4.17 It's a Terrible Life (transcript)
Written by: Sera Gamble
Directed by: James L. Conway
Air Date: 26 Mar 2009
Contents
NOW
INT. BEDROOM – DAY
An alarm clock flips from 5:59 to 6:00 and starts beeping. A hand shuts it off.
MUSIC
'Cause he gets up in the morning
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
A coffee cup being filled from an espresso machine.
MUSIC
And he goes to work at nine
The cup is held by DEAN, who is in business dress with his hair slicked down.
MUSIC
And he comes back home at five-thirty
Gets the same train every time
'Cause his world is built 'round punctuality
EXT. STREET – DAY
MUSIC
And it never fails
DEAN crosses the street to a silver Toyota Prius.
MUSIC
And he's oh so good
INT. PRIUS – DAY
DEAN starts the car.
MUSIC
And he's oh—
Rock music blares. DEAN looks at it, confused, and changes the station.
RADIO
NPR Morning Edition. It's time for this waste and—
EXT. STREET – DAY
DEAN drives off in the Prius.
MUSIC
He's a well-respected man about town
Doing the best things so conservatively
EXT. SKYSCRAPER – DAY
INT. LOBBY – DAY
DEAN gets out of the elevator and crosses the lobby. There's a Sandover Bridge & Iron history display along one wall.
MUSIC
And he likes his own back yard
And he likes his fags the best
'Cause he's better than the rest
And his own sweat smells the best
DEAN enters an office labeled "DEAN SMITH—Director, Sales & Marketing".
MUSIC
And he hopes to grab his father's loot
When Pater passes on
INT. DEAN'S OFFICE – DAY
DEAN types at a computer.
MUSIC
'Cause he's oh so good
And he's oh so fine
DEAN laughs into a phone headset.
Cut to a conversation with SOMEONE now in DEAN's office.
DEAN
All I wanna know is when are they gonna have another show like Project Runway? Man.
MUSIC
And he's oh so healthy
In his body and his mind
DEAN flips his tie over his shoulder and eats a salad.
MUSIC
He's a well-respected man about town
Doing the best things so conservatively
DEAN is standing and speaking into the headset.
DEAN
Net profitability aside, it's the client-retention rate that concerns me vis-à-vis maximizing return on sales. Buzz me back once you've seen the spreadsheets.
Another SOMEONE enters the office.
DEAN
Mr. Adler.
ADLER
Dean.
ADLER slaps DEAN on the shoulder.
ADLER
Good stuff.
DEAN
Good stuff?
ADLER
Big things. Good stuff.
DEAN
Good stuff.
INT. DEAN'S OFFICE – NIGHT
DEAN is sitting at his desk playing with something and speaking into the headset.
DEAN
Oh I hear you. No, I haven't been to the gym in ages. Carrying a little bloat around myself. It's a sedentary lifestyle, my man, no two ways. —All right, tell me one more time. You said lemon and—what was it? Cayenne and maple syrup, are you serious? How much did you lose?
DEAN puts some files in a case and leaves the office.
MUSIC
He's a well-respected man about town
Doing the best things so conservatively
INT. OFFICE LOBBY – NIGHT
DEAN is checking his phone. The elevator dings. DEAN enters, focused on the phone. He looks over at the other occupant of the elevator, who is staring at him; it's SAM, who's wearing a short-sleeved shirt that says "Sandover Bridge & Iron Inc. Tech Support".
SAM
Do I know you?
DEAN
I don't think so.
SAM
I'm sorry, man, you just look really familiar.
DEAN
Save it for the health club, pal.
The elevator dings again and DEAN gets out. SAM stares after him.
ACT ONE
INT. CUBICLE FARM – DAY
A printer whirs and spits out a paper. A fax machine whirs and sucks in papers. An automatic pencil sharpener whirs. A phone rings. SAM presses a button on the phone and talks into a headset.
SAM
Tech support, this is Sam Wesson. Okay. Uh, well, did you try turning it off and then on?
SAM pokes at a vampire bobblehead.
SAM
Okay, go ahead and turn it off. No no no, just, just off. All right, give it a second. Turn it back on. Okay, is it printing now? Great. Anytime.
SAM takes off the headset and presses a button on the phone. A MAN at a cubicle behind SAM, the only one in the room who is not wearing the yellow uniform shirt, rolls his chair over to SAM.
MAN
Hey.
SAM
Yo.
MAN
What do you think of Mimi?
SAM looks over and shrugs.
SAM
She's okay.
MAN
Might have to hit that.
SAM
Oh, dude, that's totally age-inappropriate.
MAN
Experience.
SAM
Trifocals.
MAN
There's a MILF there, Sam. I just know it. Maybe a GMILF.
SAM
Come on.
MAN
Coffee break?
SAM
Yeah, for sure.
SAM and the MAN get up. They pass ANOTHER MAN at his cubicle.
MAN
Paul. Time for a refuel, buddy.
PAUL
Sorry, no time.
MAN
Since when? Dude, we get paid by the hour.
PAUL
Working.
MAN
Okay.
SAM
He seems stressed.
MAN
Freaked because he got busted surfing porn on the Internet.
SAM
No, no, no way. When?
MAN
Got sent up to HR yesterday. Guess they put the fear of God in him.
INT. BREAK ROOM – DAY
The microwave dings and someone takes out a bag of popcorn and leaves. SAM heads for the coffeepot. The MAN goes to a supply cabinet and starts pocketing packets of pencils.
SAM
Ian, dude.
IAN
Just doing a little shopping. Running low at home.
SAM hands IAN a cup of coffee.
IAN
So, Sam, had any of those dreams lately?
SAM turns away.
IAN
What? Don't be like that. Come on. It's the highlight of my day.
SAM
I never should have told you in the first place.
IAN
They're genius. Don't hold out on me, dude. Share with the class.
SAM
You're just gonna be a dick about it.
IAN
What? No way. I won't say a word. Total respect. Go.
SAM
I dreamt that I saved a Grim Reaper named Tessa from demons.
IAN bursts out laughing. SAM looks away and sighs.
IAN
Classic! How much D&D did you play when you were a kid? Oh, my—okay, so you—rescuing the Grim Reaper. That's—you're a hero. I mean, thank God we got Harry Potter here to save us all from the apocalypse.
SAM
Dick.
IAN
Wizard.
INT. CUBICLE FARM – DAY
A printer whirs and spits out a paper. A fax machine whirs and sucks in papers. An automatic pencil sharpener whirs. SAM is back in his cubicle, filling out a form on a clipboard. He yawns and props his head on his hand, closing his eyes.
A montage of scenes: SAM in a fight, SAM killing a DEMON, SAM and DEAN shooting a striga, SAM dispelling an Acheri, DEAN staking and decapitating a vampire—SAM wakes up in his cubicle and looks around.
INT. ELEVATOR
SAM enters the elevator. DEAN and a few others are there. SAM tries not to stare at DEAN while the elevator whirs. Ding: everyone but SAM and DEAN gets out. The elevator closes.
SAM
Can I ask you a question?
DEAN
Look, man, I told you, I'm not into the, uh—
SAM
Oh dude, come on, I'm not either. I just wanna ask you one question.
DEAN looks around; there's no escape.
DEAN
Sure.
SAM
What do you think about ghosts?
DEAN
Ghosts?
SAM
Do you believe in them?
DEAN laughs.
DEAN
Uh, tell you the truth, I've never given it much thought.
SAM
Vampires?
DEAN
What? Why?
SAM
Because I've been having some weird dreams lately. You know what I mean?
DEAN
No. Not really.
SAM
So you've never had any...weird dreams?
DEAN
All right, look, man, I don't know you, okay? But I'm gonna do a public service and, uh, let you know that—that you overshare.
DEAN presses a floor button. The elevator dings and DEAN leaves.
INT. CUBICLE FARM – DAY
A printer whirs and spits out a paper. A fax machine whirs and sucks in papers. An automatic pencil sharpener whirs. SAM is again in his cubicle addressing his headset.
SAM
Did you turn it off, then on?
SAM is drawing vampires on a pad of paper.
SAM
All right, well, let's try that. No, no, it's fine, I'll wait.
SAM pulls up a search engine on his computer, looks both ways, and types in 'vampires'. He clicks to image search and glances over the pictures of Dracula wannabes.
SAM
Is it printing now? Oh, that's great. Anytime.
IAN
Whatcha doing?
SAM minimizes the search engine and hides the sketches, then turns to IAN, shaking his head. IAN is still the only one not wearing the yellow shirt.
SAM
Nothing.
IAN
You get an email from Human Resources?
SAM
No. Why?
IAN
Damn it. Guess it's just me, then. I'm supposed to, quote, report to HR, unquote.
SAM
They're probably finally busting you for snaking all those office supplies.
IAN
I hope they spank me.
IAN laughs, shoves his chair back to his cubicle, and leaves. SAM returns to his search engine.
PAUL
No no no no no no. Come on. Don't do this to me. Please.
SAM minimizes the window, takes off his headset, and stands up to lean over PAUL's cubicle.
SAM
Hey, man, you okay?
PAUL
It froze.
SAM
They're crap, Paul. They freeze all the time.
PAUL
You don't understand. When I, when I rebooted, everything was gone. A whole day's work deleted.
SAM
Well, did you back up?
PAUL
No, I didn't back up. I wish to God I backed up but I didn't. I'll get it back. I'll find it. It's somewhere. I'll find it.
SAM
Paul, it's okay, man. These things happen.
INT. CUBICLE FARM – NIGHT
The room is dark and empty except for PAUL's cubicle.
PAUL
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Please. Please.
The screen displays "ERROR: No Files Found".
PAUL
All that work. Gone. Failed.
PAUL's breath is briefly visible. PAUL gets up and walks to the break room. He breaks the tines off two plastic forks, opens the microwave, sticks the forks in where the door latches, enters 10:00 on the timer, sticks his head in, and presses start. Smoke and screams. Cut to black; the microwave dings.
ACT TWO
INT. CUBICLE FARM – DAY
People in coroner outfits roll a body bag past. SAM watches and sighs. DEAN and several other people, some in suits and some in the yellow shirts, also watch. SAM and DEAN notice each other. DEAN addresses another SUIT.
DEAN
Something about this seem not right to you?
SUIT
Uh, yeah, try the whole thing. I'm telling you, man, I'll never eat popcorn again.
DEAN
Yeah, right.
INT. DEAN'S OFFICE – DAY
DEAN is at his computer, accessing the Sandover personnel file for Paul Dunbar. It says his retirement party was supposed to be in two weeks.
DEAN
Two weeks?
INT. CUBICLE FARM – DAY
SAM rolls his chair over to IAN's cubicle. IAN is wearing the yellow shirt for the first time and working busily.
SAM
Hey. Why would someone kill themselves two weeks before they were supposed to retire? I mean, Paul was two weeks from freedom. He should have been happy, right?
IAN
I don't have time for this, Sam.
SAM laughs.
SAM
That's very funny.
SAM notices IAN's shirt and attitude.
SAM
What's with you?
IAN
I'm working. It's important.
SAM
HR bust your balls or something? You're wearing the shirt. Did you shave?
A phone rings.
IAN
Tech support, this is Ian. Be right up. Gotta go up to twenty-two, speak to a manager.
IAN takes off the headset and leaves.
INT. DEAN'S OFFICE – DAY
IAN knocks at the open door. DEAN looks up from his computer.
DEAN
Hi. Ian, is it? Yeah, come on in. Yesterday you filled out a 445-T and no problem, just a few errors when we did your switch over to Vista. So I'm sure you're used to filling out the dash-R's, am I right?
IAN
Oh, no.
DEAN
No no no. It's fine. It's fine. I just need you to redo one today so I can get the show on the road with the invoicing.
DEAN pushes a paper over the desk and smiles. IAN looks at it, terrified.
IAN
Oh my god.
DEAN
No, it's fine. Just refile it and we're square.
IAN
I can't believe I did this.
DEAN begins to notice something's wrong.
IAN
I can't believe I—I can't believe I did this.
DEAN
Hey, guy, come on.
IAN
No, no. It affected profits. It—I screwed up. I—I can't—I can't—I am so sorry. I—how could I do that? I failed Sandover. I failed the company.
DEAN
All right, why don't you sit down, Ian?
IAN
No.
IAN runs out of the room.
DEAN
Ian? Ian. Hey.
DEAN follows him.
INT. BATHROOM – DAY
DEAN enters the bathroom.
DEAN
Ian, hey. Just chill out, man. Okay?
IAN is staring into a mirror. DEAN's breath is briefly visible. All the faucets come on even though IAN and DEAN are the only ones in the room; all the soap dispensers, too.
DEAN
Ian, hey, maybe we should get out of here, huh? Come on. Ian. Look at me.
IAN turns toward DEAN and pulls a pencil out of his pocket. IAN stares at DEAN for a moment, then stabs himself in the neck. DEAN stares at the spout of blood and rushes forward as IAN collapses. DEAN looks up and sees an OLD MAN in the mirror, then turns around and no one's there. IAN goes still.
DEAN
Somebody help me!
INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
DEAN
No, I, I followed him into the bathroom.
The coroner people roll a body bag past, again with an audience. DEAN is talking to a police officer.
DEAN
He was, uh—he was standing there in front of the mirror, and then—
DEAN sees SAM and stops.
OFFICER
Continue. Sir.
DEAN
And he stabbed himself in the neck. I'm sorry, that's, um...
INT. CUBICLE FARM – DAY
INT. CUBICLE FARM – DAY
A printer whirs and spits out a paper. A fax machine whirs and sucks in papers. An automatic pencil sharpener whirs. A phone rings. SAM answers the phone.
SAM
Tech support, this is Sam.
DEAN
I need to see you in my office. Now.
SAM hangs up.
INT. DEAN'S OFFICE – DAY
DEAN buttons up a fresh shirt. He looks up at a knock.
DEAN
Come on in. Shut the door.
SAM closes the door behind himself.
DEAN
Who the hell are you?
SAM
I'm not sure I know.
DEAN
What the hell does that mean?
SAM
Sam Wesson. I started here three weeks ago.
DEAN
All right. You cornered me in the elevator talking about ghosts. And now...
SAM
Now what?
A pause.
DEAN
Now nothing. I, uh...so you started working here three weeks ago, huh?
SAM nods.
DEAN
Yeah, me too.
DEAN unscrews the top of a bottle.
DEAN
It's the Master Cleanse. You tried it? Phenomenal. Detoxes you like nobody's business.
DEAN drinks.
SAM
When you were in that bathroom with Ian, did you see something?
DEAN
I don't know. I don't know what I saw.
SAM
Wait. Are you saying that—did you see a ghost?
DEAN
I was freaking out. The guy penciled his damn neck.
SAM
You did, didn't you? Okay, listen. What if these suicides aren't suicides? I mean, what if they're something not natural?
DEAN
So, what, ghosts are real? And they're responsible for all the dead bodies around here? Is that what you're telling me?
DEAN and SAM finally sit down, in unison.
SAM
I know it sounds crazy. But yes. That's what I'm telling you.
DEAN
Uh-huh. Based on what?
SAM looks for an answer.
SAM
Instinct.
DEAN looks down, shaking his head, then back up.
DEAN
I've got the same instinct.
SAM
Seriously? You know those dreams I was telling you about? I was dreaming about ghosts.
DEAN
Yeah.
SAM
And then it turns out that there's a real ghost.
DEAN
So you're telling me that your dreams are special visions and you're some kind of psychic?
SAM
No. I mean, that would be nuts. I'm just saying something weird is definitely going on around here, right? So I've been digging around a little.
SAM pulls papers out of his bag.
SAM
I think I found a connection between the two guys.
SAM passes over the papers. DEAN looks at them.
DEAN
You broke into their email accounts?
SAM
I used some skills that I happen to have to satisfy my curiosity.
DEAN
Nice.
SAM
Yeah. Okay. So it turns out Ian and Paul both got this same email telling them to report to HR, room fourteen forty-four.
DEAN
HR's on seven.
SAM
Exactly.
DEAN
Should we go check this out?
SAM
Like right now?
DEAN
No. No, it's getting late. You're right.
SAM
I am dying to check this out right now.
DEAN
Right?
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
A MAN in tech support yellow comes through, looking around. He finds door number 1444 and goes inside. It's a storeroom.
INT. STOREROOM – NIGHT
MAN
Hello? Hello?
The door slams shut behind the MAN. He rattles the doorknob; it's locked. He looks around, seeing no indication of anyone else. All the monitors abruptly come on, showing only static. His breath is briefly visible. Everything rattles.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
DEAN and SAM are coming down the corridor when they hear the MAN yelling and hurry to room 1444. It's still locked.
INT. STOREROOM – NIGHT
SAM kicks the door open.
DEAN
Whoa.
A shelf has fallen on the MAN. DEAN and SAM hurry over to lift it off him. The OLD MAN from the bathroom appears behind DEAN and flings him into the wall, then shoves SAM over. His hands spark lightning. DEAN gets up and swings at the OLD MAN with a wrench. The OLD MAN dissipates before he can touch the MAN. The monitors shut off and everything stops shaking. DEAN and SAM lift the shelves so the MAN can scoot out from underneath.
SAM
How'd you know how to do that?
DEAN
I have no idea.
ACT THREE
INT. DEAN'S APARTMENT – NIGHT
DEAN drinks his Master Cleanse.
DEAN
Holy crap, dude.
SAM
Yeah. I could use a beer.
The room is now visible; it's all as upper-class expensive-looking as DEAN's business suits and Prius.
DEAN
Oh, sorry, man. I'm on the Cleanse. I got rid of all the carbs in the house.
SAM
Hey. How the hell did you know that ghosts are scared of wrenches?
DEAN hands SAM a water bottle.
DEAN
Crazy, right? And nice job kicking that door too. That was very Jet Li. What are you, like a black belt or something?
SAM
No. I have no clue how I did that. It's like...we've done this before.
DEAN
What do you mean, before? Like Shirley MacLaine before?
SAM
No. I—I just can't shake this feeling like I—like I don't belong here. You know? Like I should do something more than sit in a cubicle.
DEAN
I think most people who work in a cubicle feel that same way.
SAM
No. Well, look, it's more than that. Like, I don't like my job. I don't like this town. I don't like my clothes. I don't like my own last name. I don't know how else to explain it, except that...it feels like I should be doing something else. There's just something in my blood. Like I was destined for something different. What about you? You ever feel that way?
DEAN
I don't believe in destiny. I do believe in dealing with what's right in front of us, though.
SAM
All right, so, what do we do now?
DEAN
We do what I do best, Sammy. Research.
SAM
Okay. Did you just call me Sammy?
DEAN
Did I?
SAM
I think you did. Yeah. Don't.
DEAN
Sorry.
DEAN sits at one laptop at a corner desk and SAM at another laptop at a table.
DEAN
Oh, jackpot.
SAM
What you got?
DEAN
I just found the best site ever. Real, actual ghost hunters.
SAM goes over to see.
DEAN
These guys are genius. Check it out.
SAM
Instructional videos.
DEAN is looking at the Ghostfacers website. He pulls up a video. ED and HARRY of the Ghostfacers are wearing white lab coats.
ED
We know why you're watching.
HARRY
You've got a problem.
ED
A ghost problem.
HARRY
A ghost-related problem. A ghost—it's like a ghost-adjacent pr—it's like a problem that's—and the ghost is—
ED
Whatever. You've come to the right place. The only decent place, really, because the Ghostfacers know how to solve it.
HARRY
Period.
ED
Watch and learn.
HARRY
See, the first step in any supernatural fight:
ED and HARRY
Figure out what you're up against.
DEAN looks over at SAM. On SAM's laptop is an article about the death of Sandover's founder; it has a picture.
DEAN
That's him. That's the ghost.
SAM
P. T. Sandover. Died 1916. Devoted his life to his work. No wife, no kids.
The article text visible next to the picture reads "Office 1444 was considered to be the center of the company's operations, with Sandover himself overseeing all details of any construction project the company undertook. / Considered to be a difficult person to work for, P.T. Sandover had an exceptionally high standard of quality, often marching onto construction sites and halting all work until he personally inspected each aspect of the structure. Aiming for perfection is perhaps why the Sandover legacy is so impressive, dominating the industry with the scale and scope of its projects."
SAM
Used to say he was the company, and his very blood pumped through the building.
DEAN
Wow, okay. So slight workaholic. Maybe he's still here, you know, watching over the company, even killing for it.
SAM
Plus, turns out this isn't the first time people started killing themselves in the building. 1929.
DEAN
Yeah, but lots of guys jumped off lots of high rises that year.
SAM
How many companies had seventeen suicides?
DEAN
Phew. Okay, so P. T. Sandover, protector of the company. His ghost wakes up and becomes active during times of grave economic distress.
SAM
Well, I mean, the worst time we've seen since the Great Depression—
DEAN
Is now. Yeah, now sucks. My portfolio's in the sewer. I don't even wanna talk about it.
SAM
So Sandover's helping the bottom line—
DEAN
By zapping some model employees.
SAM
Yeah. I mean, Ian and Paul. It was like he turned them into different people.
DEAN
Perfect worker bees, exactly. So devoted to the company that they would commit hara-kiri if they failed it.
SAM
One more interesting fact. The building wasn't always that high. Used to be fourteen floors. And the room where the ghost attacked, fourteen forty-four? Once upon a time, that was the old man's office.
DEAN and SAM return to watching the Ghostfacers video.
HARRY
Once you've got that thing in your sights—
ED and HARRY
You kill it.
HARRY
Using special ghost-hunting weapons.
ED
First, salt. It's like acid to ghosts.
HARRY
Burny acid.
ED
Not LSD.
HARRY
No. It's a bad trip for ghosts. Next up, iron.
SAM
That's why the wrench worked.
ED
Pure power in your hand.
HARRY
Dissipates ghosts instantly.
ED
Next little trick. We learned this from those useless douchebags—
HARRY
That we hate.
ED
The Winchesters.
HARRY
Gun.
ED
Shotgun shell. Pack it up with fresh rock salt.
HARRY
Very effective.
ED
Very effective.
HARRY
Winchesters still suck ass, though.
ED
Affirmative. Suckage major.
DEAN packs two pokers in a duffel bag that contains a salt shaker and unidentifiable items.
DEAN
Where do we even get a gun?
SAM
Gun store?
DEAN
Isn't there like some kind of waiting period or something?
SAM
I think so.
DEAN
Well, how in the hell—
SAM
I don't know. Seems pretty impossible, honestly.
DEAN
Right.
Back to the video.
ED
The aforementioned super-annoying Winchester douchenozzles also taught us this one other thing. You have to burn the remains.
HARRY
Okay, this next part gets a little gross. Sometimes you might have to dig up the body. Sorry.
ED
It's illegal in some states.
HARRY
All states.
ED
Possibly all states.
SAM
Sandover was cremated.
DEAN
What? So what do we do now?
HARRY
Now, if the deceased has been cremated—
ED
Don't panic.
HARRY
Don't panic.
ED
Just gotta look for some other remains.
HARRY
A hair in a locket, maybe. Fingernails. Baby teeth.
ED
Milk teeth.
HARRY
Genetic material. You know what we're talking about.
ED
Go find it.
HARRY
Fight well, young lions.
ED
Godspeed.
INT. ELEVATOR – NIGHT
SAM and DEAN enter the elevator.
DEAN
Set your cell phone to walkie-talkie in case we get separated.
DEAN has his phone out; SAM gets his.
SAM
How the hell are we gonna find some ancient speck of DNA in a skyscraper?
DEAN
Well, that creepy storeroom used to be Sandover's office, right?
DEAN presses button 14.
INT. STOREROOM – NIGHT
DEAN and SAM look through the things stored in 1444. DEAN goes behind some shelves while SAM rifles through the desk easily visible from the door.
GUARD
What the hell are you doing here?
SAM startles. DEAN ducks out of sight.
SAM
Nothing. I just—
GUARD
Come with me.
The GUARD grabs SAM's arm and shuts the door behind them.
SAM
Man, listen. Look. It's okay. I—I work here.
GUARD
Whatever. Tell it to the cops.
The GUARD takes SAM down the corridor and into the elevator, which descends several floors. The current-weather screen inside the elevator goes to static, and both men's breath is briefly visible. The elevator screeches to a halt. The GUARD uses his elevator key to open the inner doors, then pries open the outer doors; they're stuck between two floors.
GUARD
Well, come on.
Something makes an ominous sound.
SAM
What?
GUARD
Last time this happened, it took them two hours to get here.
SAM
Let's just wait.
The GUARD crawls out, nearly kicking SAM in the face.
INT. STOREROOM – NIGHT
DEAN continues to search through drawers. He finds a framed picture of a Sandover bridge.
INT. ELEVATOR – NIGHT
The GUARD is out of the elevator and turns back for SAM.
SAM
Seriously, I'll wait.
The GUARD leans back into the elevator.
GUARD
Look, I don't have the rest of my life.
The elevator jerks downward abruptly, decapitating the GUARD. SAM's face and shirt are covered in blood spray.
DEAN over the phone
Hey. You okay?
SAM slowly reaches for the phone.
SAM
Call you back.
ACT FOUR
INT. CUBICLE FARM – NIGHT
SAM walks between the cubicles, talking into his phone. He's cleaning the blood off his face with a towel.
SAM
Dean, you there?
DEAN
Yeah, listen, I think I got it. Meet me on twenty-two.
SAM
Okay, yeah. Just, uh, take the stairs.
INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
DEAN is looking at the Sandover history display when SAM comes in.
DEAN
Whoa. That's a lot of blood.
SAM
Yeah, I know.
DEAN
Right. So, uh, in there.
DEAN points to a glass case containing a pair of gloves.
SAM
P. T. Sandover's gloves.
DEAN
Yeah, how much you wanna bet there's a little smidge of DNA in there? You know, like a fingernail clipping or a hair or two? Something.
SAM
So you ready?
DEAN
I have no idea.
SAM
Me neither.
SAM and DEAN both take a poker and SAM takes a container of salt.
SAM
Go for it.
DEAN
Right.
DEAN smashes the glass. SAM's breath is briefly visible. SANDOVER appears behind DEAN and flings him into the wall, then SAM. His hands spark as he approaches SAM, who grabs the salt and flings some through him. SANDOVER dissipates. DEAN gets up.
DEAN
Oh. Nice.
SANDOVER appears behind DEAN.
SAM
Dean.
SAM throws DEAN the poker. DEAN turns and swings it through SANDOVER, who dissipates again.
SAM
Nice catch.
DEAN
Right?
SAM gets up and goes over to pick up the other poker. SANDOVER appears between SAM and DEAN, who simultaneously hit him with pokers; he dissipates. He appears behind DEAN, who turns around to get him, then behind SAM, who does the same, then between them, and throws first SAM, then DEAN into opposite walls. His hands spark and he reaches for DEAN. SAM sees the gloves and grabs them and his lighter. The gloves catch fire and so does SANDOVER, who burns into nothing. SAM drops the burning gloves.
SAM
That was amazing.
DEAN
Right? Right?
INT. DEAN'S OFFICE – NIGHT
DEAN pulls a first-aid kit out of his desk.
DEAN
Man, I gotta tell you, I've never had so much fun in my life.
SAM
Me neither.
DEAN
Was a hell of a workout too, wasn't it?
SAM
We should keep doing this.
DEAN
I know.
DEAN looks through the kit and comes out with two gauze pads(?). He gives one to SAM.
SAM
I mean it. There gotta be other ghosts out there. We could help a lot of people.
DEAN
Right, we'd be like the Ghostfacers.
SAM
No, really. I mean, for real.
DEAN
What? Like, quit our jobs and hit the road?
SAM
Exactly.
DEAN
How would we live?
SAM
Uh...
DEAN
You gotta be kidding me. How would we get by? With stolen credit cards? Huh? Eating diner food drenched in saturated fats? Sharing a crap motel room every night?
SAM
That's all just details.
DEAN
Details are everything. You don't wanna go fighting ghosts without any health insurance.
SAM
All right. Um. Confession.
DEAN
What?
SAM
Remember those dreams I told you about with the ghosts?
DEAN
Yeah?
SAM
I was fighting them.
DEAN
Okay.
SAM
With you. We were these, like, hunters, and we were friends. More like brothers, really. I mean, what if that's who we really are? I mean, you saw us back there, working together. The ghost was scrambling people's brains. What if it scrambled ours?
DEAN
That's insane.
SAM
Is it? Think about it for just one second. What if we think this is our life, but it's not?
DEAN
Hey, man, the ghost is dead and we're still standing. I mean, I'm sorry, but—
SAM
Look, all I know is this isn't who we're supposed to be.
DEAN
No. I'm Dean Smith, okay? Director of Sales and Marketing. I went to Stanford. My father's name is Bob, my mother's name is Ellen, and my sister's name is Jo.
SAM
When was the last time you talked to them? To any of them?
DEAN
Okay, you're upset. You're upset, you're confused—
SAM
Yeah, 'cause I only moved here 'cause I just broke up with my fiancée, Madison. But I called her number and I got a damn animal hospital.
DEAN
Okay. What are you saying? Are you trying to say that my family isn't real? Huh? That we've been injected with fake memories? Come on.
SAM
All I know is, I got this feeling in my gut. And I know—I know that deep down, you gotta be feeling it too. We're supposed to be something else. You're not just some corporate douchebag. This isn't you. I know you.
DEAN
Know me? You don't know me, pal. You should go.
SAM leaves.
ACT FIVE
INT. CUBICLE FARM – DAY
A printer whirs and spits out a paper. A fax machine whirs and sucks in papers. An automatic pencil sharpener whirs. SAM is in his cubicle filling out a form on a clipboard. The phone rings. SAM stares at it. He takes off his headset, picks up the poker he brought with him, gets up, and beats the phone to death. Everyone stares.
SAM
I quit.
INT. DEAN'S OFFICE – DAY
DEAN is typing at his computer. ADLER knocks at the door.
ADLER
Got a minute?
DEAN
Sure, of course.
ADLER comes in and shuts the door.
ADLER
How are you feeling, Dean?
DEAN
Uh, great.
ADLER
You look a little tired. Been working hard, I gather.
DEAN
Yeah.
ADLER
Ah, don't be modest. I hear everything. And I'm pleased with what I'm hearing.
ADLER sits down in front of DEAN's desk.
ADLER
That's why it's important to me that you're happy.
ADLER pulls out a pen, grabs a piece of notepaper, and writes down a five-digit number.
ADLER
How's that for a bonus?
DEAN looks at the paper.
DEAN
That's very generous.
ADLER
Purely selfish. Wanna make sure you're not going anywhere.
DEAN
Wow. Are you sure?
ADLER
Positive. You are Sandover material, son. Real go-getter. Carving your own way.
DEAN
Well, thanks. I try.
ADLER
I see big things in your future. Maybe even senior VP, Eastern Great Lakes Division. Don't get me wrong, you'll have to work for it. Seven days a week, lunch at your desk, but in eight to ten short years, that could be you.
DEAN takes off his headset.
DEAN
Uh, well, thank you. Thank you, sir. It's, um...but...
DEAN passes the paper back.
DEAN
I am giving my notice.
ADLER
This is a joke. You're kidding me, right?
DEAN
No. I've—I recently—uh, very recently realized that I have some other work I have to do. It's, uh, very important to me.
ADLER
Other work? Another company?
DEAN
No, I—it's hard to explain. Um. It's just that this—this is—it's just—it's not who I'm supposed to be.
ADLER grins.
DEAN
What?
ADLER
Dean, Dean, Dean. Finally.
ADLER stands up and presses two fingers to DEAN's forehead. Everything goes from saturated color to dim. DEAN looks around at the office and himself.
DEAN
What the hell? Why am I wearing a tie? My God, am I hungry.
ADLER laughs.
ADLER
Welcome back.
DEAN stands up.
DEAN
Wait. Did I—did I just get touched by—you're an angel, aren't you?
ADLER
I'm Zachariah.
DEAN
Oh, great. That's all I need is another one of you guys.
ZACHARIAH
I'm hardly another one, Dean. I'm Castiel's superior. Believe me, I had no interest in popping down here into one of these smelly things.
ZACHARIAH indicates his body.
ZACHARIAH
But after the unfortunate situation with Uriel, I felt it necessary to pay a visit. Get my ducks in a row.
DEAN
I am not one of your ducks.
ZACHARIAH
Starting with your attitude.
DEAN
Oh, so, what? This was all some sort of a lesson? Is that what you're telling me? Wow. Very creative.
ZACHARIAH
You should see my decoupage.
DEAN
Gross. No thank you. So, what? I'm just hallucinating all this? Is that it?
ZACHARIAH
Not at all. Real place, real haunting. Just plunked you in the middle without the benefit of your memories.
DEAN
Just to shake things up? Hm? So you guys can have fun watching us run around like ass clowns in monkey suits?
ZACHARIAH
To prove to you that the path you're on is truly in your blood. You're a hunter. Not because your dad made you, not because God called you back from hell, but because it is what you are. And you love it. You'll find your way to it in the dark every single time and you're miserable without it. Dean, let's be real here. You're good at this. You'll be successful. You will stop it.
DEAN
Stop what? The apocalypse, huh? Lucifer? What? Be specific, man.
ZACHARIAH
You'll do everything you're destined to do. All of it. But I know, I know. You're not strong enough. You're scared. You got daddy issues. You can't do it. Right?
DEAN
Angel or not, I will stab you in your face.
ZACHARIAH
All I'm saying is it's how you look at it. Most folks live and die without moving anything more than the dirt it takes to bury them. You get to change things.
DEAN turns away.
ZACHARIAH
Save people, maybe even the world. All the while you drive a classic car and fornicate with women. This isn't a curse. It's a gift. So for God's sakes, Dean, quit whining about it. Look around. There are plenty of fates worse than yours. So are you with me? You wanna go steam yourself another latte? Or are you ready to stand up and be who you really are?