4.12 Criss Angel Is a Douchebag (transcript)
Written by: Julie Siege
Directed by: Robert SingerAir Date: 22 Jan 2009
From 4.04 Metamorphosis, a DEMON speaks to SAM, RUBY watching.
Tell me about those months without your brother.
From 4.09 I Know What You Did Last Summer, RUBY kisses SAM, and they get naked.
DEMON (voiceover from 4.04 Metamorphosis)
About all the things you and this demon bitch do in the dark.
From 4.04 Metamorphosis, SAM yanks the DEMON out of the host.
DEAN (voiceover from 4.04 Metamorphosis)
Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human?
From 4.09 I Know What You Did Last Summer, DEAN talks to SAM.
Why do you trust her so much?
She saved my life.
From 4.09 I Know What You Did Last Summer, SAM tries to exorcise ALASTAIR and fails.
You don't have the juice to take me on, Sam.
ALASTAIR flings SAM down the stairs.
From 4.10 Heaven and Hell, RUBY talks to SAM.
Your abilities—you're getting flabby.
Yeah, so how do I tone up?
You know what you got to do.
No, I'm not doing that anymore.
I said no.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
A MAGICIAN demonstrates turning a heart-shaped balloon into a dove, to applause from the crowd. A sign on a nearby streetlight reads IOWA Celebrates MAGIC WEEK WELCOME the International Association of Magicians SIOUX CITY.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
A MAGICIAN practices a card-handling move. Another MAGICIAN, an OLD MAN, JAY, demonstrates a one-handed cut to the BARTENDER.
Wow. You're really good.
Another MAGICIAN, a YOUNGER MAN, VANCE, and his ASSISTANT are sitting nearby.
Yeah, great. Hey, show us another.
Finish your drink, Vance.
This is a simple riffle shuffle.
JAY shuffles the deck and fumbles some of the cards. VANCE laughs.
Do a card trick for me.
VANCE Ooh, here we go, The Incredible Jay.
All right, young lady, would you please tell me when to stop?
JAY riffles the edge of the cards, stopping when:
JAY holds up part of the deck, showing the card he was stopped on. He hasn't seen the card himself: it's the three of spades.
This is your card. Commit it to memory, hm?
JAY puts the deck back together, the three of spades apparently somewhere in the middle.
That's incredible, Jay.
Don't be a jerk.
JAY spreads the cards out face-down, then uses the four of diamonds to flip them all face-up.
Do you see your card?
Um...no, I don't.
JAY plays with the cards, making the BARTENDER laugh.
No, the cards say no.
Check his pocket.
ASSISTANT For God's sake, Vance.
VANCE gets up.
Oh, just check—check the damn pocket!
So, if you then would remove—
VANCE comes over and clears his throat. He pulls a card out of JAY's pocket and turns it over.
This your card?
It's the three of spades.
Why are you so mean? Can't you just leave the old guy alone?
JAY is taken aback.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
"I Am the Douchebag" by Christopher Lennertz and Steve Frangadakis plays. Another MAGICIAN, a YOUNG MAN, JEB DEXTER, is practicing a trick involving flying on wires, smoke, and flames in the palms of his hands, to a small audience.
You can't see me
You can't feel me
But I will make it real
Yet ANOTHER MAGICIAN, CHARLIE, an OLD MAN with a birthmark above his right eye, is one of the audience members. So is JAY and so is yet ANOTHER MAGICIAN, VERNON, an OLD MAN.
Is he wearing eyeliner?
MUSIC Sanctify Electrify
Can't tell. I'm blinded by all the sterling silver.
I am the spirit of the night
The light has to find me!
The music stops.
Get it? It, it has to find me!
Let's take it back.
CHARLIE What a douchebag.
Would you guys give it a rest? You're giving me a headache.
Oh, come on, Jay. His misdirect is shaking his ass like an Eighth Avenue hooker.
Used to be about skill.
Yeah, used to be. Used to be. Listen to the two of you. It's pathetic. Bitter old men talking about the glory days. You know what? This douchebag isn't the joke. We are.
CHARLIE Hey, who you calling a joke?
Me, for one.
JEB's act is back on.
JAY That used to be us.
MUSIC I am the spirit of the night
You know, maybe he is a douchebag—
But he's playing the main stage and we can't even afford an assistant. What the hell are we doing?
We're doing all right.
MUSIC I am the vision of night
No, we're not. We're sad, we're old, and we're dying.
I'm gonna do the Table of Death tonight.
No. No, you're not, Jay. Don't be crazy.
You almost killed yourself the last time you tried it, and that was thirty years ago!
Oh, who cares if it kills me? At least I'll go out with a headline.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
SOMEONE in the audience is yawning. JAY is onstage in a tuxedo.
Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to see is not a trick or an illusion—simply a display of daring and dexterity.
JAY lies down on a table labeled Table of Death. CHARLIE cuffs him down.
Now, young lady, if you'll please check the bindings, you'll see they're very real. Very tight.
A YOUNG WOMAN tests each of the cuffs.
Thank you. You may take your seat.
Damn straight they're tight. You sure you can slip them?
Above the table are ten swords, each with a blade stained red. CHARLIE pulls a curtain, hiding JAY and the swords from view. The lights go out. Backstage, VERNON does the sign of the cross. CHARLIE picks up a miniature blowtorch and goes over to VERNON. They communicate silently. JAY tries to slip the cuffs; they're too tight. CHARLIE lights the blowtorch, then the end of a cord attached to a rope.
EXT. HOTEL PATRICIA – NIGHT
VANCE and his ASSISTANT are leaving Pat's Pub.
ASSISTANT Show's in an hour, Vance. Try to be on time.
VANCE waves her off.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
The cord burns with much light and smoke and sparks. A light behind the curtain shows JAY's silhouette as he struggles to get out of the cuffs.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
VANCE walks along.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
The cord burns to the end and through the rope. The swords fall, piercing the table. JAY's silhouette is still on the table.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
VANCE stumbles, pressing his hands to his chest, and falls.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
The lights are back on. CHARLIE tugs one curtain aside, JAY the other. JAY takes a bow. A standing ovation. JAY accepts the applause, looking confused.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
VANCE is lying on the ground. Blood soaks his white shirt from several places under the shirt.
EXT. STREET – DAY
JEB DEXTER is doing card tricks for an audience.
This, this isn't a trick, okay? I, I, I don't do tricks. This is a demonstration—
"CRISS ANGEL IS A DOUCHEBAG"
—about demons and angels—
DEAN and SAM, wearing suits, approach JEB.
—love and lust—
What a douchebag.
There are a CAMERAPERSON and a MICROPHONE PERSON in the audience.
—all that stuff mixed up in my head.
That's Jeb Dexter.
I don't even want to know how you know that.
He's famous, kind of.
—but whatever happens, no matter how—
For what? Douchebaggery?
—messed up it gets, don't touch me, okay?
For your own safety.
JEB exhales, shaking his head, then imitates something like a seizure. With one hand he grabs for the cards in his other hand and scatters them, flinging them in the direction of the window behind him.
Go back to hell, demon!
The card that sticks to the window is the ace of diamonds. JEB drags his hand over the card to show that it's on the far side of the glass.
JEB Is this your card?
You've got to be kidding me. A fake demon possession?
DEAN heads away and SAM follows.
DEAN I can't believe people actually fall for that crap.
It's not all crap.
What part of that was not—
—a steaming pile of BS?
Okay, that was crap, but that's not all magicians.
It takes skill.
Oh, right, right, I forgot. You were actually into this stuff, weren't you?
DEAN I mean, you had, you had, like a deck of cards and a wand.
SAM Dude, I was thirteen. It was a phase.
Just—it bugs me. You know, playing at demons and, and magic, when the real thing will kill you bloody.
Like a guy who drops dead of ten stab wounds—
—without a single tear in his shirt?
That's what I'm talking about.
VANCE'S HOTEL ROOM
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
VANCE'S ASSISTANT tosses a bunch of metal rings into a mostly-packed trunk. She turns to face SAM and DEAN.
So did your boss have any enemies that you know of?
Vance had plenty of enemies.
She leans down and grabs the end of a series of tied-together handkerchiefs.
SAM How so?
He would steal from other magicians. All the time.
What would he steal?
Stage effects, closeup techniques, anything he could get his hands on.
Is that enough to get him killed?
These guys take this stuff pretty seriously.
She moves a cloth off a white rabbit.
There you are.
She bends down to pick up and pet the rabbit.
Did you find anything weird in Vance's stuff? Well, weirder?
Matter of fact, I did.
She puts the bunny in a bag and pulls out a Rider-Waite tarot card: the Ten of Swords. The image on the card is of ten swords sticking out of a man's back.
SAM I'm guessing this didn't belong to Vance.
He hated card tricks. Never wanted them around. Let alone in his precious cape.
She hands over the card. SAM looks at both sides of it: it looks like a perfectly ordinary tarot card.
JAY'S HOTEL ROOM
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
JAY is practicing card tricks when SOMEONE knocks on the door. He grins and goes over to open the door, then waves him in: it's CHARLIE.
You gonna tell me how you did it?
You know what.
The great ones never give away the how.
Yesterday you were sad, old, and dying. Today you're one of the great ones? Come on. This is me you're talking to.
You didn't think I could do it.
No, Jay, I didn't. You're my friend, my best friend. I just didn't want to see you get hurt.
JAY goes back to playing with the cards.
Charlie, you want to see something? Look at this.
JAY cuts the deck several times and extracts three cards from it, all three aces.
'Not bad'? I've been working to pull an ace out of the middle of the deck for years, just one, and now I can pull three.
Still missing the ace of hearts.
I want to do the Executioner tonight.
CHARLIE Are you trying to get yourself killed?
JAY It's just a rope slip.
Houdini wouldn't try the Executioner.
Exactly. Think about it, Charlie. If I can pull this off...
I think you're pushing your luck.
It wasn't luck. It wasn't. Here, stand over there.
JAY moves CHARLIE to where he wants him.
JAY Let's not end up like this, Charlie, a couple old farts doing birthdays and bar mitzvahs.
CHARLIE Beats dying.
I would do anything for you. You know that. But I will not watch you die. I'll miss that show.
No, you'll be there. You're always there for me. Check your pocket.
CHARLIE checks his coat pocket, then his shirt pocket; the ace of hearts is there. CHARLIE laughs.
CHARLIE That's good, Jay. That's pretty damn good.
I can do it, Charlie. I want to do it.
CHARLIE nods. JAY laughs.
INT. THEATER – DAY
There's a sign up that reads The Incredible Jay over the Table of Death. JEB DEXTER is on the phone nearby.
It's a lame gig. I'm in a fleabag hotel doing this man-of-the-people crap, and freaking Angel's in Vegas doing Cirque du Soleil! That should have been mine.
JEB sits down at a table. CHARLIE and VERNON are at an adjacent table. DEAN approaches them.
JEB All right, boys, get it in gear, I don't got all day.
JEB's CAMERAPERSON and MICROPHONE PERSON start moving. DEAN crouches behind VERNON.
You Vernon Haskell?
DEAN Federal agent. Ulrich.
DEAN shows him an FBI ID.
Looking into the death of Patrick Vance.
JEB talks into the camera. He's sitting across from JAY.
I'm Jeb Dexter. This is Devil Twist. We're chilling at the International Magicians' Convention, which is a dope chance to tip my hat to the wicked cats who came before me. Smoking hot effect last night, Jim.
My name is Jay.
JEB Yeah, whatever. We can loop it later.
What a douchebag.
Couldn't agree more. Is, uh—
DEAN pulls out the Ten of Swords.
This familiar to you?
Should it be?
DEAN Well, I heard that you used tarot cards in your act.
That was a long time ago. I haven't touched a deck in years, you know...
VERNON holds up a shaking hand.
Do you know someone that might use them now?
Well, there was a guy down on Bleeker Street.
Oh, yeah. He, he peddles that kind of specialty stuff.
Did he have a problem with Vance?
Matter of fact, Vance crossed him about a year ago. Probably cost him fifty grand in royalties.
You know the exact address?
Four twenty-six Bleeker.
Ask for Chief.
DEAN Chief. Thank you.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
DEAN walks along the street till he comes to a neon sign saying 426. DEAN knocks on the bars on the door. The chain-link door swings open, revealing a YOUNG MAN who eyes DEAN.
I'm, uh, here to see Chief.
The YOUNG MAN raises his eyebrows and opens the barred door.
INT. BUILDING – NIGHT
DEAN follows the YOUNG MAN downstairs.
Stay here. Don't touch anything.
The YOUNG MAN leaves. DEAN looks around. There's graffiti on the walls and the bass line of music is audible. A door opens and DEAN turns to face it: a LARGE MAN, CHIEF, climbs the stairs, backlit, and the music is more clearly heard. CHIEF is wearing all leather and carrying a flogger, which he slaps into his other hand a couple times.
You are really gonna get it tonight, big boy.
DEAN There's been a misunderstanding. I, uh, think I've been had.
CHIEF Oh, you ain't been had till you been had by the Chief.
CHIEF Oh, and before we get started, what's your safeword?
INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
SAM is sitting at a table working on his laptop. A knock at the door. SAM looks up, waits, then gets up and goes to peer through the peephole. He sighs and opens the door. It's RUBY, arms folded.
SAM What are you doing here, Ruby?
I should be asking you the same thing.
RUBY comes in.
I'm working a job.
The whole world's about to be engulfed in hellfire, and you're in Magictown, USA.
You got something against magic?
RUBY That would almost be funny if thirty-four seals hadn't been broken already. Thirty-four, Sam. That's over halfway. The angels are losing this war. Every day is one day closer, and if someone doesn't do something soon—
And that someone is me?
RUBY Who else would it be?
SAM I don't know where these seals are. I don't know squat. So why don't you tell me where you'd like me to start?
Well, you can quit dicking around here, for one. Bigger fish, Sam. And if the seals are being broken, you might want to go after the one doing the breaking.
Cut the head off the snake. You're the only one who can stop her, Sam. So step up and kill the little bitch.
Oh, I'm game, believe me. It's not the psychic thing I got a problem with.
Yeah, I know what you got a problem with, but tough. It's the only way.
RUBY You know, this would all be so much easier if you'd just admit to yourself that you like it. That feeling that it gives you.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Oh I don't, huh? Fine.
RUBY goes to leave.
It's simple. Lucifer rises, the apocalypse starts. You think that you have demons on your hands now? People are gonna die, Sam. Oceans of people. So you just let me know when you're ready.
INT. THEATER – NIGHT
SAM stands near an entrance. DEAN comes up behind him.
Find anything interesting?
What? Uh, no. You?
Nothing I want to talk about, or think about, ever again.
VERNON and CHARLIE stand together.
He's crazy, and you know it.
CHARLIE He says he can do it.
Did you even try to talk him out of it?
Till I was blue in the face. But I tell you, Vernon, there was...there was something in his eyes.
'In his eyes'? You're both nuts.
DEAN and SAM approach.
The Chief, huh?
What's the matter? Chief not your type?
CHARLIE smirks. DEAN smirks back.
You know, I could have you both arrested for obstruction of justice.
How? You're no Fed.
We con people for a living, son. Takes more than a fake badge to get past us.
DEAN laughs. So does SAM.
You got us. Yeah, we—we are actually—aspiring magicians.
SAM Yeah, we -- We came to the convention 'cause we thought we could learn something.
DEAN Yeah, get some ideas for our new show.
VERNON Ooh, what kind of show?
DEAN Well, it's-- It's a --
SAM It's a brother act.
DEAN Yeah. Yeah, you know, with the rings and doves and...rings.
CHARLIE You want to learn something? Stick around.
JAY Ladies and gentlemen, what you're about to witness is a feat so daring, So dangerous, even the great Houdini dared not attempt it. I give to you...The executioner!
INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (Jeb is posing in front of a mirror)
JAY Now, sir, as you can see, this jacket is the real article. Thank you, sir. You may take your seat. Now, I will have one minute -- 60 seconds --To escape certain death. Let's see if I can do it. ( the curtain falls and Jay's silhouette is seen struggling to get out of the straightjacket)
INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (as Jeb poses a noose moved by itself and positions itself behind him)
INT. CLUB (Jay can be seen still maneuvering out of the straightjacket)
DEAN I don't think he's gonna make it.
INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (the noose drops around Jeb's neck and pulls him up, hanging him)
INT. CLUB (Jay pushes aside the curtain, unharmed)
DEAN Oh! That was amazing! That was freakin' amazing!
SAM That was...not humanly possible.
INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (Jeb hangs from the noose tied to the ceiling fan , dead)
INT. HOTEL ROOM
SAM Looks like this guy Jay was a pretty big deal in the '70s.
DEAN Which in magician land means what, exactly?
SAM Big enough to play radio city music hall.
DEAN What got him stuck in their "where are they now?" File?
SAM He got old.
DEAN Okay, so maybe incredible Jay is using real magic to stage a comeback.
SAM It's possible. Some kind of spell that works a death transference.
DEAN How does the tarot card mix into it?
SAM I don't know.
DEAN Man...hope I die before I get old. Whole thing seems brutal, don't it?
SAM You think we will?
SAM Die before we get old.
DEAN Haven't we both already?
SAM You know what I mean, Dean. I mean, do you think we'll still be chasing demons when we're 60?
DEAN No, I think we'll be dead...for good. What? You want to end up like -- Like travis? Huh?Or Gordon, maybe?
SAM There's Bobby.
DEAN Oh, yeah, there's a poster child for growing old gracefully.
SAM Maybe we'll be different, Dean.
DEAN What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life.
SAM What if we could win?
SAM If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it.
DEAN Is there something going on you're not telling me?
SAM No. Look, I'm just saying...I just wish there was a way we could...go after the source. That's all. Cut the head off the snake.
DEAN Well, the problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads. Evil bitches just keep piling out of the Volkswagen.
SAM Yeah. Guess you're right.
DEAN Why don't you go see if you can track down Jay? I'll see what I can dig up on this tarot card.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY
DEAN Maid found Jeb hanging from the ceiling fan. Police think it was a suicide. (Dean pulls out another tarot card, this time of the hanged man) I beg to differ. Pulled a little sleight of hand myself.
SAM On Dexter's body?
DEAN Yeah, so I'm thinking if this spell is a death transference, then these cards work like black-Magic targets.
SAM Any connection between the victims?
DEAN Jeb was a total douche bag to Jay yesterday.
SAM What about the first vic? Uh, Vance?
DEAN Asked around. Apparently, Vance was heckling Jay at the bar the day he was killed.
SAM Okay, so Jay sneaks a card into Vance's pocket, does the table of death...
DEAN And Vance takes 10 swords to the chest.
SAM Then Jay slips a noose and Jeb doesn't. Hell of a trick.
DEAN Yeah, I think it's time we had a little chat with Jay. Any luck tailing him?
SAM He slipped me.
DEAN He's a 60-Year-Old.
SAM He's a magician.
(Sam & Dean follow Jay to his hotel room)
DEAN Up against the wall!
JAY God, who are you? What do you want?
SAM We know what you've been up to.
DEAN You been working some real bad mojo to jump-Start your act.
JAY What? I don't know what you're talking about.
SAM Look, we know you put a spell on those tarot cards.
DEAN Messing with real magic?
JAY "Real magic"? Come on, there's no such thing as real magic.
DEAN Oh, is that so?
JAY Yeah, believe me. I've been around this stuff my whole life. It's all just --It's -- It's illusions. It's tricks. It -- It's all fake.
DEAN Jeb Dexter strung up --was that just an illusion?
JAY What? Something happened to Jeb?
SAM He was found hanged in his room. Right after you slipped the noose last night.
JAY I don't know what you're talking about. Please...Just let me go.
DEAN Something's not right.
SAM Usually they're whipping some badass hoodoo at us by now.
(Sam & Dean have tied Jay to a chair)
DEAN What do you want to do?
SAM All right, so, if it's not him, who is it?
DEAN Even if Jay's not working the magic, he's still getting the reward. His shows are selling out.
SAM All right. So, then, whoever it is, they're obviously in Jay's corner.
DEAN All right, so we got Vernon and Charlie on the list. Anyone else?
SAM Uh...We could always ask him.
(Jay has escaped from the chair and is gone)
DEAN Guess we should have seen that one coming.
SAM Come on. He couldn't have gotten that far.
(Sam & Dean leave the room, Jay peeks out of the closet)
SAM No way he could outrun us.
DEAN Maybe he vanished. I mean, he really is good.
SAM Or he found a back door.
(Jay comes up behind them as the police come into the lobby)
JAY That's them! Those are the two nut jobs that just broke into my room!
INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER
JAY They said my act is killing people. They said that I was using real magic, that I was casting spells on tarot cards.
CHARLIE "Real magic." Those guys are nuts. You're lucky to be alive.
JAY You don't think...
JAY Well, the things that I can do now -- The cards.
CHARLIE You've been working the cards your whole life.
JAY Well, what about the escapes? I haven't been able to slip a pair of cuffs in 30 years. And then there was the way that -- that patrick Vance died. And that Jeb Dexter.
CHARLIE Yeah, no great loss there.
JAY Oh, Charlie, he didn't deserve to die.
CHARLIE You had nothing to do with it.
JAY He was hanged the same night that I performed the executioner.
CHARLIE Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you actually believe those guys? That there was some kind of "real magic" involved?
JAY No. I don't know. I don't know, maybe. I shouldn't go on tonight, Charlie.
CHARLIE Are you kidding me? You have a sold-out house out there. Sold out! When was the last time that happened?
JAY The other night...When I was doing the table of death, I was, um...I was gonna kill myself. And I have no idea how I got out alive.
CHARLIE But you did. Somehow, you did. Jay...when you were in your day you were incredible. "The incredible Jay." You were the best I ever saw. And now you got it back. I don't know how, but it doesn't matter. Just to see you at the top of your game again. Hell, it makes me feel young.
CHARLIE No buts, Jay. This may be mana from heaven, I don't know, but whatever it is, you don't throw it away.
INT. THEATER- STAGE
(Jay lies on the table of death, Charlie lights the rope holding the plate of swords up, Charlie goes backstage to Vernon, Jay stands up unharmed)
WOMAN Oh my god somebody gonna call 911
AUDIENCE MEMBER I don't know
JAY What's the... (Jay finds Charlie covered in stab wounds)
INT. HOTEL LOBBY
SAM Jay. Thanks for dropping the charges.
DEAN You mind telling us why you did it?
JAY We have to talk.
JAY I was just a kid when we first met. All I knew was how to cheat at cards. Charlie got me out of more scrapes than I can count. Hell, I would have been dead by the age of 20 if it hadn't been for him.[ Sighs ] he was more than my friend. He was my brother.
SAM I'm sorry, Jay.
JAY Look, I should have listened to you guys when you told me that my show was killing people.
DEAN Well, you weren't the one pulling the trigger.
JAY Yeah, but someone did, and I want to find out who did this to Charlie, so I'll do whatever you guys say. Just tell me what to do.
SAM Jay, whoever's doing this...They like you. They're probably close to you. Did Charlie and Vernon get along?
JAY No. No, it's not Vernon.
DEAN He's the only one that makes sense.
SAM Charlie and Vernon were your family, Jay.
DEAN And now Charlie's gone.
JAY Yeah, but...they butted heads sometimes, but Vernon could never do something like this.
DEAN See, the thing about real magic is it's a whole lot like crack. People do surprising things once they get a taste of it.
JAY You better be damn sure about this. Vernon's all I got left.
INT. VERNON'S HOTEL ROOM
VERNON ( picks up phone) Yeah? Yeah, okay. I'll be there in two shakes. I got something to tell you anyway.
(after Vernon leaves, Sam and Dean enter Vernon's hotel room)
SAM Wow. It's like a...magic museum.
DEAN You must be in heaven. This guy doesn't travel light.
SAM He's been on the road his whole life. Probably everything he owns is in this room.
DEAN Let's get started.
VERNON Just talked to the head of the convention. Headliner gig is yours.
(Jay turns around)
VERNON What? You don't want it?
JAY A day ago, if you told me I'd be standing on this stage...No, I can't do it, Vernon.
VERNON What are you talking about?
JAY Charlie's gone.
VERNON Charlie would have wanted you to go on. This is your shot. It's our shot.
JAY Really? This is what Charlie would have wanted? Charlie's dead.
VERNON Hey, he was my friend, too, you know.
JAY It's a hell of a way to treat a friend.
VERNON Again, what are you talking about?
JAY You killed him, didn't you? And for what? So that I -- So that we could be back on top?
VERNON That's insane. (Chuckles ) no, you're scaring me.
JAY First it was Vance, then it was Jeb . Even if you thought you were doing it for me, how in god's name could you kill Charlie?
VERNON Oh, you are crazy.
JAY You used me, and you used my act to do this to him. If you think --
MAN I wouldn't be so hard on him, Jay. He didn't do it.
INT. VERNON'S HOTEL ROOM
DEAN This is just a bunch of old-Timey magic stuff --None of it magic.
SAM No herbs, no candles, and no tarot cards.
DEAN I'll be damned.
DEAN (holds up poster) Look like anyone we know?
VERNON Sweet mary and joseph.
CHARLIE It's really me, Jay.
VERNON How the hell...
CHARLIE God, you forget what it feels like to be young. It's amazing.
JAY How old are you?
CHARLIE Oh, it depends on what you mean by "old." Right now, technically, about 28, but I've been around a lot longer than that.
JAY How long?
CHARLIE Long enough to have shilled for Barnum. And he gave me something.
JAY What's that?
CHARLIE The grimoire --A book of real magic. At first, I thought it was a scam, but then I tried one of the spells, and it worked. In fact, they all worked. So when I got to the end and there was one for immortality...
VERNON My god, Charlie.
JAY And my show, the things that I can do.
CHARLIE Different spell. But it gives you a little taste of what's possible. (Charlie pulls out a deck of tarot cards) Oh, no, I wouldn't touch those, Vernon. They're --They're still radioactive.
JAY You killed Vance and Jeb Dexter.
CHARLIE What, you think this is a parlor game? You were being humiliated by those punks. A washed-up old man who couldn't even defend himself.
JAY You used me to do these terrible things.
CHARLIE I used them to give you a gift. And you wanted it, Jay. I saw it in your eyes.
JAY No, I never wanted this.
CHARLIE You were ready to kill yourself. I saved your life.
VERNON Is that right, Jay?
CHARLIE I was there for you, like I've always been. Like I'll always be. Come with me, both of you. You think the first time around was good? The second time's even better. All the know how, none of the aches and pain.
JAY No, I won't do this. I won't.
CHARLIE I've never made this offer before. But, then again, I've never had friends like the two of you before. Let me do this for you.
JAY And who else has to die so that we can live forever? What's the price tag on immortality? This isn't right, Charlie, what you're doing. You know that. Somewhere, you know that.
CHARLIE I know I don't want to come back alone, to start all over, alone.
VERNON Jay...We can be young again.
CHARLIE The three of us together -- Vital and alive...forever
DEAN Not so fast! I ain't Guttenberg, and this ain't "Cocoon." Immortality. That's a neat trick.
CHARLIE It's not a trick. It's magic. (a noose appears behind Dean, drops around his neck and lifts him. Sam shoots Charlie, Charlie catches the bullet in his teeth)
CHARLIE Hey, bullet catch --Been working on that.
DEAN Get him!
SAM Let him go -- Now!
CHARLIE Just leave me and my friends alone. All right, I will give it up --The spells, the hexes. This is the last time. I promise.
(Charlie pushes Sam onto a the sword-table. Charlie clutches his stomach, where he is now bleeding.)
CHARLIE Jay...You picked these strangers over me?
SAM You okay?
DEAN Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right.
DEAN Hey, Jay. We wanted to thank you for what you did yesterday.
JAY I killed my best friend yesterday, and you want to thank me?
SAM Where's Vernon?
JAY Oh, he's gone. He said he didn't want to speak to me again after what I did to Charlie.
DEAN Listen, Jay...you know Charlie was never gonna give up what he was doing. Ever. You did the right thing.
JAY Are you sure about that? You know, Charlie was like my brother. And now he's dead... because I did "the right thing." He offered me a gift, and I just threw it back in his face. So now I have to spend the rest of my life old and alone. What's so right about that?
BARTENDER Jay...your cards.
JAY Throw them away.
DEAN Well, I don't know about you, but...I could go for a beer.
SAM I'm gonna take a walk.
(Sam opens the door to Ruby's car)
SAM Okay.I'm in.
RUBY What changed your mind?
SAM I don't want to be doing this when I'm an old man.