Doctor.
DEAN looks down, hiding his smile.
DEAN
Doctor.
DR. SEXY addresses SAM.
DR. SEXY
Doctor.
SAM nods. DEAN whacks him.
SAM
Doctor.
DR. SEXY addresses DEAN.
DR. SEXY
You want to give me one good reason why you defied my direct order to do the experimental face transplant on Mrs. Biehl?
DEAN's expression goes from awed through confused. He glances at SAM, then back.
DEAN
One reason?
DR. SEXY nods.
DEAN
Sure.
DEAN looks down. DR. SEXY is wearing white tennis shoes. DEAN slams him against the wall.
DEAN
You're not Dr. Sexy.
DR. SEXY
You're crazy.
DEAN
Really? Because I swore part of what makes Dr. Sexy sexy is the fact that he wears cowboy boots. Not tennis shoes.
SAM
Yeah. You're not a fan.
DEAN
It's a guilty pleasure.
DR. SEXY
Call security.
DEAN
Yeah, go ahead, pal. See, we know who you are.
DR. WANG, the BLONDE DOCTOR, and a SECURITY GUARD are all approaching. They and the other extras freeze-frame. DEAN glances around; only he, SAM, and DR. SEXY are still moving. DR. SEXY grins and morphs into the TRICKSTER.
TRICKSTER
You guys are getting better!
DEAN
Get us the hell out of here.
TRICKSTER
Or what?
The TRICKSTER grabs DEAN's arm and twists, hurting him.
TRICKSTER
Don't say you have wooden stakes, big guy.
SAM
That was you on the police scanner, right? This is a trick.
TRICKSTER
Hello? Trickster. Come on! I heard you two yahoos were in town. How could I resist?
DEAN
Where the hell are we?
TRICKSTER
Like it? It's all homemade. My own sets—
The TRICKSTER raps on the window in a nearby door, then indicates the frozen extras.
TRICKSTER
My own actors...call it my own little idiot box.
DEAN
How do we get out?
TRICKSTER
That, my friend, is the sixty-four-dollar question.
SAM
Whatever. We just, we need to talk to you. We need your help.
TRICKSTER
Hm, let me guess. You two muttonheads broke the world, and you want me to sweep up your mess.
SAM
Please. Just five minutes. Hear us out.
TRICKSTER
Sure. Tell you what. Survive the next twenty-four hours, we'll talk.
DEAN
Survive what?
TRICKSTER
The game!
DEAN
What game?
TRICKSTER
You're in it.
DEAN
How do we play?
TRICKSTER
You're playing it.
DEAN
What are the rules?
The TRICKSTER raises his eyebrows, grins, and vanishes in a burst of static. The extras unpause.
DEAN
Oh, son of a bitch.
BLONDE DOCTOR
Dr. Sexy? Dr. Sexy?
She walks past. DEAN and SAM continue down the corridor after her.
INTERCOM
Paging Dr. Sexy. Report to the ER.
DEAN
Oh, by the way. Talking with monsters? Hell of a plan.
SAM
Just, what do we do now?
DEAN
You know what I'm doing? Leaving.
DR. PICCOLO appears and takes another swing at SAM, who ducks.
SAM
Lady, what the hell?
DR. PICCOLO
You are a brilliant, brilliant—
SAM
Yeah. A coward. You already said that. But I got news for you. I am not a doctor.
DR. PICCOLO
Don't say that. You are the finest cerebrovascular neurosurgeon I have ever met, and I have met plenty. So that girl died on your table. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. Sometimes people just die.
SAM
I have no idea what you're saying to me.
DR. PICCOLO
You're afraid. You're afraid to operate again. And you're afraid to love.
DR. PICCOLO leaves, sobbing.
SAM
Yeah, we're getting out of here.
MAN
Hey. Doctor.
DEAN stops and turns to him.
DEAN
Yeah.
MAN
My wife needs that face transplant.
DEAN
Okay. You know what, pal? None of this is real, and your wife doesn't need jack squat. Okay?
DEAN and SAM keep on going.
MR. BIEHL
Hey, Doctor.
MR. BIEHL raises a gun and shoots DEAN in the back.
DEAN stares after him, then goes to his knees.
DEAN
Real—it's real—
SAM
No no no, no no no no no—hey! We need a doctor!
SAM looks around frantically.
INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY
DEAN is facedown on an operating table, staring through the headrest at several pairs of white tennis shoes. For inexplicable reasons he is not under anesthesia. SAM is dressed in operating scrubs, as is everyone else in the room. DR. PICCOLO is watching through glass.
BLONDE DOCTOR
BP is eighty over fifty and dropping.
DR. WANG
Doctor.
DR. WANG holds out a scalpel. SAM doesn't take it.
SAM
What?
DR. WANG and the BLONDE DOCTOR exchange glances.
DEAN
Sam. Do something. Come on.
SAM leans over and speaks in an undertone.
SAM
I don't know how to use any of this crap.
DEAN
Figure it out.
SAM grins awkwardly at the other doctors but doesn't do anything.
DEAN
Sam. Come on. I'm waiting.
SAM
Okay. Um. I need a penknife, some dental floss, a sewing needle, and a fifth of whiskey.
The other doctors look at him and each other.
SAM
Stat!
Everyone starts moving.
A view of a mostly-empty bottle of Kentucky Bourbon and a thing of dental floss next to the usual surgical tools. SAM snips off the extra floss from DEAN's stitches.
DEAN
We okay? How's it looking?
SAM
Yep. You'll be fine.
SAM looks up and catches sight of DR. PICCOLO, who mouths 'I love you' and sighs, smiling.
The shoes leave DEAN's field of vision. The lighting and texture shift, the music fades, and the light starts to flash in time with clapping. Shouts. The floor has become two doors, which slide apart.
INT. JAPANESE GAME SHOW STAGE
Behind the doors is blue-lit smoke. A JAPANESE MAN comes out of the doors and forward between TWO JAPANESE WOMEN and DEAN and SAM, both of whom are wearing more usual outfits (not what they were wearing at any earlier point in the episode). The JAPANESE MAN says something in Japanese.
HOST
Let's play Nutcracker!
The crowd cheers and applauds. A caption in hiragana (or katakana?) appears. DEAN looks around: he is standing in shoes glued to a platform that has a slot for a pole with a large ball at the end. SAM is similarly situated. To one side is an LED screen that says "20".
The HOST says something in Japanese and pulls cards out of his jacket. Silence falls.
HOST
Sam Winchester.
The HOST continues to talk in Japanese. Subtitle: "What was the name of the demon you chose over your own brother?"
HOST
Countdown.
SAM
What?
The screen begins to tick down the seconds.
SAM
Uh, what am I supposed to say?
DEAN
You think I know?
SAM addresses the HOST.
SAM
Uh, I, I don't, I don't understand Japanese.
The HOST says something in Japanese, presumably repeating the question. Subtitle: "What was the name of the demon you chose over your own brother?"
SAM
Is he screwing with me? I, I, I can't speak Japanese.
The screen hits "0". A buzz. The HOST says something in Japanese. Subtitle: "The answer is..."
HOST
Ruby! I'm sorry, Sam Winchester.
SAM
Sorry? Sir? For what?
The HOST mimes hiding laughter.
SAM
Dean?
The pole on SAM's platform comes up so that the ball whacks SAM in the crotch. DEAN is horrified; the crowd cheers.
HOST
Nutcracker!
The scene replays from several angles. The Japanese caption flashes.
HOST
Nutcracker!
DEAN
Sam?
SAM makes an inarticulate noise. One of the JAPANESE WOMEN says something in Japanese. The HOST goes over to her. She shows off a bag of chips. Her subtitle: "Have we discussed these nutritious Shrimp Chips?" His subtitle: "Lots of nutrition, tastes great...and the more one eats, the slimmer they get, just like you."
DEAN
You okay?
SAM just looks at him. DEAN looks at SAM's platform, then at his own, and cringes.
The JAPANESE WOMAN is still talking. Subtitle: "Please buy them." The light on the doors starts flashing again.
DEAN
Oh now what?
The doors open to reveal CASTIEL. The crowd cheers.
DEAN
Cas?
SAM
Is this another trick?
CASTIEL
It's me. Uh, what are you doing here?
DEAN
Us? What are you doing here?
CASTIEL
Looking for you. You've been missing for days.
SAM
So get us the hell out of here, then!
CASTIEL
Let's go.
He raises his arms to touch both DEAN and SAM on the forehead and vanishes in a burst of static.
DEAN
Cas?
The HOST comes back to center stage.
HOST
No, no, no. Mr. Trickster does not like pretty-boy angels.
The HOST pulls out another card and speaks in Japanese.
HOST
Dean Winchester.
The HOST speaks in Japanese. Subtitle: "Would your Mother and Father still be alive...if your brother was never born?"
HOST
Countdown.
The screen begins to tick down the seconds from "20".
DEAN
What do I do, what do I do?
SAM
What?
DEAN
I don't wanna get hit in the nuts.
SAM
I don't know, I, I, uh, just, uh—wait.
DEAN
What?
SAM
I played a doctor.
DEAN
What?
SAM
In, uh, in Dr. Sexy I played a doctor. I operated.
DEAN
So?
SAM
So I played the role the Trickster wanted me to play. Maybe we should just go along with it.
DEAN
Go along with what?
SAM
With the game! You know, we're on a game show, right? So just answer the question!
DEAN
In Japanese?
SAM
Yeah!
DEAN
I don't know Japanese!
SAM
Try!
DEAN
Dammit!
DEAN hits the button. The countdown freezes just before the buzz.
DEAN says something in Japanese. Subtitle: "The answer is...yes?" The HOST repeats the last few syllables and so does DEAN. The HOST shouts something in Japanese. DEAN braces himself.
HOST
Dean Winchester, Nutcracker champion!
The crowd cheers.
SAM
How did you do that?
DEAN
I have no idea.
SAM
So that's it. We play our roles, we survive.
DEAN
Yeah, but play our roles for how long?
SAM
Good question.
DEAN forces a grin and waves.
COMMERCIAL
EXT. LAKE - DAY
A WOMAN does a yoga pose.
WOMAN
I've got genital herpes.
INT. HOUSE - DAY
An OLD MAN sits on a couch.
OLD MAN
I've got genital herpes.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
Four MEN are playing basketball. One makes a basket. This one turns around; it's SAM, looking very uncomfortable.
SAM
Seriously?
DEAN
Hey, you're the one who said play our roles.
SAM
Yeah. Right.
DEAN claps him on the shoulder and goes back to the game.
SAM
I've got genital herpes.
EXT. LAKE - DAY
The WOMAN sits in another yoga pose.
WOMAN
I try to be responsible.
INT. HOUSE - DAY
The OLD MAN looks over at ANOTHER WOMAN.
OLD MAN
Did I try.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
SAM
But now I take twice-daily Herpexia to reduce my chances of passing it on.
EXT. LAKE - DAY
WOMAN
Ask your doctor about using Herpexia.
INT. HOUSE - DAY and EXT. LAKE - DAY, alternating
The OLD MAN and the OTHER WOMAN are slow-dancing. The WOMAN does other yoga poses.
DEAN voiceover
Patients should always consult with a physician before using Herpexia. Possible side effects include headache, diarrhea, permanent erectile dysfunction, thoughts of suicide, and nausea.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT
SAM
I am doing all I can to slightly lessen the spread of—of genital herpes. And that's a good thing.
SAM goes back to the game. The Herpexia logo appears.
ACT THREE
EXT. SUN 'N SANDS MOTEL - DAY
DEAN voiceover
We now return to Supernatural.
INT. BRIGHT MOTEL ROOM - DAY
DEAN
Son of a bitch!
Laugh track. Applause. SAM goes over to the BIKINI WOMAN, glaring over his shoulder at DEAN.
SAM
Uh, I am really, really, very sorry, but, uh, we've got some work to do.
SAM escorts the WOMAN to the door.
WOMAN
But we did do work! In depth.
Laugh track. DEAN waves at her as she leaves. SAM shuts the door and shakes his head. DEAN speaks through a forced smile.
DEAN
How long do we have to keep doing this?
SAM
I don't know.
Applause.
SAM
Maybe forever?
Laugh track.
SAM
We might die in here.
Laugh track.
DEAN
How was that funny? Vultures.
Laugh track. The door opens; it's CASTIEL, with minor injuries. Applause.
DEAN
You okay?
CASTIEL
I don't have much time.
SAM
What happened?
CASTIEL
I got out.
DEAN
From where?
CASTIEL
Listen to me. Something is not right. This thing is much more powerful than it should be.
DEAN
This thing—the Trickster?
CASTIEL
If it is a trickster.
SAM
What do you mean?
CASTIEL is flung backwards into the wall, his face hidden. The TRICKSTER appears at the door.
TRICKSTER
Hello!
Applause and cheers. CASTIEL gets up; his mouth has been duct-taped shut.
TRICKSTER
Thank you. Thank you, ladies.
CASTIEL glares at the TRICKSTER.
TRICKSTER
Hi, Castiel!
The TRICKSTER gestures at CASTIEL, who vanishes in a burst of static.
SAM
You know him?
DEAN
Where did you just send him?
TRICKSTER
Relax, he'll live. ...Maybe.
Laugh track.
DEAN
All right, you know what? I am done with the monkey dance, okay? We get it.
TRICKSTER
Yeah? Get what, hotshot?
DEAN
Playing our roles, right? That's your game?
TRICKSTER
That's half the game.
SAM
What's the other half?
TRICKSTER
Play your roles out there.
DEAN
What's that supposed to mean?
TRICKSTER
Oh, you know. Sam starring as Lucifer. Dean starring as Michael. Your celebrity death match. Play your roles.
SAM
You want us to say yes to those sons of bitches?
TRICKSTER
Hells yeah. Let's light this candle!
SAM
We do that, the world will end.
TRICKSTER
Yeah? And whose fault is that? Who popped Lucifer out of the box? Hm? Look, it's started. You started it. It can't be stopped. So let's get it over with!
SAM glares.
DEAN
Heaven or hell, which side you on?
TRICKSTER
I'm not on either side.
DEAN
Yeah, right. You're grabbing ankle for Michael or Lucifer. Which one is it?
TRICKSTER
You listen to me, you arrogant dick. I don't work for either of those S.O.B.s. Believe me.
DEAN
Oh, you're somebody's bitch.
The TRICKSTER's smile vanishes. He grabs DEAN by the collar and slams him into the wall.
TRICKSTER
Don't you ever, ever presume to know what I am. Now listen very closely. Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up, accept your responsibilities, play the roles that destiny has chosen for you.
SAM
And if we don't?
The TRICKSTER grins.
TRICKSTER
Then you'll stay here in TV Land. Forever. Three hundred channels and, uh, nothing's on.
The TRICKSTER snaps his fingers.
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
A MAN lies on the ground with a stomach wound. Crime-scene markers surround him and cameras flash. DEAN and SAM are standing outside the crime-scene tape, watching the various extras work. They turn around; they're wearing suits with matching blue shirts and sunglasses.
DEAN
Oh, come on.
A POLICE OFFICER ducks under the crime scene tape.
OFFICER
So, what do you think?
DEAN
What do I think? I think go screw yourself, that's what I think.
SAM
Uh, could you give us a sec, please? Thanks.
The OFFICER nods and turns away.
SAM
You gotta calm down.
DEAN
Calm down? I am wearing sunglasses at night.
DEAN yanks them off.
DEAN
You know who does that? No-talent douchebags.
SAM nods in agreement.
DEAN
I hate this game. I hate that we're in a procedural cop show and you wanna know why? Because I hate procedural cop shows. There's like three hundred of them on television and they're all the freaking same. It's ooh, plane crashed here—oh shut up.
SAM notices something at the crime scene and takes off his sunglasses.
SAM
Hey.
DEAN
What?
SAM
Check out sweet tooth over there.
The OFFICER is sucking a lollipop.
DEAN
Think that's him?
SAM
Just, um, follow my lead.
SAM goes over to the body and DEAN follows. They both put on their sunglasses as the crime-scene tape is raised to let them under.
OFFICER
You, uh, you okay?
DEAN
Yeah. What do we got?
The OFFICER kneels next to the body.
OFFICER
Well, aside from the ligature marks around his neck, he has what appears to be a roll of quarters jammed down his throat.
DEAN takes off his sunglasses, gets out a flashlight, and takes a closer look. SAM also takes off his sunglasses.
SAM
Well I say, jackpot.
The OFFICER looks up, snorting in amusement. SAM puts his sunglasses back on.
OFFICER
Also, there is a stab wound to the lower abdomen.
The OFFICER indicates the bloodstain with his lollipop. DEAN grabs a stick and pokes at the hole in the shirt with it, then puts his sunglasses back on.
DEAN
Well I say, no guts, no glory.
The OFFICER laughs. SAM puts his sunglasses back on.
SAM
Get that guy a Tums.
DEAN
Gutter ball.
The OFFICER keeps laughing.
OFFICER
Good one, guys.
DEAN comes around behind him with the stick. The OFFICER turns toward DEAN, who stabs him with it. Internal view of the stake piercing a beating heart. The OFFICER collapses, struggling to breathe. None of the extras notice or care except ANOTHER OFFICER, who starts laughing and morphs into the TRICKSTER.
TRICKSTER
You've got the wrong guy, idiots.
DEAN
Did we?
SAM stakes the TRICKSTER from behind. He falls over. A burst of static.
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
The TRICKSTER is still down with the stake through him. DEAN and SAM are back in the clothes they were wearing when they entered the warehouse.
ACT FOUR
EXT. DAY-Z MOTEL - DAY
INT. DARK MOTEL ROOM - DAY
DEAN finishes brushing his teeth and spits.
DEAN
I'm worried, man. What that SOB did to Cas. You know, where is he?
No response.
DEAN
Sam?
The room is empty.
DEAN
Where are you?
EXT. DAY-Z MOTEL - DAY
DEAN heads for the Impala, his phone to his ear.
SAM on phone
It's Sam. Leave me a message.
DEAN gets in the car.
DEAN
Sam. It's me. Where the hell did you go?
DEAN snaps the phone shut.
SAM
Dean?
SAM's voice sounds odd. DEAN looks around. SAM isn't in the car.
DEAN
Sam? Where are you?
SAM
I don't know.
DEAN notices a red light on the dashboard. It flashes in time with SAM's words.
SAM
Oh crap. I don't think we killed the Trickster.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
The Impala has acquired red flashing lights under the front grille as well. DEAN drives.
DEAN
Okay, stake didn't work. So, what, this is another trick?
SAM
I don't know. Maybe the stake didn't work because it's not a trickster?
DEAN
What do you mean?
SAM
You heard Cas. He said this thing was too powerful to be a trickster.
DEAN
And did you notice the way he looked at Cas? Almost like he knew him.
SAM
And how pissed he got when you brought up Michael and Lucifer.
DEAN
Son of a bitch.
SAM
What?
DEAN
I think I know what we're dealing with.
EXT. CENTENNIAL POINT WILDERNESS AREA
DEAN rummages in the trunk of the car.
SAM
Dean?
DEAN
What?
SAM
That, uh, feels really uncomfortable.
DEAN shuts the trunk.
SAM
Ow. You sure this is gonna work?
DEAN
No, but I have no other ideas.
DEAN goes to the front of the car and shouts at the sky.
DEAN
All right, you son of a bitch! Uncle! We'll do it!
SAM
Should I honk?
TRICKSTER, appearing from nowhere
Wow. Sam. Get a load of the rims on you.
SAM
Eat me.
TRICKSTER
Okay, boys. Ready to go quietly?
DEAN
Whoa whoa whoa, not so fast. Nobody's going anywhere until Sam has opposable thumbs.
TRICKSTER
What's the difference? Satan's going to ride his ass one way or another.
DEAN looks at him. The TRICKSTER rolls his eyes and snaps his fingers. The KITT lights on the car go out and SAM gets out of the car.
TRICKSTER
Happy?
DEAN
Tell me one thing. Why didn't the stake kill you?
TRICKSTER
I am the Trickster.
DEAN
Or maybe you're not.
SAM holds up a flaming cigarette lighter and tosses it down. A ring of fire springs up around the TRICKSTER.
DEAN
Maybe you've always been an angel.
The TRICKSTER looks incredulous, then laughs.
TRICKSTER
A what? Somebody slip a mickey in your power shake, kid?
DEAN
I'll tell you what. You just jump out of the holy fire and we'll call it our mistake.
The TRICKSTER laughs, then stops laughing: he's caught. A burst of static.
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
The TRICKSTER claps.
TRICKSTER
Well played, boys. Well played. Where'd you get the holy oil?
DEAN
Well, you might say we pulled it out of Sam's ass.
TRICKSTER
Where'd I screw up?
SAM
You didn't. Nobody gets the jump on Cas like you did.
DEAN
Mostly it was the way you talked about Armageddon.
TRICKSTER
Meaning?
DEAN
Call it personal experience, but nobody gets that angry unless they're talking about their own family.
SAM
So which one are you? Grumpy, Sneezy, or Douchey?
TRICKSTER
Gabriel, okay? They call me Gabriel.
SAM
Gabriel? The archangel?
GABRIEL
Guilty.
DEAN
Okay, Gabriel. How does an archangel become a trickster?
GABRIEL
My own private witness protection. Skipped out of heaven, had a face transplant, carved out my own little corner of the world. Till you two screwed it all up.
DEAN
What did Daddy say when you ran off and joined the pagans?
GABRIEL
Daddy doesn't say anything about anything.
SAM
Then what happened? Why'd you ditch?
DEAN
Do you blame him? I mean, his brothers are heavyweight douchenozzles.
GABRIEL
Shut your cakehole. You don't know anything about my family. I love my father, my brothers. Love them. But watching them turn on each other? Tear at each other's throats? I couldn't bear it! Okay? So I left. And now it's happening all over again.
SAM
Then help us stop it.
GABRIEL
It can't be stopped.
DEAN
You wanna see the end of the world?
GABRIEL
I want it to be over! I have to sit back and watch my own brothers kill each other thanks to you two! Heaven, hell, I don't care who wins, I just want it to be over.
SAM
It doesn't have to be like that. There has to be some way to, to pull the plug.
GABRIEL laughs.
GABRIEL
You do not know my family. What you guys call the apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner. That's why there's no stopping this, because this isn't about a war. It's about two brothers that loved each other and betrayed each other. You'd think you'd be able to relate.
SAM
What are you talking about?
GABRIEL
You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy's plan. You were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other.
DEAN
What the hell are you saying?
GABRIEL
Why do you think I've always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always.
A long pause. SAM and DEAN look down, then at each other.
DEAN
No. That's not gonna happen.
GABRIEL
I'm sorry. But it is.
GABRIEL sighs.
GABRIEL
Guys. I wish this were a TV show. Easy answers, endings wrapped up in a bow...but this is real, and it's gonna end bloody for all of us. That's just how it's gotta be.
EPILOGUE
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
GABRIEL
So. Boys. Now what? We stare at each other for the rest of eternity?
DEAN
Well, first of all, you're gonna bring Cas back from wherever you stashed him.
GABRIEL
Oh am I.
DEAN
Yeah. Or we're going to dunk you in some holy oil and deep-fry ourselves an archangel.
GABRIEL snaps his fingers. CASTIEL appears.
DEAN
Cas, you okay?
CASTIEL
I'm fine. Hello, Gabriel.
GABRIEL
Hey, bro. How's the search for Daddy going? Let me guess. Awful.
CASTIEL glares.
DEAN
Okay, we're out of here. Come on, Sam.
DEAN turns and walks away.
GABRIEL
Uh. Okay. Guys?
SAM follows DEAN.
GABRIEL
So, so what? Huh?
CASTIEL follows DEAN.
GABRIEL
You're just gonna, you're gonna leave me here forever?
DEAN stops at the door and turns back.
DEAN
No. We're not, 'cause we don't screw with people the way you do. And for the record? This isn't about some prize fight between your brothers or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family.
DEAN pulls the fire alarm. GABRIEL looks up; the sprinklers go off.
DEAN
Don't say I never did anything for you.
GABRIEL glares. DEAN leaves, SAM right behind. CASTIEL looks back for a moment and follows. The fire goes out; apparently in this world water extinguishes grease fires instead of spreading them.
EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
The Impala is exactly where DEAN and SAM left it. DEAN and SAM go up to it. CASTIEL hangs back.
DEAN
All that stuff he was spouting in there, you think it was the truth?
SAM
I think he believes it.
DEAN
So what do we do?
SAM
I don't know.
DEAN
Well I'll tell you one thing. Right about now I wish I was back in a TV show.
SAM
Yeah, me too.
SAM and DEAN get in the car.
