4.12 Criss Angel Is a Douchebag (transcript)

SUPERNATURAL

4.12 Criss Angel Is A Douchebag

Written by: Julie Siege

Directed by: Robert Singer

Air Date: 22 Jan 2009

THEN

From 4.04 Metamorphosis, a DEMON speaks to SAM, RUBY watching.

DEMON
Tell me about those months without your brother.

From 4.09 I Know What You Did Last Summer, RUBY kisses SAM, and they get naked.

DEMON (voiceover from 4.04 Metamorphosis)
About all the things you and this demon bitch do in the dark.

From 4.04 Metamorphosis, SAM yanks the DEMON out of the host.

DEAN (voiceover from 4.04 Metamorphosis)
Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human?

From 4.09 I Know What You Did Last Summer, DEAN talks to SAM.

DEAN
Why do you trust her so much?

SAM
She saved my life.

From 4.09 I Know What You Did Last Summer, SAM tries to exorcise ALASTAIR and fails.

ALASTAIR
You don't have the juice to take me on, Sam.

ALASTAIR flings SAM down the stairs.

From 4.10 Heaven And Hell, RUBY talks to SAM.

RUBY
Your abilities—you're getting flabby.

SAM
Yeah, so how do I tone up?

RUBY
You know what you got to do.

SAM
No, I'm not doing that anymore.

RUBY
Sam...

SAM
I said no.

NOW

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

A MAGICIAN demonstrates turning a heart-shaped balloon into a dove, to applause from the crowd. A sign on a nearby streetlight reads IOWA Celebrates MAGIC WEEK WELCOME the International Association of Magicians SIOUX CITY.

BAR

INT. BAR – NIGHT

A MAGICIAN practices a card-handling move. Another MAGICIAN, an OLD MAN, JAY, demonstrates a one-handed cut to the BARTENDER.

JAY
Charlier cut.

BARTENDER
Wow. You're really good.

Another MAGICIAN, a YOUNGER MAN, VANCE, and his ASSISTANT are sitting nearby.

VANCE
Yeah, great. Hey, show us another.

ASSISTANT
Finish your drink, Vance.

JAY
This is a simple riffle shuffle.

JAY shuffles the deck and fumbles some of the cards. VANCE laughs.

BARTENDER
Do a card trick for me.

VANCE Ooh, here we go, The Incredible Jay.

JAY
All right, young lady, would you please tell me when to stop?

JAY riffles the edge of the cards, stopping when:

BARTENDER
Stop.

JAY holds up part of the deck, showing the card he was stopped on. He hasn't seen the card himself: it's the three of spades.

JAY
This is your card. Commit it to memory, hm?

JAY puts the deck back together, the three of spades apparently somewhere in the middle.

VANCE
That's incredible, Jay.

ASSISTANT
Don't be a jerk.

JAY
Right, now...

JAY spreads the cards out face-down, then uses the four of diamonds to flip them all face-up.

JAY
Do you see your card?

BARTENDER
Um...no, I don't.

JAY plays with the cards, making the BARTENDER laugh.

JAY
No, the cards say no.

VANCE stage-whispers.

VANCE
Check his pocket.

ASSISTANT For God's sake, Vance.

VANCE gets up.

VANCE
Oh, just check—check the damn pocket!

JAY
So, if you then would remove—

VANCE comes over and clears his throat. He pulls a card out of JAY's pocket and turns it over.

VANCE
This your card?

It's the three of spades.

BARTENDER
Why are you so mean? Can't you just leave the old guy alone?

JAY is taken aback.

THEATER

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

"I Am the Douchebag" by Christopher Lennertz and Steve Frangadakis plays. Another MAGICIAN, a YOUNG MAN, JEB DEXTER, is practicing a trick involving flying on wires, smoke, and flames in the palms of his hands, to a small audience.

MUSIC
You can't see me
You can't feel me
But I will make it real

Yet ANOTHER MAGICIAN, CHARLIE, an OLD MAN with a birthmark above his right eye, is one of the audience members. So is JAY and so is yet ANOTHER MAGICIAN, VERNON, an OLD MAN.

MUSIC
Testify

CHARLIE
Is he wearing eyeliner?

MUSIC Sanctify Electrify

VERNON
Can't tell. I'm blinded by all the sterling silver.

MUSIC
I am the spirit of the night

JEB
The light has to find me!

The music stops.

JEB
Get it? It, it has to find me!

HELPER
Let's take it back.

CHARLIE What a douchebag.

JAY
Would you guys give it a rest? You're giving me a headache.

VERNON
Oh, come on, Jay. His misdirect is shaking his ass like an Eighth Avenue hooker.

CHARLIE
Used to be about skill.

JAY
Yeah, used to be. Used to be. Listen to the two of you. It's pathetic. Bitter old men talking about the glory days. You know what? This douchebag isn't the joke. We are.

CHARLIE Hey, who you calling a joke?

JAY
Me, for one.

JEB's act is back on.

MUSIC
Mystify
Sanctify
Electrify

JAY That used to be us.

MUSIC I am the spirit of the night

JAY
You know, maybe he is a douchebag—

MUSIC
Mystify
Sanctify
Electrify

JAY
But he's playing the main stage and we can't even afford an assistant. What the hell are we doing?

CHARLIE
We're doing all right.

MUSIC I am the vision of night

JAY
No, we're not. We're sad, we're old, and we're dying.

CHARLIE Jay.

JAY
I'm gonna do the Table of Death tonight.

VERNON
No. No, you're not, Jay. Don't be crazy.

CHARLIE
You almost killed yourself the last time you tried it, and that was thirty years ago!

JAY
Oh, who cares if it kills me? At least I'll go out with a headline.

DINNER THEATER

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

SOMEONE in the audience is yawning. JAY is onstage in a tuxedo.

JAY
Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to see is not a trick or an illusion—simply a display of daring and dexterity.

JAY lies down on a table labeled Table of Death. CHARLIE cuffs him down.

JAY
Now, young lady, if you'll please check the bindings, you'll see they're very real. Very tight.

A YOUNG WOMAN tests each of the cuffs.

JAY
Thank you. You may take your seat.

CHARLIE
Damn straight they're tight. You sure you can slip them?

JAY smirks.

Above the table are ten swords, each with a blade stained red. CHARLIE pulls a curtain, hiding JAY and the swords from view. The lights go out. Backstage, VERNON does the sign of the cross. CHARLIE picks up a miniature blowtorch and goes over to VERNON. They communicate silently. JAY tries to slip the cuffs; they're too tight. CHARLIE lights the blowtorch, then the end of a cord attached to a rope.

EXT. HOTEL PATRICIA – NIGHT

VANCE and his ASSISTANT are leaving Pat's Pub.

ASSISTANT Show's in an hour, Vance. Try to be on time.

VANCE waves her off.

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

The cord burns with much light and smoke and sparks. A light behind the curtain shows JAY's silhouette as he struggles to get out of the cuffs.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

VANCE walks along.

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

The cord burns to the end and through the rope. The swords fall, piercing the table. JAY's silhouette is still on the table.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

VANCE stumbles, pressing his hands to his chest, and falls.

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

The lights are back on. CHARLIE tugs one curtain aside, JAY the other. JAY takes a bow. A standing ovation. JAY accepts the applause, looking confused.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

VANCE is lying on the ground. Blood soaks his white shirt from several places under the shirt.

ACT ONE

STREET

EXT. STREET – DAY

JEB DEXTER is doing card tricks for an audience.

JEB
This, this isn't a trick, okay? I, I, I don't do tricks. This is a demonstration—

"CRISS ANGEL IS A DOUCHEBAG"

JEB
—about demons and angels—

DEAN and SAM, wearing suits, approach JEB.

Starring
JARED PADALECKI

JEB
—love and lust—

DEAN
What a douchebag.

JENSEN ACKLES

There are a CAMERAPERSON and a MICROPHONE PERSON in the audience.

JEB
—all that stuff mixed up in my head.

SAM
That's Jeb Dexter.

Guest Starring
BARRY BOSTWICK

DEAN
I don't even want to know how you know that.

LUKE CAMILLIERI

SAM
He's famous, kind of.

JEB
—but whatever happens, no matter how—

DEAN
For what? Douchebaggery?

GENEVIEVE CORTESE

JEB
—messed up it gets, don't touch me, okay?

RICHARD LIBERTINI

JEB
For your own safety.

JEB inhales.

JOHN RUBINSTEIN

MICHAEL RUBINSTEIN

JEB exhales, shaking his head, then imitates something like a seizure. With one hand he grabs for the cards in his other hand and scatters them, flinging them in the direction of the window behind him.

JEB
Go back to hell, demon!

The card that sticks to the window is the ace of diamonds. JEB drags his hand over the card to show that it's on the far side of the glass.

JEB Is this your card?

Applause.

DEAN
You've got to be kidding me. A fake demon possession?

Co-Producers
JERRY WANEK
SERGE LADOUCEUR

DEAN heads away and SAM follows.

Producer
TODD ARONAUER

DEAN I can't believe people actually fall for that crap.

SAM
It's not all crap.

DEAN
What part of that was not—

Supervising Producer
SERA GAMBLE

DEAN
—a steaming pile of BS?

SAM
Okay, that was crap, but that's not all magicians.

Co-Executive Producer
PETER JOHNSON

SAM
It takes skill.

Co-Executive Producer
BEN EDLUND

DEAN
Oh, right, right, I forgot. You were actually into this stuff, weren't you?

Co-Executive Producer
PHIL SGRICCIA

DEAN I mean, you had, you had, like a deck of cards and a wand.

SAM Dude, I was thirteen. It was a phase.

Executive Producer
McG

DEAN
Just—it bugs me. You know, playing at demons and, and magic, when the real thing will kill you bloody.

Executive Producer
KIM MANNERS

SAM
Like a guy who drops dead of ten stab wounds—

Produced by
VLADIMIR STEFOFF

SAM
—without a single tear in his shirt?

DEAN
That's what I'm talking about.

Created by
ERIC KRIPKE

VANCE'S HOTEL ROOM

INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY

VANCE'S ASSISTANT tosses a bunch of metal rings into a mostly-packed trunk. She turns to face SAM and DEAN.

Written by
JULIE SIEGE

DEAN
So did your boss have any enemies that you know of?

ASSISTANT
Vance had plenty of enemies.

She leans down and grabs the end of a series of tied-together handkerchiefs.

SAM How so?

Directed by
ROBERT SINGER

ASSISTANT
He would steal from other magicians. All the time.

SAM
What would he steal?

ASSISTANT
Stage effects, closeup techniques, anything he could get his hands on.

DEAN
Is that enough to get him killed?

ASSISTANT
These guys take this stuff pretty seriously.

She moves a cloth off a white rabbit.

ASSISTANT
There you are.

She bends down to pick up and pet the rabbit.

DEAN
Did you find anything weird in Vance's stuff? Well, weirder?

ASSISTANT
Matter of fact, I did.

She puts the bunny in a bag and pulls out a Rider-Waite tarot card: the Ten of Swords. The image on the card is of ten swords sticking out of a man's back.

SAM I'm guessing this didn't belong to Vance.

ASSISTANT
He hated card tricks. Never wanted them around. Let alone in his precious cape.

She hands over the card. SAM looks at both sides of it: it looks like a perfectly ordinary tarot card.

JAY'S HOTEL ROOM

INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY

JAY is practicing card tricks when SOMEONE knocks on the door. He grins and goes over to open the door, then waves him in: it's CHARLIE.

CHARLIE
You gonna tell me how you did it?

JAY
Did what?

CHARLIE
You know what.

JAY
The great ones never give away the how.

CHARLIE
Yesterday you were sad, old, and dying. Today you're one of the great ones? Come on. This is me you're talking to.

JAY
You didn't think I could do it.

CHARLIE
No, Jay, I didn't. You're my friend, my best friend. I just didn't want to see you get hurt.

JAY goes back to playing with the cards.

JAY
Charlie, you want to see something? Look at this.

JAY cuts the deck several times and extracts three cards from it, all three aces.

CHARLIE
Not bad.

JAY
'Not bad'? I've been working to pull an ace out of the middle of the deck for years, just one, and now I can pull three.

CHARLIE
Still missing the ace of hearts.

JAY
I want to do the Executioner tonight.

CHARLIE Are you trying to get yourself killed?

JAY It's just a rope slip.

CHARLIE
Houdini wouldn't try the Executioner.

JAY
Exactly. Think about it, Charlie. If I can pull this off...

CHARLIE
I think you're pushing your luck.

JAY
It wasn't luck. It wasn't. Here, stand over there.

JAY moves CHARLIE to where he wants him.

JAY Let's not end up like this, Charlie, a couple old farts doing birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

CHARLIE Beats dying.

JAY
Does it?

CHARLIE
I would do anything for you. You know that. But I will not watch you die. I'll miss that show.

JAY
No, you'll be there. You're always there for me. Check your pocket.

CHARLIE checks his coat pocket, then his shirt pocket; the ace of hearts is there. CHARLIE laughs.

CHARLIE That's good, Jay. That's pretty damn good.

JAY
I can do it, Charlie. I want to do it.

CHARLIE nods. JAY laughs.

THEATER

INT. THEATER – DAY

There's a sign up that reads The Incredible Jay over the Table of Death. JEB DEXTER is on the phone nearby.

JEB
It's a lame gig. I'm in a fleabag hotel doing this man-of-the-people crap, and freaking Angel's in Vegas doing Cirque du Soleil! That should have been mine.

JEB sits down at a table. CHARLIE and VERNON are at an adjacent table. DEAN approaches them.

JEB All right, boys, get it in gear, I don't got all day.

JEB's CAMERAPERSON and MICROPHONE PERSON start moving. DEAN crouches behind VERNON.

DEAN You Vernon Haskell?

VERNON
Who's asking?
DEAN Federal agent. Ulrich.

DEAN shows him an FBI ID.

DEAN
Looking into the death of Patrick Vance.

JEB talks into the camera. He's sitting across from JAY.

JEB
I'm Jeb Dexter. This is Devil Twist. We're chilling at the International Magicians' Convention, which is a dope chance to tip my hat to the wicked cats who came before me. Smoking hot effect last night, Jim.

JAY
Jay.

JEB Huh?

JAY
My name is Jay.

JEB Yeah, whatever. We can loop it later.

VERNON
What a douchebag.

DEAN
Couldn't agree more. Is, uh—

DEAN pulls out the Ten of Swords.

DEAN
This familiar to you?

VERNON
Should it be?

DEAN Well, I heard that you used tarot cards in your act.

VERNON
My act?

VERNON laughs.

VERNON
That was a long time ago. I haven't touched a deck in years, you know...

VERNON holds up a shaking hand.

DEAN
Do you know someone that might use them now?

VERNON
Well, there was a guy down on Bleeker Street.

CHARLIE
Oh, yeah. He, he peddles that kind of specialty stuff.

DEAN
Did he have a problem with Vance?

VERNON
Matter of fact, Vance crossed him about a year ago. Probably cost him fifty grand in royalties.

CHARLIE nods.

DEAN
You know the exact address?

VERNON
Four twenty-six Bleeker.

CHARLIE
Ask for Chief.

DEAN Chief. Thank you.

BLEEKER ST.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

DEAN walks along the street till he comes to a neon sign saying 426. DEAN knocks on the bars on the door. The chain-link door swings open, revealing a YOUNG MAN who eyes DEAN.

DEAN
I'm, uh, here to see Chief.

The YOUNG MAN raises his eyebrows and opens the barred door.

INT. BUILDING – NIGHT

DEAN follows the YOUNG MAN downstairs.

YOUNG MAN
Stay here. Don't touch anything.

The YOUNG MAN leaves. DEAN looks around. There's graffiti on the walls and the bass line of music is audible. A door opens and DEAN turns to face it: a LARGE MAN, CHIEF, climbs the stairs, backlit, and the music is more clearly heard. CHIEF is wearing all leather and carrying a flogger, which he slaps into his other hand a couple times.

CHIEF
You are really gonna get it tonight, big boy.

DEAN There's been a misunderstanding. I, uh, think I've been had.

CHIEF Oh, you ain't been had till you been had by the Chief.

DEAN frowns.

CHIEF Oh, and before we get started, what's your safeword?

DEAN swallows.

MOTEL ROOM

INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

SAM is sitting at a table working on his laptop. A knock at the door. SAM looks up, waits, then gets up and goes to peer through the peephole. He sighs and opens the door. It's RUBY, arms folded.

SAM What are you doing here, Ruby?

RUBY
I should be asking you the same thing.

RUBY comes in.

SAM
I'm working a job.

RUBY
The whole world's about to be engulfed in hellfire, and you're in Magictown, USA.

SAM laughs.

SAM
You got something against magic?

RUBY That would almost be funny if thirty-four seals hadn't been broken already. Thirty-four, Sam. That's over halfway. The angels are losing this war. Every day is one day closer, and if someone doesn't do something soon—

SAM
And that someone is me?

RUBY Who else would it be?

SAM I don't know where these seals are. I don't know squat. So why don't you tell me where you'd like me to start?

RUBY
Well, you can quit dicking around here, for one. Bigger fish, Sam. And if the seals are being broken, you might want to go after the one doing the breaking.

SAM
Lilith?

RUBY
Cut the head off the snake. You're the only one who can stop her, Sam. So step up and kill the little bitch.

SAM
Oh, I'm game, believe me. It's not the psychic thing I got a problem with.

RUBY
Yeah, I know what you got a problem with, but tough. It's the only way.

SAM
No.

RUBY You know, this would all be so much easier if you'd just admit to yourself that you like it. That feeling that it gives you.

SAM
You don't know what you're talking about.

RUBY
Oh I don't, huh? Fine.

RUBY goes to leave.

RUBY
It's simple. Lucifer rises, the apocalypse starts. You think that you have demons on your hands now? People are gonna die, Sam. Oceans of people. So you just let me know when you're ready.

RUBY leaves.

THEATER

INT. THEATER – NIGHT

SAM stands near an entrance. DEAN comes up behind him.

DEAN
Find anything interesting?

SAM
What? Uh, no. You?

DEAN
Nothing I want to talk about, or think about, ever again.

VERNON and CHARLIE stand together.

VERNON
He's crazy, and you know it.

CHARLIE He says he can do it.

VERNON
Did you even try to talk him out of it?

CHARLIE
Till I was blue in the face. But I tell you, Vernon, there was...there was something in his eyes.

VERNON
'In his eyes'? You're both nuts.

DEAN and SAM approach.

DEAN
The Chief, huh?

CHARLIE
What's the matter? Chief not your type?

CHARLIE smirks. DEAN smirks back.

DEAN
You know, I could have you both arrested for obstruction of justice.

VERNON
How? You're no Fed.

CHARLIE
We con people for a living, son. Takes more than a fake badge to get past us.

DEAN laughs. So does SAM.

DEAN
You got us. Yeah, we—we are actually—aspiring magicians.

SAM Yeah, we -- We came to the convention 'cause we thought we could learn something.

DEAN Yeah, get some ideas for our new show.

VERNON Ooh, what kind of show?

DEAN Well, it's-- It's a --

SAM It's a brother act.

DEAN Yeah. Yeah, you know, with the rings and doves and...rings.

CHARLIE You want to learn something? Stick around.

JAY Ladies and gentlemen, what you're about to witness is a feat so daring, So dangerous, even the great Houdini dared not attempt it. I give to you...The executioner!

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (Jeb is posing in front of a mirror)

INT. CLUB

JAY Now, sir, as you can see, this jacket is the real article. Thank you, sir. You may take your seat. Now, I will have one minute -- 60 seconds --To escape certain death. Let's see if I can do it. ( the curtain falls and Jay's silhouette is seen struggling to get out of the straightjacket)

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (as Jeb poses a noose moved by itself and positions itself behind him)

INT. CLUB (Jay can be seen still maneuvering out of the straightjacket)

DEAN I don't think he's gonna make it.

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (the noose drops around Jeb's neck and pulls him up, hanging him)

INT. CLUB (Jay pushes aside the curtain, unharmed)

DEAN Oh! That was amazing! That was freakin' amazing!

SAM That was...not humanly possible.

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (Jeb hangs from the noose tied to the ceiling fan , dead)

ACT 2

INT. HOTEL ROOM

SAM Looks like this guy Jay was a pretty big deal in the '70s.

DEAN Which in magician land means what, exactly?

SAM Big enough to play radio city music hall.

DEAN What got him stuck in their "where are they now?" File?

SAM He got old.

DEAN Okay, so maybe incredible Jay is using real magic to stage a comeback.

SAM It's possible. Some kind of spell that works a death transference.

DEAN How does the tarot card mix into it?

SAM I don't know.

DEAN Man...hope I die before I get old. Whole thing seems brutal, don't it?

SAM You think we will?

DEAN What?

SAM Die before we get old.

DEAN Haven't we both already?

SAM You know what I mean, Dean. I mean, do you think we'll still be chasing demons when we're 60?

DEAN No, I think we'll be dead...for good. What? You want to end up like -- Like travis? Huh?Or Gordon, maybe?

SAM There's Bobby.

DEAN Oh, yeah, there's a poster child for growing old gracefully.

SAM Maybe we'll be different, Dean.

DEAN What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life.

SAM What if we could win?

DEAN "Win"?

SAM If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it.

DEAN Is there something going on you're not telling me?

SAM No.

DEAN Sammy.

SAM No. Look, I'm just saying...I just wish there was a way we could...go after the source. That's all. Cut the head off the snake.

DEAN Well, the problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads. Evil bitches just keep piling out of the Volkswagen.

SAM Yeah. Guess you're right.

DEAN Why don't you go see if you can track down Jay? I'll see what I can dig up on this tarot card.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY

SAM Hey.

DEAN Maid found Jeb hanging from the ceiling fan. Police think it was a suicide. (Dean pulls out another tarot card, this time of the hanged man) I beg to differ. Pulled a little sleight of hand myself.

SAM On Dexter's body?

DEAN Yeah, so I'm thinking if this spell is a death transference, then these cards work like black-Magic targets.

SAM Any connection between the victims?

DEAN Jeb was a total douche bag to Jay yesterday.

SAM What about the first vic? Uh, Vance?

DEAN Asked around. Apparently, Vance was heckling Jay at the bar the day he was killed.

SAM Okay, so Jay sneaks a card into Vance's pocket, does the table of death...

DEAN And Vance takes 10 swords to the chest.

SAM Then Jay slips a noose and Jeb doesn't. Hell of a trick.

DEAN Yeah, I think it's time we had a little chat with Jay. Any luck tailing him?

SAM He slipped me.

DEAN He's a 60-Year-Old.

SAM He's a magician.

(Sam & Dean follow Jay to his hotel room)

DEAN Up against the wall!

JAY God, who are you? What do you want?

DEAN Now!

SAM We know what you've been up to.

DEAN You been working some real bad mojo to jump-Start your act.

JAY What? I don't know what you're talking about.

SAM Look, we know you put a spell on those tarot cards.

DEAN Messing with real magic?

JAY "Real magic"? Come on, there's no such thing as real magic.

DEAN Oh, is that so?

JAY Yeah, believe me. I've been around this stuff my whole life. It's all just --It's -- It's illusions. It's tricks. It -- It's all fake.

DEAN Jeb Dexter strung up --was that just an illusion?

JAY What? Something happened to Jeb?

SAM He was found hanged in his room. Right after you slipped the noose last night.

JAY I don't know what you're talking about. Please...Just let me go.

DEAN Something's not right.

SAM Usually they're whipping some badass hoodoo at us by now.

(Sam & Dean have tied Jay to a chair)

DEAN What do you want to do?

SAM All right, so, if it's not him, who is it?

DEAN Even if Jay's not working the magic, he's still getting the reward. His shows are selling out.

SAM All right. So, then, whoever it is, they're obviously in Jay's corner.

DEAN All right, so we got Vernon and Charlie on the list. Anyone else?

SAM Uh...We could always ask him.

(Jay has escaped from the chair and is gone)

DEAN Guess we should have seen that one coming.

SAM Come on. He couldn't have gotten that far.

(Sam & Dean leave the room, Jay peeks out of the closet)

SAM No way he could outrun us.

DEAN Maybe he vanished. I mean, he really is good.

SAM Or he found a back door.

(Jay comes up behind them as the police come into the lobby)

JAY That's them! Those are the two nut jobs that just broke into my room!

ACT 3

INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER

JAY They said my act is killing people. They said that I was using real magic, that I was casting spells on tarot cards.

CHARLIE "Real magic." Those guys are nuts. You're lucky to be alive.

JAY You don't think...

CHARLIE What?

JAY Well, the things that I can do now -- The cards.

CHARLIE You've been working the cards your whole life.

JAY Well, what about the escapes? I haven't been able to slip a pair of cuffs in 30 years. And then there was the way that -- that patrick Vance died. And that Jeb Dexter.

CHARLIE Yeah, no great loss there.

JAY Oh, Charlie, he didn't deserve to die.

CHARLIE You had nothing to do with it.

JAY He was hanged the same night that I performed the executioner.

CHARLIE Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you actually believe those guys? That there was some kind of "real magic" involved?

JAY No. I don't know. I don't know, maybe. I shouldn't go on tonight, Charlie.

CHARLIE Are you kidding me? You have a sold-out house out there. Sold out! When was the last time that happened?

JAY The other night...When I was doing the table of death, I was, um...I was gonna kill myself. And I have no idea how I got out alive.

CHARLIE But you did. Somehow, you did. Jay...when you were in your day you were incredible. "The incredible Jay." You were the best I ever saw. And now you got it back. I don't know how, but it doesn't matter. Just to see you at the top of your game again. Hell, it makes me feel young.

JAY But

CHARLIE No buts, Jay. This may be mana from heaven, I don't know, but whatever it is, you don't throw it away.

INT. THEATER- STAGE

(Jay lies on the table of death, Charlie lights the rope holding the plate of swords up, Charlie goes backstage to Vernon, Jay stands up unharmed)

WOMAN Oh my god somebody gonna call 911

AUDIENCE MEMBER I don't know

JAY What's the... (Jay finds Charlie covered in stab wounds)

INT. HOTEL LOBBY

SAM Jay. Thanks for dropping the charges.

DEAN You mind telling us why you did it?

JAY We have to talk.

INT. BAR

JAY I was just a kid when we first met. All I knew was how to cheat at cards. Charlie got me out of more scrapes than I can count. Hell, I would have been dead by the age of 20 if it hadn't been for him.[ Sighs ] he was more than my friend. He was my brother.

SAM I'm sorry, Jay.

JAY Look, I should have listened to you guys when you told me that my show was killing people.

DEAN Well, you weren't the one pulling the trigger.

JAY Yeah, but someone did, and I want to find out who did this to Charlie, so I'll do whatever you guys say. Just tell me what to do.

SAM Jay, whoever's doing this...They like you. They're probably close to you. Did Charlie and Vernon get along?

JAY No. No, it's not Vernon.

DEAN He's the only one that makes sense.

SAM Charlie and Vernon were your family, Jay.

DEAN And now Charlie's gone.

JAY Yeah, but...they butted heads sometimes, but Vernon could never do something like this.

DEAN See, the thing about real magic is it's a whole lot like crack. People do surprising things once they get a taste of it.

JAY You better be damn sure about this. Vernon's all I got left.

INT. VERNON'S HOTEL ROOM

VERNON ( picks up phone) Yeah? Yeah, okay. I'll be there in two shakes. I got something to tell you anyway.

(after Vernon leaves, Sam and Dean enter Vernon's hotel room)

SAM Wow. It's like a...magic museum.

DEAN You must be in heaven. This guy doesn't travel light.

SAM He's been on the road his whole life. Probably everything he owns is in this room.

DEAN Let's get started.

INT. THEATER

VERNON Just talked to the head of the convention. Headliner gig is yours.

(Jay turns around)

VERNON What? You don't want it?

JAY A day ago, if you told me I'd be standing on this stage...No, I can't do it, Vernon.

VERNON What are you talking about?

JAY Charlie's gone.

VERNON Charlie would have wanted you to go on. This is your shot. It's our shot.

JAY Really? This is what Charlie would have wanted? Charlie's dead.

VERNON Hey, he was my friend, too, you know.

JAY It's a hell of a way to treat a friend.

VERNON Again, what are you talking about?

JAY You killed him, didn't you? And for what? So that I -- So that we could be back on top?

VERNON That's insane. (Chuckles ) no, you're scaring me.

JAY First it was Vance, then it was Jeb . Even if you thought you were doing it for me, how in god's name could you kill Charlie?

VERNON Oh, you are crazy.

JAY You used me, and you used my act to do this to him. If you think --

MAN I wouldn't be so hard on him, Jay. He didn't do it.

INT. VERNON'S HOTEL ROOM

DEAN This is just a bunch of old-Timey magic stuff --None of it magic.

SAM No herbs, no candles, and no tarot cards.

DEAN I'll be damned.

SAM What?

DEAN (holds up poster) Look like anyone we know?

INT. THEATER

VERNON Sweet mary and joseph.

JAY Charlie.

ACT 4

CHARLIE It's really me, Jay.

VERNON How the hell...

CHARLIE God, you forget what it feels like to be young. It's amazing.

JAY How old are you?

CHARLIE Oh, it depends on what you mean by "old." Right now, technically, about 28, but I've been around a lot longer than that.

JAY How long?

CHARLIE Long enough to have shilled for Barnum. And he gave me something.

JAY What's that?

CHARLIE The grimoire --A book of real magic. At first, I thought it was a scam, but then I tried one of the spells, and it worked. In fact, they all worked. So when I got to the end and there was one for immortality...

VERNON My god, Charlie.

JAY And my show, the things that I can do.

CHARLIE Different spell. But it gives you a little taste of what's possible. (Charlie pulls out a deck of tarot cards) Oh, no, I wouldn't touch those, Vernon. They're --They're still radioactive.

JAY You killed Vance and Jeb Dexter.

CHARLIE What, you think this is a parlor game? You were being humiliated by those punks. A washed-up old man who couldn't even defend himself.

JAY You used me to do these terrible things.

CHARLIE I used them to give you a gift. And you wanted it, Jay. I saw it in your eyes.

JAY No, I never wanted this.

CHARLIE You were ready to kill yourself. I saved your life.

VERNON Is that right, Jay?

CHARLIE I was there for you, like I've always been. Like I'll always be. Come with me, both of you. You think the first time around was good? The second time's even better. All the know how, none of the aches and pain.

JAY No, I won't do this. I won't.

CHARLIE I've never made this offer before. But, then again, I've never had friends like the two of you before. Let me do this for you.

JAY And who else has to die so that we can live forever? What's the price tag on immortality? This isn't right, Charlie, what you're doing. You know that. Somewhere, you know that.

CHARLIE I know I don't want to come back alone, to start all over, alone.

VERNON Jay...We can be young again.

CHARLIE The three of us together -- Vital and alive...forever

DEAN Not so fast! I ain't Guttenberg, and this ain't "Cocoon." Immortality. That's a neat trick.

CHARLIE It's not a trick. It's magic. (a noose appears behind Dean, drops around his neck and lifts him. Sam shoots Charlie, Charlie catches the bullet in his teeth)

CHARLIE Hey, bullet catch --Been working on that.

DEAN Get him!

SAM Let him go -- Now!

CHARLIE Just leave me and my friends alone. All right, I will give it up --The spells, the hexes. This is the last time. I promise.

(Charlie pushes Sam onto a the sword-table. Charlie clutches his stomach, where he is now bleeding.)

CHARLIE Jay...You picked these strangers over me?

SAM You okay?

DEAN Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right.

ACT 5

INT. BAR

DEAN Hey, Jay. We wanted to thank you for what you did yesterday.

JAY I killed my best friend yesterday, and you want to thank me?

SAM Where's Vernon?

JAY Oh, he's gone. He said he didn't want to speak to me again after what I did to Charlie.

DEAN Listen, Jay...you know Charlie was never gonna give up what he was doing. Ever. You did the right thing.

JAY Are you sure about that? You know, Charlie was like my brother. And now he's dead... because I did "the right thing." He offered me a gift, and I just threw it back in his face. So now I have to spend the rest of my life old and alone. What's so right about that?

BARTENDER Jay...your cards.

JAY Throw them away.

DEAN Well, I don't know about you, but...I could go for a beer.

SAM I'm gonna take a walk.

EXT. ALLEY

(Sam opens the door to Ruby's car)

SAM Okay.I'm in.

RUBY What changed your mind?

SAM I don't want to be doing this when I'm an old man.

END