2.15 Tall Tales (transcript)

SUPERNATURAL

2.15 Tall Tales

Written by: John Shiban

Directed by: Bradford May

Air Date: 15 Feb 2007

TEASER

Note: The 'THEN' segment to this episode contains clips highlighting the brothers' prank wars and general namecalling of one another. "Jerk" and "Bitch" feature prominently.

EXT. CRAWFORD HALL – NIGHT

A middle-aged man in a suit and overcoat walks towards an impressive university building. Outside, a young attractive woman in a white dress is posed seductively, fixing her shoe.

PROFESSOR
Excuse me. Are you lost?

GIRL
No. I've been waiting for you, professor.

PROFESSOR
Oh, are you in one of my classes?

GIRL
Don't you recognize me?

PROFESSOR
We-ell, they're big classes. Anyway, my office hours are Tuesday and Thursday mornings.

GIRL
Really? I was hoping I could see you now.

PROFESSOR
Um, well, since you asked so nicely. Come on.

INT. OFFICE – NIGHT

GIRL
Such a handsome photo.

PROFESSOR
Oh, that old thing. So, what can I do for you? How's the (?) paper coming?

GIRL
Um, professor, I, uh, I have a confession to make.

PROFESSOR
Oh? What's that?

GIRL
I'm not really one of your students.

PROFESSOR
Really? Then why are you here?

GIRL
(looks at him suggestively, hesitating, then turns around)
Maybe I should just go.

PROFESSOR
Wait. I get it. I understand how you're feeling, and it's only natural. You are young and wide-eyed, and I'm somewhat of a celebrity around here. (He approaches to her, caresses her cheek in a lascivious and patronizing manner.) Don't get me wrong, you're a very beautiful girl, but it would be wrong of me to take advantage of you. I just, um, I just respect you too much.

He kisses her; her face turns hideously grey and rotted; he pulls back in horror.

PROFESSOR
Oh my god.

GIRL
What? Don't you like me anymore? (He backs away knocking things over. She approaches him.) Don't you want me?

EXT. CRAWFORD HALL – NIGHT

A JANITOR locks the front door and saunters away somewhat jauntily. A body falls behind him with a heavy crunch. He turns back to see the Professor dead on the steps.

TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL

END TEASER

ACT ONE

EXT. HOTEL – DAY

Subtitle: One Week Later

INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY

Music note: In this scene, the radio is playing James Gang's "Walk Away" by Joe Walsh

SAM is sitting on the couch looking through books; he rubs his face tiredly. DEAN is sitting up on the bed behind him, listening to the radio and eating something messy (chili cheese fries?) from a disposable plate.

SAM
(annoyed)
Dude. You mind not eating those on MY bed?

DEAN
No, I don't mind.
(he eats another)
How's research going?

SAM
You know how it's going? Slow. You know how it would go a heck of a lot faster? If I had my computer.

DEAN
(nods sarcastically)
Hmm.

SAM
Can you turn that down please?

DEAN
Yeah, absolutely.
(he turns the music up louder)

SAM (loudly)
You know what? Maybe, uh, maybe you should just go somewhere for a while.

DEAN
(shuts off the radio and looks up, snappish)
Hey, I'd love to. That's a great idea. Unfortunately, my car's all screwed to hell.

SAM
Dean, I told you, I have nothing to do wi—

He's cut off by a loud knock on the door. SAM stands and goes to the door; he looks through the peephole and then back at DEAN, then opens the door. Outside is BOBBY.

SAM
Hey, Bobby.

BOBBY
(entering, hands in his pockets)
Boys.

DEAN
(standing and approaching)
Hey, Bobby.

BOBBY
It's good to see you again so soon.

SAM
Yeah, uh, thanks for coming. Come on in.

DEAN
(shaking BOBBY'S hand firmly)
Thank god you're here.

BOBBY
So um, what didn't you want to talk to me on the phone about?

SAM
It's this job we're working. We— We weren't sure you'd believe us.

BOBBY (scoffs)
Well, I can believe a lot.

SAM
Yeah, no, no, it's just, we've never seen anything like it—

DEAN
Not even close.

SAM
And we thought we could use some fresh eyes.

BOBBY
Well, why don't you begin at the beginning?

SAM
Yeah, um, all right.

SAM gestures to the bed; BOBBY picks up the empty takeout tray and peers at it, sets it aside, and sits down.

SAM
So, it all started when we caught wind of an obit. See, a professor took a nosedive from a fourth story window, only there's a campus legend that the building's haunted. So we pretexted as reporters from the local paper.

FLASHBACK 1A (SAM POV) – INT. BAR – NIGHT

SAM is sitting at a table with a stocky jock boy (CURTIS) and an attractive girl (JEN); he sets a voice recorder down on the table.

CURTIS
Yeah, we both had the professor for Ethics and Morality.

SAM
Yeah? So why do you think he did it?

JEN
Who knows? I mean, he was tenured, wife and kids. His book is like a really big deal. Then again...
(she leans in conspiratorially)
Who's to say it was suicide?

CURTIS
(scoffing)
Jen, come on.

SAM
(feigning surprise)
Well, what else could it be?

JEN
Well, you know about Crawford Hall?

SAM
No, I don't, actually.

CURTIS
It's a bunch of crap, it's a total urban legend.

JEN
Yeah well, Heather's mom went to school here, and she knew the girl?

SAM
Wait, what girl?

JEN
Thirty years ago, this girl was having an affair with some professor. He broke it off, she jumped out the window and killed herself.

SAM
You know her name?

JEN
No. But they say she jumped from room six-six-nine. Get it? You turn the nine upside down?
(SAM nods; the BOY laughs.)
So now she haunts the building. And anyone who sees her? They don't live to tell the tale.

CURTIS
Well if no one lives to tell the tale, then how does the tale get told?

JEN
Curtis! Shut up!

SAM
You know what, uh – Thanks a lot guys. Excuse me.

ELSEWHERE in the bar, close in on three shot glasses filled with dark bluish-purple liquid. Dean's hand slides into frame and takes one; he slams all three in succession. SAM approaches.

SAM
Dean. Dean, what are you drinking?

DEAN
(burps)
I don't know, man, I think they're called purple nurples?

SAM
Okay, well listen. I think maybe we should go check out the professor's office.

DEAN
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no I can't right now, I've got some feisty little wildcat on the hook, I'm about to – zzzzp – reel her in. I'll introduce you.

PAN up fishnet stockings and a tight miniskirt to reveal a sloppy drunk, heavily made up blonde girl.

SAM
Dean—

DEAN
Starla! Starla, hey. This is my shuttle co-pilot Major Tom. Major Tom, Starla.

STARLA
(draping an arm around Dean)
Enchanté.

SAM
Hi.

STARLA gags, covering her mouth, then looks up grinning.

SAM looks really skeptical and dubious.

STARLA
Sorry. Just trying to keep my liquor down!

DEAN
Yeah! Good job.
(confidentially to SAM)
Hey. Good news. She's got a sister.

He leans back into STARLA'S arm again, both of them grinning suggestively.

END FLASHBACK 1A

The scene freeze-frames as DEAN'S voice (present-day) cuts in.

INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY

DEAN
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute.

SAM
What?

DEAN
Come on, dude, that's not how it happened.

SAM
No? So you never drank a purple nurple?

DEAN
Yeah, maybe that, but I don't say things like "feisty little wildcat". And her name wasn't Starla.

SAM
Then what was it?

DEAN
I don't know.
(to BOBBY, taking up the story)
But she was a classy chick. She was a grad student, anthropology and folklore. We were talking about local ghost stories.

FLASHBACK 1B (DEAN POV) – INT. BAR – NIGHT

The feel of the scene is very different – we pan up the girl's body again, but this time she's in black heels and a sleek black cocktail dress. She and DEAN each hold a purple nurple and toast with them.

GIRL
Here's to...

DEAN
Here's to us.

GIRL
My god, you are attractive.

DEAN
Thanks. But no time for that now. You need to tell me about this urban legend. Please. Lives are at stake.

GIRL
Sorry, I just . . . can't even concentrate. It's like staring . . . into the sun.

She reaches up and pulls his head towards her for a slow kiss. SAM approaches behind them with an extremely dubious expression and his jacket slung over his shoulder.

SAM
(exaggerated prissy tone, extreme bitchface)
Dean! What do you think you're doing?

DEAN
(smooth and casual)
Sam, please. If you wouldn't mind, give me five minutes here.

SAM
Dean, this is a very serious investigation. We don't have any time for any of your blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah Blah!

DEAN leans in to kiss the GIRL again as SAM continues blabidiblahing behind him.

SAM
Blah!

END FLASHBACK 1B

The scene freeze-frames again on SAM'S face.

INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

SAM
(sarcastic)
Right! And that's how it really happened.
(DEAN shrugs)
I don't sound like that, Dean!

DEAN
That's what you sound like to me.

BOBBY
(staring at them)
Okay. What's going on with you two?

SAM
Nothing. No— it's nothing.

BOBBY
No, come on. You're bickering like an old married couple.

DEAN
(getting up and crossing to the kitchenette)
No, see married couples can get divorced. Me and him, we're like, uh, Siamese twins.

SAM
(like it's something he's said many times before)
It's conjoined twins!

DEAN
See what I mean?

SAM
Look, it, (sighs) we've just been on the road for too long. Tight quarters, all that. Don't worry about it.

BOBBY
Okay.

SAM
So anyway. We figured it might be a haunting, so we went to check out the scene of the crime.

FLASHBACK 2 (SAM POV)

INT. CRAWFORD HALL – NIGHT

The JANITOR from the teaser lets SAM and DEAN (posing as electricians) into the professor's office.

SAM
So, how long've you been working here?

JANITOR
I've been mopping this floor for six years. (Turns on a light as the three walk into the professor's office.) There you go, guys.
(seeing SAM'S EMF reader)
What the heck's that for?

SAM
Just find a wire in the walls.

JANITOR
Huh. Wow. Not sure why you're wiring up this office. Not gonna do the professor much good.

DEAN
Why's that?

JANITOR
(bluntly)
He's dead.

DEAN
Oh. What happened?

JANITOR
He went out that window. Right there.

SAM
Yeah? Were you working that night?

JANITOR
I'm the one who found him.

SAM
You see it happen?

DEAN sees a bowl of nuts on the side table and eats one.

JANITOR
Nope. I just saw him come up here, and uh ... well.

SAM
What?

JANITOR
He wasn't alone.

DEAN comes into frame, his cheeks stuffed with nuts. He's holding the bowl and continues eating them throughout the scene.

DEAN
(muffled)
Who was he with?

Freeze-frame on DEAN'S chipmunk face.

DEAN (v.o.)
Come on! I ate one, maybe two!

SAM (v.o.) Just let me tell it, okay?

Scene starts up again.

JANITOR
He was with a young lady. I told the cops about her, but uh, I guess they never found her.

SAM
You saw this girl go in, huh? But did you ever see her come out?

JANITOR
Now that you mention it, no.

SAM
You ever see her before, around?

JANITOR
Well, not her.

DEAN
(still muffled; SAM glares at him)
What do you mean?

JANITOR
I don't mean to cast aspersions on a dead guy, but uh . . . Mister Morality here? He brought a lot of girls up here. Got more ass than a toilet seat.

DEAN laughs delightedly; SAM glares, JANITOR grins.

SAM
One more thing. This building, it only has four stories, right?

JANITOR
Yeah.

SAM
So there wouldn't be a room six-six-nine?

JANITOR
'Course not. Why do you ask?

SAM
Aw, just curious. Thanks.

DEAN chews with his mouth open, stuffed full of nuts.

INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

Still part of the FLASHBACK – They return to the hotel and SAM sits at the table; DEAN gets a beer out of the fridge for each of them.

SAM
Well, no traces of EMF, that's for sure.

DEAN
And the room six-six-nine's a load of crap.

SAM
So what do you think? The professor's just a jumper? A legend's just a legend?

DEAN
I don't know. I mean, the uh, girl the janitor described, that's pretty weird.

SAM
Yeah.

DEAN
We oughta check out the history of the building. See if any co-ed ganked herself there.

SAM
Yeah, you're right.
(he opens up his laptop, then stares at the screen, confused.)
Dude. Were you on my computer?

DEAN comes back out of the bathroom, confused.

DEAN
No.

SAM
Oh really? 'Cause it's frozen now. On uh, Bustyasianbeauties.com.
(DEAN thinks for a moment, frowns, winces, and retreats)
Dean! Would you – just – don't touch my stuff anymore, okay?

DEAN
Why don't you control your O.C.D.?

END FLASHBACK 2

INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY

BOBBY
But did you dig up anything about the building? Or on the suicidal co-ed?

SAM
No. History's clean.

BOBBY
Then it's not a haunting.

DEAN
Maybe not. Tell you the truth, we're not really sure.

BOBBY
What do you mean, you're not sure?

SAM
Well ... it's weird.

BOBBY
What's weird?

DEAN
This next part, we uh, we didn't see it happen ourselves exactly, but it's pretty friggin weird. Even for us.

FLASHBACK 3 (DEAN POV)

EXT. CRAWFORD HALL – NIGHT

CURTIS walks alone through the campus. He hears a noise and turns, startled, then keeps walking, laughing at himself. He hears another noise and stops, looking straight up. He walks more carefully, hands in pockets. Suddenly a bright light whooshes on overhead and he cringes, arms over his head. He starts running, but trips and falls; a bright beam of light shoots down and grabs him like a tractor beam, pulling him up. He screams and flails.

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

INT. HOTEL – DAY

BOBBY
Aliens?

DEAN
Yeah.

BOBBY
Aliens?

DEAN
Yeah.

BOBBY
Look, even if they are real, they're sure as hell not coming to earth and swiping people.

DEAN
Hey, believe me. We know.

BOBBY
My whole life i've never found evidence of an honest-to-God abduction. It's all just cranks and pranks.

SAM
Yeah, that's what we thought. But...we figured we'd at least talk to the guy.

FLASHBACK 4 (UNCLEAR POV)

INT. BAR – NIGHT

DEAN is seated next to CURTIS, who has three full shot glasses lined up in front of him. SAM is standing nearby. CURTIS takes a shot.

DEAN
Hey, you ought to give those purple nurples a shot.

SAM
So, what happened, Curtis?

CURTIS
You won't believe me. Nobody does.

SAM
Give us a chance.

CURTIS
I do not want this in the papers.

DEAN
Off the record, then.

CURTIS
I, uh... I blacked out, and...I lost time, and when I woke up, I don't know where I was.

INT – MYSTERIOUS PLACE

We see CURTIS lying on a medical table, bright lights in his eyes. A blurry alien face appears above him.

SAM
[sitting]
Then what?

CURTIS
[flashing back and forth between the memory and the present]
They did tests on me. And, uh...
[takes another shot]
They, uh... They probed me.

[SAM turns his face away, struggling not to laugh]

DEAN
They probed you?

CURTIS
Yeah, they probed me. Again and a— Again and – And again.
[takes another shot]
And again and again and again... And then one more time.

DEAN
Yikes.

CURTIS
And that's not even the worst of it.

DEAN
How could it get any worse? Some alien made you his bitch.
[he's smirking. CURTIS glares, DEAN stops smirking]

CURTIS
They... They made me... Slow dance!

INT – MYSTERIOUS PLACE

Close on a rotating disco ball, pan down to a dance floor where CURTIS is slow dancing with a short alien figure.

INT – BAR

Cut back to DEAN and SAM's reaction to this. Freeze frame, BOBBY's voice cuts in.

BOBBY
You guys are exaggerating again, huh?

END FLASHBACK
INT. HOTEL – PRESENT

SAM
No no.

BOBBY
Then this frat boy's just nuts.

DEAN
We're not so sure.

FLASHBACK 5 (UNCLEAR POV)

EXT. CAMPUS – DAY

SAM and DEAN are standing over a large, perfectly round scorch mark in the ground.

SAM
I'm telling you, Dean, This was made by some kind of jet engine.

DEAN
You mean some saucer-shaped jet engine?

SAM
What else could it be?

DEAN
What the hell?

SAM
I don't know.

DEAN
Seriously, dude – What the hell?

SAM
I don't know.

301
00:18:50,800 – > 00:18:52,600
I mean, first the haunting. Now this? The timing alone – There's got to be some kind of connection.

DEAN
You mean between the angry spirit and the sexed-Up E.T.? What could the connection possibly be?

FLASHBACK FREEZES

DEAN (V.O.)
But what could we do? So we just kept on digging.

FLASHBACK RESUMES (DEAN POV)

They are talking with another college student

SAM
So, you and this guy, Curtis – You were in the same house?

STUDENT
Yeah.

DEAN
You heard what happened to him, right?

STUDENT
Yeah, he says it was aliens, but, you know, whatever.

SAM
[with exaggerated concern]
Look, man, I – I know this all has to be so hard.

STUDENT
Um, not so much.

SAM
But I want you to know... I'm here for you. You brave little soldier. I acknowledge your pain. Come here.
[grabs him in a hug]
You're too precious for this world.

FLASHBACK FREEZES

INT. HOTEL – DAY

SAM
I never said that!

DEAN
You're always saying pansy stuff like that.

FLASHBACK RESUMES

STUDENT
Well, um... Yeah, uh, thanks.
[SAM releases him]
Thanks for the hug, but, uh, I'm okay. Really. To tell you the truth, whatever happened to Curtis, he had it coming.

DEAN
Why is that?

STUDENT
He's our pledge master. Put us through hell this semester, and got off on it. So now he knows how we feel.

DEAN
[to SAM]
It's okay.

INT. HOTEL – FLASHBACK CONTINUES

[DEAN and SAM return to their hotel room]

DEAN
Still doesn't make a lick of sense. But, hey, at least there's one connection.

SAM
Between what?

DEAN
The victims. The professor and the frat guy – They're both dicks.

SAM
That's a connection?

DEAN
You got anything better to go on, i'd love to hear it.

SAM
[looking in his bag]
Where's my laptop?

DEAN
I don't know.
[SAM continues to search, getting more frustrated]
Think about it. A philandering professor gets a dead girl. A pledge master gets hazed.

SAM
I left it in here.

DEAN
You obviously didn't. I mean, these punishments—they're almost poetic. Actually, it'd be more like a limerick, but still –

SAM
[approaching DEAN]
Okay, hilarious. Ha ha. Where'd you hide it?

DEAN
What, your computer?

SAM
Yeah, where'd you hide it?

DEAN
Why would I take your computer?

SAM
Because no one else could have, Dean! We keep the door locked. We never let any maids in.

DEAN
Looks like you lost it, Poindexter.

SAM
Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you.

DEAN
What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around.

SAM
Yeah? Your dirty socks in the sink, your food in the fridge.

DEAN
What's wrong with my food?

SAM
It's not food anymore, Dean! It's Darwinism. (DEAN: I like it.) All I ask from you, the one thing, is that you don't mess with my stuff!

DEAN
You done?

SAM
You know, how would you feel if I screwed with the Impala?

DEAN
It'd be the last thing you ever did.

FLASHBACK FREEZES

INT. HOTEL

BOBBY
Did you take his computer?

DEAN to Dean
Serves him right, but, no.

SAM
Well, I didn't lose it. 'Cause I don't lose things.

DEAN
Oh, that's right, yeah, 'cause he's Mr. Perfect.

BOBBY
Okay, okay. Why don't you just tell me what happened next?

DEAN
There was one more victim.

SAM
Right. Now, we, we didn't see this one ourselves, either. We kind of put it together from the evidence. But this guy – He was, uh, he was a research scientist. Animal testing.

DEAN
Yeah, you know – a dick. Which fits the pattern.

FLASHBACK 6

EXT. CAMPUS – NIGHT

Research Scientist leaves a campus building, heading towards the street. He sees something shiny in the gutter and stops. He looks around cautiously, then gets down on hands and knees to see it better. It is a gold watch. He smiles and looks excited. He gets all the way down and sticks and arm through the gutter bars, trying to reach it. He struggles. Close on his face as something grabs him. He begins screaming and struggling as blood spatters on his face.


END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

INT. MORGUE – NIGHT

Two flashlights shine through a window. A window latch slides aside as SAM opens it from the outside with a small knife.
DEAN voiceover (indicating this is a flashback)
Cops didn't release the cause of death 'cause they had no clue what the cause was.

SAM (voiceover)
So, we checked it ourselves.

Flashlight in hand, SAM crawls through the window.

DEAN
Hey.
[tosses his flashlight to SAM, then climbs through and shuts the window.

DEAN opens a body drawer and shines his light through. He grimaces.]
Well, this oughta be quick.

[They slide the drawer out and gingerly peel off the bloody blanket, revealing extremely mangled remains]

DEAN
OK, that is just nasty.

SAM (Holding his hand to his mouth and nose, and speaking muffled while trying not to breathe through his nose)
Uh, yeah.

DEAN
Mutilated?

SAM
Looks to me like something was hungry.

DEAN
They identify him yet?

SAM
Yeah, uh, a research scientist at the college. Guess where his office was, by the way. Crawford Hall, same as the professor.

DEAN
That's right where the frat boy had his close encounter.

SAM
Yeah. Hey, grab me that thing, would you?
[DEAN slides a magnifying light over to SAM, who peers through it at the corpse.]
Thanks.

DEAN
What is it?

SAM
Looks like a... A belly scale?

DEAN
A belly scale? From what?

SAM
Uh... An alligator?

DEAN
An alligator in the sewer. Come on.

SAM
What? Well, Dean, it's a classic urban legend. A kid flushes a baby gator down the toilet, and it grows huge in the tunnels.

DEAN
But no one's ever really found one. I mean, th – they're not real.

SAM
Well, neither's alien abduction, but something chomped on this guy.

DEAN
This couldn't get any weirder.

SAM
Maybe we should get some help. I'll call Bobby. Maybe he's run into something like this before.

DEAN
Oh, I'm sure he has. Just your typical haunted campus, alien abduction, alligator-in-the-sewer gig. Yeah, it's simple.

FLASHBACK PAUSES

SAM (PRESENT)
We decided to search the sewer anyway, so we split up, each taking one end of campus.

BOBBY
D'you find anything?

DEAN
Yeah, I found something, just not in the sewer.

FLASHBACK

EXT. CAMPUS – NIGHT

DEAN emerges from the sewer and enteres the alley where the IMPALA is parked. All four tires are flat.

DEAN
Son of a bitch!
[He circles the car and finds a money clip on the ground, engraved with "S.W."]
DEAN
Sam!

INT. HOTEL – DAY

SAM is reading a book as DEAN enters.

DEAN
You think this is funny?

SAM
It depends. What?

DEAN
Th-th-th-the car!

SAM
What about the car?

DEAN
You can't let the air out of the tires, you idiot. You're gonna bend the rims!

SAM
Whoa, wait a minute. I didn't go near your car.

DEAN
Oh, yeah? Huh. Then how'd I find this? [holds up the money clip. SAM pats his pocket, stands.]

SAM
Hey. Give me back my money!

DEAN
Oh, no, no. Consider it reparations. For, uh, emotional trauma.

SAM
Yeah, very funny. Now, give it back.

[reaches for it]

DEAN
No.

SAM
Dean, I have had it up to here with you.

DEAN
Yeah? Right back at you!

[SAM reaches for the money again; DEAN avoids. SAM grabs at him again, tackles him to the bed. They scuffle and fight like kids.] DEAN: Come on!
DEAN
Get off me!

SAM
Give it back!

FLASHBACK FREEZES

INT. HOTEL – PRESENT

BOBBY (interrupting)
Okay, I've heard enough.

DEAN
You showed up about an hour after that.

BOBBY
I'm surprised at you two. I really am. Sam, first off, Dean did not steal your computer.

SAM
But I –

BOBBY (holds out his hand)
Shh, shh, shh, shh! And, Dean, Sam did not touch your car.

SAM (looking at DEAN)
Yeah!

BOBBY
And if you two bothered to pull your heads outta your asses, it all would have been pretty clear.

DEAN
What?

BOBBY
What you're dealing with.

SAM
Uh...

DEAN
I got nothing.

SAM
Me neither.

BOBBY
You got a trickster on your hands.

DEAN snaps.
That's what I thought.

SAM
What?! No, you didn't.

BOBBY
I got to tell you... you guys were the biggest clue.

SAM
What do you mean?

BOBBY
These things create chaos and mischief as easy as breathing, and it's got you so turned around and at each other's throats, you can't even think straight.

SAM
The laptop.

DEAN
The tires.

BOBBY
It knows you're onto him, and it's been playing you like fiddles.

DEAN
So, what is it, what, what, spirit, demon, what?

BOBBY
Well, more like demigods, really. There's Loki in Scandinavia. There's Anansi in West Africa. Dozens of them. They're immortal, and they can create things out of thin air. Things as real as you and me. Make them vanish just as quick.

DEAN
You mean like an angry spirit or an alien or an alligator.

BOBBY
The victims fit the M.O., too. Tricksters target the high and the mighty, knock them down a peg, usually with a sense of humor – deadly pranks, things like that.

DEAN
Bobby, what do these things look like?

BOBBY
Lots of things, but human, mostly.

DEAN
And what human do we know who's been at ground zero this whole time?

[SAM frowns, thinking, then gets it.]

INT. JANITOR'S HOUSE – NIGHT

The Janitor is flipping through a copy of Weekly World News.

JANITOR
[Headline: 'AN ALIEN MADE ME ITS LOVE SLAVE']
Oh, that's a good one.
[Page: Alligator in the sewer]
[Page:... '...CHAINSAWS FAMILY... BODY PARTS STREWN OVER GRISLY SCENE']

We pan out to see the JANITOR [a.k.a. TRICKSTER] in a tacky swinger's pad: velvet armchair, wildly patterned walls, huge mirrors. He's wearing a white tank top and red satin boxers. He whistles to a small, energetic dog, who comes bounding towards him.

TRICKSTER
Come here.
[picks up the dog]
Could you eat? I could eat. Come on.

He gets up and circles to the kitchen, holding a champagne flute. The kitchen table is covered in lavish sweets.

TRICKSTER
Something's missing.
[two scantily clad women appear behind him: one blonde, one brunette; he takes whipped cream on one finger and holds it out; the brunette on his left licks it off.]
That's better.

WOMAN
Mmm! [Throaty chuckles and "mmmm" sounds.]

END ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

INT. CRAWFOR HALL – DAY

The Janitor/Trickster locks a gate with a key attached to his belt. SAM and DEAN follow him up a staircase.

TRICKSTER
Sorry I'm dragging a little ass today, boys. Had quite the night last night. (He turns to look at them.) Lots of sex, if you catch my drift.

DEAN
Yeah, hard not to. Listen, we won't be long.
[signals to SAM behind TRICKSTER'S back]
We just need to check a couple offices up on three.

TRICKSTER
No problem.

SAM
I, uh, forgot something in the truck. You know what? I'll catch up with you guys.

DEAN
Okay.

They turn and begin ascending the stairs again. SAM waits until they're out of sight, then hurries back to the locked gate, pulling out his lockpicking tools. He enters, and rummages through lockers until he finds a copy of the Weekly World News, with the headline "Aliens Abduct Cheerleaders", in one of the lockers.

EXT. CRAWFORD HALL – DAY

SAM and DEAN both exit the building.

SAM
Just 'cause he reads the Weekly World News doesn't mean he's our guy. I mean, you read it, too.

DEAN
I'm telling you, it's him.

SAM
Look, I just think we need some hard proof. That's all.

DEAN
Okay, another thing Bobby mentioned was that these suckers have a metabolism like an insect, a real sweet tooth.

SAM
Well, I didn't find any candy bars or sugar. Not even Equal.

DEAN
Eh, that's probably 'cause you missed something.

SAM
I don't miss things.

DEAN
Oh, right, 'cause you're Mr. Perfect.

SAM
What? Are you really still pissed at me 'cause of what the trickster did?

DEAN
You been a tight ass long before that trickster showed up.

[They stare at each other. From an upper window, Janitor/Trickster is watching them.]

SAM
Look, just...stay here, keep an eye on the janitor. I'll go to his place to see if I can find any actual evidence before you go barging in and staking the man! Just wait till I get back, okay? Okay?

DEAN
Okay!

SAM leaves. DEAN paces. The trickster watches, a serious expression on his face.

EXT. CRAWFORD HALL – NIGHT

Dean is still waiting impatiently.

DEAN
Ah, screw this.

Dean enters the building, poking around cautiously with his flashlight. As he goes up the last staircase he puts the flashlight away and pulls out a large wooden stake. He hears something behind him (Barry White), tucks the stake into his jacket, and enters the theater. On the stage is a round red bed with a tacky canopy and a slowly rotating disco ball. The two women the Trickster materialized earlier are sprawled on it seductively, both in lingerie. As Dean gets to the stage, they crawl towards him.

BRUNETTE
We've been waiting for you, Dean.

DEAN
Y-Y-You guys aren't real.

BRUNETTE
Trust me, sugar, it's gonna feel real.

DEAN laughs nervously

BLONDE
Come on. Let us give you a massage.

DEAN
Wha... You know, I'm a – I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Really, I am, but... I-I'm gonna have to pass.

TRICKSTER
[sitting in the audience]
They're a peace offering. (As the camera scans over one of the women's bra-covered breasts.) I know what you and your brother do. I've been around a while. Run into your kind before.

DEAN
Well, then you know that I... can't let you just keep hurting people.

TRICKSTER
Come on! Those people got what was coming to them. Hoisted on their own petards. But you and Sam – I like you. I do. So treat yourself... Long as you want. Just long enough for me to move on to the next town.

DEAN
Yeah, i don't think I can let you do that.

TRICKSTER
I don't wanna hurt you. And you know that I can.

DEAN
Look, man, I – I got to tell you, I dig your style, all right? I mean [chuckles] I do. I mean (whew) ... and the slow-dancing alien –

TRICKSTER
One of my personal favorites. Yeah.

DEAN
But, uh, I can't let you go.

TRICKSTER
Too bad. Like I said, I like you. Sam was right. You shouldn't've come alone.

DEAN
Well, I'll agree with you there.

[the door slams shut. The TRICKSTER looks back up the stairs to see SAM, just entered, with a large stake of his own. BOBBY stands at the top of the next aisle, also with a stake.]

TRICKSTER
That fight you guys had outside – that was a trick? (Dean smiles.) Hm. Not bad. But you want to see a real trick?

[A masked man with a chainsaw appears near SAM and attacks. The brunette attacks DEAN. The TRICKSTER watches, entertained, as BOBBY and SAM grapple with CHAINSAW MAN and DEAN fights the two women.
TRICKSTER
Ah, ha ha.
Watching the action, chewing a sandwich.
TRICKSTER Ooh. (Dean takes another hit.) Ooh! They throw him into the seats near the TRICKSTER.]
TRICKSTER, clapping.
Nice toss, ladies! Nice show.
[stands]
Dean... Dean, Dean, Dean.
[SAM tosses a stake to DEAN]
I did not want to have to do this.</i>

DEAN
[stabs the TRICKSTER in the chest]
Me neither.

As DEAN grinds in the stake, CHAINSAW MAN and the WOMEN disappear. DEAN pulls the stake out, and the TRICKSTER falls, dead, into a seat.

END ACT FOUR

ACT FIVE

SAM and BOBBY approach.

DEAN
You guys okay?

SAM
Yeah. I guess.

DEAN
Well, I gotta say... he had style.

DEAN groans, and they stagger outside.

SAM
Bobby, thanks a lot. We really couldn't've—

BOBBY
Hey, save it! Let's just get the hell out of dodge before somebody finds that body.

DEAN
Yeah.

SAM
[pausing at the car]
Look, Dean, um... I just want to say that I'm, uh... Um...

DEAN
Hey. Me too.
They look at each other and each nod.

BOBBY comes back out of the car for a moment.
You guys are breaking my heart. Could we please just leave?

SAM and DEAN exchange a look over the top of the car, get in, and drive away.

INT. CRAWFORD HALL THEATER – NIGHT

A figure approaches the TRICKSTER'S body and stands by it. The body shimmers and disappears; the figure is the TRICKSTER, who bites into a chocolate bar and smiles.

END ACT FIVE