4.12 Criss Angel Is a Douchebag (transcript)

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4.12 Criss Angel Is A Douchebag

Written by: Julie Siege

Directed by: Robert Singer

Air Date: 22 Jan 2009



BARTENDER Wow. You're really good.

VANCE Yeah, great. Hey, show us another.

VANCE'S ASSISTANT Finish your drink, Vance.

JAY This is a simple riffle shuffle.

BARTENDER Do a card trick for me.

VANCE Ooh, here we go --The incredible Jay.

JAY All right, young lady, would you please tell me when to stop?


JAY This is your card.Commit it to memory. Hmm?

VANCE That's incredible, Jay.

VANCE'S ASSISTANT Don't be a jerk.

JAY Right, do you see your card?

BARTENDER Um, no, I don't.

JAY No, the cards say "no."

VANCE Check his pocket.

VANCE'S ASSISTANT For god's sake, Vance.

VANCE Oh, just check --Check the damn pocket!

JAY So, if you then would remove...

VANCE (pulls the card from Jay's pocket) Is this your card?

BARTENDER Why are you so mean? Can't you just leave the old guy alone?


CHARLIE Is he wearing eyeliner?

VERNON Can't tell. I'm blinded by all the sterling silver.

JEB DEXTER The light has to find me! Get it?! It --It has to find me!

CHARLIE & VERNON What a douche bag.

JAY Would guys give it a rest? You're giving me a headache.

VERNON Oh, come on, Jay. His misdirect is shaking his ass like an 8th avenue hooker.

CHARLIE Used to be about skill.

JAY Yeah, used to be. Used to be. Listen to the you two. It's pathetic. Bitter, old men talking about the glory days. You know what? This douche bag isn't the joke. We are.

CHARLIE Hey, who you calling a joke?

JAY Me, for one. (gesturing towards Jeb, on stage) That used to be us. You know, maybe he is a douche bag, but he's playing the main stage, And we can't even afford an assistant. What the hell are we doing?

CHARLIE We're doing all right.

JAY No, we're not. We're sad, we're old...And we're dying.


JAY I'm gonna do the table of death tonight.

VERNON No. No, you're not, Jay. Don't be crazy.

CHARLIE You almost killed yourself the last time you tried it. And that was 30 years ago!

JAY Oh, who cares if it kills me? At least I'll go out with a headline.

INT. BAR WITH STAGE JAY ( onstage) Ladies and gentlemen, What you are about to see is not a trick or an illusion --Simply a display of daring and dexterity.

(Charlie straps Jay onto a table)

JAY (to volunteer) Now, young lady, if you'll please check the bindings.

(volunteer checks the straps) JAY You'll see they're very real, Very tight. Thank you. You may take your seat.

CHARLIE Damn straight they're tight. You sure you can slip them?


VANCE'S ASSISTANT Show's in an hour, Vance. Try to be on time.

(cut to show plate of swords falling down on Jay , cut back outside to show Vance with sword wounds- Jay stands up to applause, Vance falls to the ground dead.)



JEB This isn't a trick, okay? I-I-I don't do tricks. This is a demonstration about demons and angels, love and lust...

(Sam and Dean approach the crowd watching Jeb)

DEAN What a douche bag.

JEB ...all that stuff mixed up in my head.

SAM That's Jeb Dexter.

DEAN I don't even want to know how you know that.

SAM He's famous...kind of.

DEAN For what, - Douchebaggery?

JEB - ...how messed up it gets, don't touch me, okay? For your own safety. ( Jeb mimics spasming and throws some cards at the store window) Go back to hell, demon! (Jeb gestures to the one card now stuck on the other side of the store window) Is this your card?

DEAN You got to be kidding me. A fake demon possession? I can't believe people actually fall for that crap.

SAM It's not all crap.

DEAN What part of that was not a steaming pile of b.s.?

SAM Okay, that was crap, but that's not all magicians. It takes skill.

DEAN Oh, right. Right. I forgot. You were actually into this stuff, weren't you? I mean, you had -- You had, like, a deck of cards and a wand.

SAM Dude, I was 13. It was a phase.

DEAN Just -- It bugs me. Actually, it offends me. You know, playing at demons and magic, when the real thing will kill you bloody.

SAM Like a guy who drops dead of 10 stab wounds without a single tear in his shirt?

DEAN That's what I'm talking about.


DEAN So, did your boss have any enemies that you know of?

VANCE'S ASSISTANT Vance had plenty of enemies.

DEAN How so?

VANCE'S ASSISTANT He would steal from other magicians... all the time.

DEAN What would he steal?

VANCE'S ASSISTANT Stage effects, closeup techniques --Anything he could get his hands on.

DEAN Is that enough to get him killed?

VANCE'S ASSISTANT These guys take this stuff pretty seriously. (Vance's assistant searches until she finds a white fluffy bunny and picks it up) There you are.

DEAN Did you find anything weird in Vance's stuff? (Sam gives Dean a look) Well...weirder?

VANCE'S ASSISTANT Matter of fact, I did. (she pulls out a tarot card showing a man stabbed by multiple swords)

SAM I'm guessing this didn't belong to Vance.

VANCE'S ASSISTANT He hated card tricks. Never wanted them around, let alone in his precious cape.


CHARLIE You gonna tell me how you did it?

JAY Did what?

CHARLIE You know what.

JAY The great ones never give away the "how."

CHARLIE Yesterday you were sad, old, and dying. Today you're one of the great ones? Come on. This is me you're talking to.

JAY You didn't think I could do it.

CHARLIE No, Jay, I didn't. You're my friend, my best friend. I-I just didn't want to see you get hurt.

JAY Charlie, you want to see something? Look at this. ( Jay does a card trick)

CHARLIE Not bad.

JAY "Not bad"? I've been working to pull an ace out of the middle of the deck for years just one --and now I can pull three.

CHARLIE Still missing the ace of hearts.

JAY I want to do the executioner tonight.

CHARLIE Are you trying to get yourself killed?

JAY It's just a rope slip.

CHARLIE Houdini wouldn't try the executioner.

JAY Exactly. Think about it, Charlie. If I can pull this off...

CHARLIE I think you're pushing your luck.

JAY It wasn't luck.

CHARLIE It wasn't.

JAY Here, stand over there. Let's not end up like this, Charlie --a couple of old farts doing birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

CHARLIE It beats dying.

JAY Does it?

CHARLIE I would do anything for you. You know that. But I will not watch you die. I'll miss that show.

JAY No, you'll be there. You're always there for me. Check your pocket.

CHARLIE (Charlie finds the ace of hearts in his pocket) That's good, Jay. That's pretty damn good.

JAY I can do it, Charlie. I want to do it. Please.


JEB It's a lame gig. I'm in a fleabag hotel doing this man-Of-The-People crap, And freakin' Angel's in Vegas doing cirque du soleil! That should have been mine. All right, boys, get it in gear. I don't got all day.

DEAN You Vernon Haskell?

VERNON Who's asking?

DEAN Federal agent Ulrich. Looking into the death of Patrick Vance.

JEB I'm Jeb Dexter. This is devil twist. We're chilling at the international magicians convention, which is a dope chance to tip my hat to the wicked cats who came before me. Smokin'-hot effect last night, Jim.

JAY Jay. My name is Jay.

JEB Yeah, whatever. We can loop it later.

VERNON What a douche bag.

DEAN Couldn't agree more. Is, uh...(Dean pulls out the tarot card ) this familiar to you?

VERNON Should it be?

DEAN Well, I heard that you used tarot cards in your act.

VERNON My act? That was a long time ago. I haven't touched a deck in years, you know...

DEAN Do know someone that might use them now?

VERNON Well, there was a guy down on Bleecker Street.

CHARLIE Oh, yeah. He -- He peddles that kind of specialty stuff.

DEAN Did he have a problem with Vance?

VERNON Matter of fact, Vance crossed him about a year ago. Probably cost him 50 grand in royalties.

DEAN You know the exact address?

VERNON 426 Bleecker.

CHARLIE Ask for chief.

DEAN Chief. Thank you.

EXT. DARK ALLEY (Dean knocks on a door)

DEAN (to the man who opens the door) I'm, uh, here to see chief.


MAN Stay here. Don't touch anything.

( a door opens and Chief appears, wearing leather and holding a whip) CHIEF You are really gonna get it tonight, big boy.

DEAN There's been a misunderstanding. I, uh, think I've been had.

CHIEF Oh, you ain't been had...till you been had by the chief. Oh, and before we get started...what's your safe word?

INT. HOTEL ROOM (Sam is at the desk with his laptop. He hears someone at the door and goes to answer it)

SAM What are you doing here, Ruby?

RUBY I should be asking you the same thing.

SAM I'm working a job.

RUBY The whole world's about to be engulfed in hellfire, and you're in magictown, u.S.A.

SAM You got something against magic?

RUBY That would almost be funny if 34 seals hadn't been broken already. 34, Sam. That's over halfway. The angels are losing this war. Every day is one day closer, and if someone doesn't do something soon --

SAM And that someone is me?

RUBY Who else would it be?

SAM I don't know where these seals are. I don't know squat. So why don't you tell me where you'd like me to start?

RUBY Well, you can quit dicking around, for one.Bigger fish, Sam. And if the seals are being broken, you might want to go after the one doing the breaking.

SAM Lilith?

RUBY Cut the head off the snake. You're the only one who can stop her, Sam. So step up and kill the little bitch.

SAM Oh, I'm game, believe me. It's not the psychic thing I got a problem with.

RUBY Yeah, I know what you got a problem with, but tough. It's the only way.


RUBY You know, this would all be so much easier if you'd just admit to yourself that you like it. That feeling that it gives you.

SAM You don't know what you're talking about.

RUBY Oh, I don't, huh? Fine. It's simple -- Lucifer rises, the apocalypse starts. You think that you have demons on your hands now? People are gonna die, Sam. Oceans of people. So, you just let me know when you're ready.


DEAN Find anything interesting?

SAM What? Uh...no. You?

DEAN Nothing I want to talk about or think about ever again.

VERNON He's crazy, and you know it.

CHARLIE He says he can do it.

VERNON Did you even try to talk him out of it?

CHARLIE Till I was blue in the face. But I tell you, Vernon, there was...there was something in his eyes.

VERNON "In his eyes." You're both nuts.

DEAN The chief, huh?

CHARLIE What's the matter? The chief not your type?

DEAN You know, I could have you both arrested for obstruction of justice.

VERNON How? You're no fed.

CHARLIE We con people for a living, son. Takes more than a fake badge to get past us.

DEAN You got us. Yeah, we -- We are actually...aspiring magicians.

SAM Yeah, we -- We came to the convention 'cause we thought we could learn something.

DEAN Yeah, get some ideas for our new show.

VERNON Ooh, what kind of show?

DEAN Well, it's-- It's a --

SAM It's a brother act.

DEAN Yeah. Yeah, you know, with the rings and doves and...rings.

CHARLIE You want to learn something? Stick around.

JAY Ladies and gentlemen, what you're about to witness is a feat so daring, So dangerous, even the great Houdini dared not attempt it. I give to you...The executioner!

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (Jeb is posing in front of a mirror)


JAY Now, sir, as you can see, this jacket is the real article. Thank you, sir. You may take your seat. Now, I will have one minute -- 60 seconds --To escape certain death. Let's see if I can do it. ( the curtain falls and Jay's silhouette is seen struggling to get out of the straightjacket)

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (as Jeb poses a noose moved by itself and positions itself behind him)

INT. CLUB (Jay can be seen still maneuvering out of the straightjacket)

DEAN I don't think he's gonna make it.

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (the noose drops around Jeb's neck and pulls him up, hanging him)

INT. CLUB (Jay pushes aside the curtain, unharmed)

DEAN Oh! That was amazing! That was freakin' amazing!

SAM That was...not humanly possible.

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (Jeb hangs from the noose tied to the ceiling fan , dead)



SAM Looks like this guy Jay was a pretty big deal in the '70s.

DEAN Which in magician land means what, exactly?

SAM Big enough to play radio city music hall.

DEAN What got him stuck in their "where are they now?" File?

SAM He got old.

DEAN Okay, so maybe incredible Jay is using real magic to stage a comeback.

SAM It's possible. Some kind of spell that works a death transference.

DEAN How does the tarot card mix into it?

SAM I don't know.

DEAN Man...hope I die before I get old. Whole thing seems brutal, don't it?

SAM You think we will?

DEAN What?

SAM Die before we get old.

DEAN Haven't we both already?

SAM You know what I mean, Dean. I mean, do you think we'll still be chasing demons when we're 60?

DEAN No, I think we'll be dead...for good. What? You want to end up like -- Like travis? Huh?Or Gordon, maybe?

SAM There's Bobby.

DEAN Oh, yeah, there's a poster child for growing old gracefully.

SAM Maybe we'll be different, Dean.

DEAN What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life.

SAM What if we could win?

DEAN "Win"?

SAM If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it.

DEAN Is there something going on you're not telling me?


DEAN Sammy.

SAM No. Look, I'm just saying...I just wish there was a way we could...go after the source. That's all. Cut the head off the snake.

DEAN Well, the problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads. Evil bitches just keep piling out of the Volkswagen.

SAM Yeah. Guess you're right.

DEAN Why don't you go see if you can track down Jay? I'll see what I can dig up on this tarot card.


SAM Hey.

DEAN Maid found Jeb hanging from the ceiling fan. Police think it was a suicide. (Dean pulls out another tarot card, this time of the hanged man) I beg to differ. Pulled a little sleight of hand myself.

SAM On Dexter's body?

DEAN Yeah, so I'm thinking if this spell is a death transference, then these cards work like black-Magic targets.

SAM Any connection between the victims?

DEAN Jeb was a total douche bag to Jay yesterday.

SAM What about the first vic? Uh, Vance?

DEAN Asked around. Apparently, Vance was heckling Jay at the bar the day he was killed.

SAM Okay, so Jay sneaks a card into Vance's pocket, does the table of death...

DEAN And Vance takes 10 swords to the chest.

SAM Then Jay slips a noose and Jeb doesn't. Hell of a trick.

DEAN Yeah, I think it's time we had a little chat with Jay. Any luck tailing him?

SAM He slipped me.

DEAN He's a 60-Year-Old.

SAM He's a magician.

(Sam & Dean follow Jay to his hotel room)

DEAN Up against the wall!

JAY God, who are you? What do you want?


SAM We know what you've been up to.

DEAN You been working some real bad mojo to jump-Start your act.

JAY What? I don't know what you're talking about.

SAM Look, we know you put a spell on those tarot cards.

DEAN Messing with real magic?

JAY "Real magic"? Come on, there's no such thing as real magic.

DEAN Oh, is that so?

JAY Yeah, believe me. I've been around this stuff my whole life. It's all just --It's -- It's illusions. It's tricks. It -- It's all fake.

DEAN Jeb Dexter strung up --was that just an illusion?

JAY What? Something happened to Jeb?

SAM He was found hanged in his room. Right after you slipped the noose last night.

JAY I don't know what you're talking about. Please...Just let me go.

DEAN Something's not right.

SAM Usually they're whipping some badass hoodoo at us by now.

(Sam & Dean have tied Jay to a chair)

DEAN What do you want to do?

SAM All right, so, if it's not him, who is it?

DEAN Even if Jay's not working the magic, he's still getting the reward. His shows are selling out.

SAM All right. So, then, whoever it is, they're obviously in Jay's corner.

DEAN All right, so we got Vernon and Charlie on the list. Anyone else?

SAM Uh...We could always ask him.

(Jay has escaped from the chair and is gone)

DEAN Guess we should have seen that one coming.

SAM Come on. He couldn't have gotten that far.

(Sam & Dean leave the room, Jay peeks out of the closet)

SAM No way he could outrun us.

DEAN Maybe he vanished. I mean, he really is good.

SAM Or he found a back door.

(Jay comes up behind them as the police come into the lobby)

JAY That's them! Those are the two nut jobs that just broke into my room!



JAY They said my act is killing people. They said that I was using real magic, that I was casting spells on tarot cards.

CHARLIE "Real magic." Those guys are nuts. You're lucky to be alive.

JAY You don't think...


JAY Well, the things that I can do now -- The cards.

CHARLIE You've been working the cards your whole life.

JAY Well, what about the escapes? I haven't been able to slip a pair of cuffs in 30 years. And then there was the way that -- that patrick Vance died. And that Jeb Dexter.

CHARLIE Yeah, no great loss there.

JAY Oh, Charlie, he didn't deserve to die.

CHARLIE You had nothing to do with it.

JAY He was hanged the same night that I performed the executioner.

CHARLIE Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you actually believe those guys? That there was some kind of "real magic" involved?

JAY No. I don't know. I don't know, maybe. I shouldn't go on tonight, Charlie.

CHARLIE Are you kidding me? You have a sold-out house out there. Sold out! When was the last time that happened?

JAY The other night...When I was doing the table of death, I was, um...I was gonna kill myself. And I have no idea how I got out alive.

CHARLIE But you did. Somehow, you did. Jay...when you were in your day you were incredible. "The incredible Jay." You were the best I ever saw. And now you got it back. I don't know how, but it doesn't matter. Just to see you at the top of your game again. Hell, it makes me feel young.


CHARLIE No buts, Jay. This may be mana from heaven, I don't know, but whatever it is, you don't throw it away.


(Jay lies on the table of death, Charlie lights the rope holding the plate of swords up, Charlie goes backstage to Vernon, Jay stands up unharmed)

WOMAN Oh my god somebody gonna call 911


JAY What's the... (Jay finds Charlie covered in stab wounds)


SAM Jay. Thanks for dropping the charges.

DEAN You mind telling us why you did it?

JAY We have to talk.


JAY I was just a kid when we first met. All I knew was how to cheat at cards. Charlie got me out of more scrapes than I can count. Hell, I would have been dead by the age of 20 if it hadn't been for him.[ Sighs ] he was more than my friend. He was my brother.

SAM I'm sorry, Jay.

JAY Look, I should have listened to you guys when you told me that my show was killing people.

DEAN Well, you weren't the one pulling the trigger.

JAY Yeah, but someone did, and I want to find out who did this to Charlie, so I'll do whatever you guys say. Just tell me what to do.

SAM Jay, whoever's doing this...They like you. They're probably close to you. Did Charlie and Vernon get along?

JAY No. No, it's not Vernon.

DEAN He's the only one that makes sense.

SAM Charlie and Vernon were your family, Jay.

DEAN And now Charlie's gone.

JAY Yeah, but...they butted heads sometimes, but Vernon could never do something like this.

DEAN See, the thing about real magic is it's a whole lot like crack. People do surprising things once they get a taste of it.

JAY You better be damn sure about this. Vernon's all I got left.


VERNON ( picks up phone) Yeah? Yeah, okay. I'll be there in two shakes. I got something to tell you anyway.

(after Vernon leaves, Sam and Dean enter Vernon's hotel room)


Wow. It's like a...magic museum.

DEAN You must be in heaven. This guy doesn't travel light.

SAM He's been on the road his whole life. Probably everything he owns is in this room.

DEAN Let's get started.


VERNON Just talked to the head of the convention. Headliner gig is yours.

(Jay turns around)

VERNON What? You don't want it?

JAY A day ago, if you told me I'd be standing on this stage...No, I can't do it, Vernon.

VERNON What are you talking about?

JAY Charlie's gone.

VERNON Charlie would have wanted you to go on. This is your shot. It's our shot.

JAY Really? This is what Charlie would have wanted? Charlie's dead.

VERNON Hey, he was my friend, too, you know.

JAY It's a hell of a way to treat a friend.

VERNON Again, what are you talking about?

JAY You killed him, didn't you? And for what? So that I -- So that we could be back on top?

VERNON That's insane. (Chuckles ) no, you're scaring me.

JAY First it was Vance, then it was Jeb . Even if you thought you were doing it for me, how in god's name could you kill Charlie?

VERNON Oh, you are crazy.

JAY You used me, and you used my act to do this to him. If you think --

MAN I wouldn't be so hard on him, Jay. He didn't do it.


DEAN This is just a bunch of old-Timey magic stuff --None of it magic.

SAM No herbs, no candles, and no tarot cards.

DEAN I'll be damned.

SAM What?

DEAN (holds up poster) Look like anyone we know?


VERNON Sweet mary and joseph.

JAY Charlie.


CHARLIE It's really me, Jay.

VERNON How the hell...

CHARLIE God, you forget what it feels like to be young. It's amazing.

JAY How old are you?

CHARLIE Oh, it depends on what you mean by "old." Right now, technically, about 28, but I've been around a lot longer than that.

JAY How long?

CHARLIE Long enough to have shilled for Barnum. And he gave me something.

JAY What's that?

CHARLIE The grimoire --A book of real magic. At first, I thought it was a scam, but then I tried one of the spells, and it worked. In fact, they all worked. So when I got to the end and there was one for immortality...

VERNON My god, Charlie.

JAY And my show, the things that I can do.

CHARLIE Different spell. But it gives you a little taste of what's possible. (Charlie pulls out a deck of tarot cards) Oh, no, I wouldn't touch those, Vernon. They're --They're still radioactive.

JAY You killed Vance and Jeb Dexter.

CHARLIE What, you think this is a parlor game? You were being humiliated by those punks. A washed-up old man who couldn't even defend himself.

JAY You used me to do these terrible things.

CHARLIE I used them to give you a gift. And you wanted it, Jay. I saw it in your eyes.

JAY No, I never wanted this.

CHARLIE You were ready to kill yourself. I saved your life.

VERNON Is that right, Jay?

CHARLIE I was there for you, like I've always been. Like I'll always be. Come with me, both of you. You think the first time around was good? The second time's even better. All the know how, none of the aches and pain.

JAY No, I won't do this. I won't.

CHARLIE I've never made this offer before. But, then again, I've never had friends like the two of you before. Let me do this for you.

JAY And who else has to die so that we can live forever? What's the price tag on immortality? This isn't right, Charlie, what you're doing. You know that. Somewhere, you know that.

CHARLIE I know I don't want to come back alone, to start all over, alone.

VERNON Jay...We can be young again.

CHARLIE The three of us together -- Vital and alive...forever

DEAN Not so fast! I ain't Guttenberg, and this ain't "Cocoon." Immortality. That's a neat trick.

CHARLIE It's not a trick. It's magic. (a noose appears behind Dean, drops around his neck and lifts him. Sam shoots Charlie, Charlie catches the bullet in his teeth)

CHARLIE Hey, bullet catch --Been working on that.

DEAN Get him!

SAM Let him go -- Now!

CHARLIE Just leave me and my friends alone. All right, I will give it up --The spells, the hexes. This is the last time. I promise.

(Charlie pushes Sam onto a the sword-table. Charlie clutches his stomach, where he is now bleeding.)

CHARLIE Jay...You picked these strangers over me?

SAM You okay?

DEAN Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right.



DEAN Hey, Jay. We wanted to thank you for what you did yesterday.

JAY I killed my best friend yesterday, and you want to thank me?

SAM Where's Vernon?

JAY Oh, he's gone. He said he didn't want to speak to me again after what I did to Charlie.

DEAN Listen, Jay...you know Charlie was never gonna give up what he was doing. Ever. You did the right thing.

JAY Are you sure about that? You know, Charlie was like my brother. And now he's dead... because I did "the right thing." He offered me a gift, and I just threw it back in his face. So now I have to spend the rest of my life old and alone. What's so right about that?

BARTENDER Jay...your cards.

JAY Throw them away.

DEAN Well, I don't know about you, but...I could go for a beer.

SAM I'm gonna take a walk.


(Sam opens the door to Ruby's car)

SAM Okay.I'm in.

RUBY What changed your mind?

SAM I don't want to be doing this when I'm an old man.