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m
What's What’s new?
There's There’s a lotta that goin' goin’ on. In town, I just got a parking ticket.
That's That’s the card Charlie hacked for us, the one --–
That's That’s what I'm I’m saying.
It's It’s Garth.[ Cellphone beeps ]
I'm I’m telling you, man, we're we’re cursed.
We're We’re not cursed, Dean. We're We’re just having a bad day.
'Cause ‘Cause this? I mean...
What's What’s going on? What're What’re you doing?
Who's daddy's Who’s daddy’s big boy?
It's It’s good.
Isn't Isn’t that so good?
It's It’s gotta be.
You've You’ve got more kids?
He'sHe’s, uh -- – Well...
He's He’s hurt pretty bad.
We're We’re not sure. Cops found him down around St. Cloud, in Minnesota.
That's That’s what the cops thought, too, but they're they’re not. They're They’re from a wraith.
I'mI’m, uh...
What's What’s up with your teeth?
You're You’re very strong.
It's It’s my daddy's daddy’s secret recipe. Cure everything and anything.
What's What’s in it?
It's It’s not like all the wolves around here can go to a regular doc. Can't Can’t with all the cow hearts we eat.
Every-- Every-- Every– Every– Everything is burning.
'Cause I've ‘Cause I’ve got you.
Everything's Everything’s fine.
Everything's Everything’s fine.
You're You’re all done. You did good.
I'm I’m sorry. What?
It's It’s from, uh -- – We love "Fifty “Fifty Shades."”
Who's Who’s the hero in that?
Who're Who’re they?
They're They’re friends.
It's -- It's It’s – It’s a place... monsters go.
Can'tCan’t?
Let's Let’s go.
I'm ok--I’m ok–
Can't Can’t believe they got the drop on me.
"Normal"“Normal”?
We're We’re like...friends.
"Maul"“Maul”?
'Cause ‘Cause if you know us, you know the stories.
We've We’ve killed angels, killed demons, Gods, and Alphas.
There's There’s a lot of people -- – lot of monsters -- – out there.
I'm I’m picking the lock.
Can't Can’t get it.
Friggin' Friggin’ normal! That's That’s what.
That's That’s not gonna be easy, okay?
That's That’s us.
We've We’ve been doing this our whole lives.
We're We’re the best in the world.
It's It’s time.
It's It’s time for...
Let's Let’s roll.
It's It’s time.
I've I’ve already got a plan.
We're We’re the Monster Squad.
It's It’s weird. It, like, hurts in my stomach.
It's It’s not even -- It's– It’s, like, up here.
It'sIt’s, like, where my ribs are. I don't don’t know why.
I'll I’ll walk you out.
That's That’s not nothing.
That's -- That's That’s – That’s being a hero.
There's There’s always a catch.
{[Sam hugs Garth]
It's It’s Hai Karate.
Garth's Garth’s right -- – stuff like that, there's there’s always a downside.
punct., ce
==Teaser==
[A woman is beating up a man in a cage fight. He’s knocked to the ground. He gets up and the woman lands several punches, knocking him to the ground again. The crowd is cheering. The man gets up and bares his teeth and claws. He is a werewolf. He slices the woman’s stomach as she attacks him. They circle around each other and a long spike extends from the woman’s wrist. She is a wraith. The fight continues with the wraith slashing and stabbing the werewolf until he is unconscious. The woman jumps around the cage , riling up the crowd as blood pools around the werewolf’s head]
==ACT I==
DEAN
TEDDY
DEAN
What? No, no, no, that'sthat’s...
No, that card's card’s worked for like five years.
TEDDY
I -- – Sorry.
[Sam is blowing on his hands, which are still hot]
[ Door closes ]
[Sam is in the kitchen stressing over the mess as he hears Dean return from the store]
DEAN
DEAN
SAM
Oh, and, uh...
This...doesn't doesn’t work.
[Dean takes the credit card out of his pocket and throws it down on the map table]
SAM
DEAN
Yeah, the one that's that’s supposed to be our "no “no more hustling, always working" working” Golden Ticket.
Nothing.
DEAN
[ Sam sneezes ]
SAM
I don't don’t know. Maybe.
Oh, and -- – and dinner's --dinner’s –
[ Sam sneezes ]
DEAN
Man, this day, I'm I’m telling you --–
[ Sam coughs ]
DEAN
DEAN
GARTH
Hey, Dean, it's it’s Garth.
I, uh --– I need your help.
[Sam sneezes ]
🎶
DEAN
SAM
DEAN
No. No, no, no. This is – This is more than just a no good, very bad day, okay?
Chuck must've must’ve boned us before he left, you know?
Or maybe some of that crap you brought back from Rowena's Rowena’s went sideways.
[ Scoffs ]
Sorry. Look, just...
Okay, listen. Cass is in Heaven -- – seeing if they know where Chuckwent or anything.
DEAN
Oh, yeah, 'cause ‘cause angels, they're they’re always really happy to help.
SAM
And I'm I’m sick, and you got a ticket. It happens.We'll We’ll deal, we --–
[ Engine struggling ]
SAM
DEAN
I don't don’t know.
No, no, baby, don't don’t do this to me. Don't Don’t do this to me.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, baby...
Baby, please don't don’t do this.
Seriously? Oh, come on!
GARTH:
Here comes the airplane!
There we go, buddy.
Hey, Sammy.
Rrrrr.
Oh, yeah, that's that’s good stuff, isn't isn’t it?
[The baby spits all over Garth’s napkin]
GARTH
Hey! There they are. Come in.
SAM
Oh. Oh, I'm -- I'm I’m – I’m sick.
Sorry.
DEAN
And we're we’re done.
[ Clears throat ]
SAM
We, uh -- – W-We had to walk.
DEAN
Yeah, car broke down about 10 miles back. I think it's it’s the plugs.
GARTH
DEAN
Yeah, we're we’re having a super normal day.
GARTH
Okay. Well, no worries. We'll We’ll fix you up.
GERTIE
DEAN
GARTH
Oh-ho-ho, yeah.
Got a couple'a couple’a pups.
[Garth, Sam and Dean walk towards the kitchen]
So, this is my daughter Gertie.
Gertie, say hi to Daddy's Daddy’s friends.
GERTIE
SAM
Wow. That'sThat’s, uh...Wow.
DEAN
That means this one must be --–
GARTH
SAM
Um --–
[ Clears throat ]
GARTH
Oh, not mine, Bess'sBess’s.
I think you should see for yourself.
BESS
I tried to wake him, but he's he’s in and out.
[They are in a bedroom, the werewolf from the cage fight is laying on the bed, bloodied]
BESS
DEAN
This dude's dude’s a werewolf?
BESS
GARTH
DEAN
GARTH
Brad -- – whoever did this to him thought he was dead, and they dumped him in a swamp.
But he somehow managed to climb out, and the cops found his body by the road.
Hmm.
When he comes to, we'll we’ll ask him.
DEAN
Sorry.
BESS
Sick. I know. Come with me. I've I’ve got something for you.
[Dean and Garth follow Sam and Bess out of the room and downstairs]
GARTH
Yeah, better than I ever thought I'd I’d get.
I mean, hunting -- – I figured I'd I’d be dead before I'm I’m 40.
You know, go out young and pretty. But now I've I’ve got a great wife,great kids.
I guess...sometimes things work out.
GARTH
DEAN
Oh, no.
You know what? I'm I’m good.
[Garth muscles Dean into the dental chair]
DEAN
No --–
Ohh.
SAM
Uh, you know, you -- – you -- – you really don't don’t have to --–
BESS
SAM
BESS
What part of "secret" don't “secret” don’t you understand?
DEAN
Garth, you're you’re not a dentist.
GARTH
Anyway, after I left Hunting, I went back to school, got my degree.
Now I've I’ve got a good little practice going.
There.
Fang maintenance is a B. You've You’ve got to floss all the time.
[Sam drinks the juice Bess gave him]
Mm.
Yeah, actually, it's -- it's it’s – it’s not too, uh...
[ Baby coos ]
BESS
I will tell you it's it’s mostly cayenne pepper.
SAM
GERTIE
Mommy, the giant's giant’s crying.
[ Shuddered breathing ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Baby crying ]
DEAN
I 'unno‘unno. Never.
[Upstairs, Sam is still writhing on the floor]]
GARTH
But don't don’t you worry.
[Upstairs]
GARTH
Here we go. You're You’re gonna be fine.
DEAN
[ Gas hissing ]
...I'm I’m doing this for your own good, buddy.
SAM
[ Baby crying ]
Hey, I'm I’m okay.
Big Sam is o-okay.
[ Dean breathes deeply ]
Yeah.
🎶
[ Black and White dream sequence: Dean is dressed in a white tuxedo and hat, holding a cane. Irving Aaronson's "Let's Misbehave" Aaronson’s “Let’s Misbehave” plays. Garth enters, dressed the same, and he and Dean break into a tap dance routine in the bunker. Halfway through Garth exits and Dean dances solo, ending on top of the map table--you table–you just have to see it ]
🎶
🎶
🎶 We're We’re all alone 🎶
🎶 No chaperone 🎶
🎶 Can get our number 🎶
🎶 The world's world’s in slumber 🎶
🎶 Let's Let’s misbehave 🎶
🎶 There's There’s something wild about you, child 🎶
🎶 That's That’s so contagious 🎶
🎶 Let's Let’s be outrageous 🎶
🎶 Let's Let’s misbehave 🎶
🎶 When Adam won Eve's Eve’s hand 🎶
🎶 He wouldn't wouldn’t stand for teasin' teasin’ 🎶
🎶 He didn't didn’t care about 🎶
🎶 Those apples out of season 🎶
🎶 To little lovebirds 🎶
🎶 We're We’re not above birds 🎶
🎶 Let's Let’s misbehave 🎶
[ Scatting ]
🎶 Let's Let’s misbehave 🎶
🎶 Let's Let’s misbehave. 🎶
[ Dean starts to wake up in the dental chair. He’s groggy and his mouth is bloody-he groans as he wakes up]
Hey, Slugger.
DEAN
GARTH
I had to numb him up. He'll He’ll be fine in an hour.
DEAN
GARTH
I mean, apparently Dean's Dean’s never been to a dentist before, and suddenly he got a mouthful of cavities, you're you’re sick, and your car is broken down.
Who did you guys piss off?
BESS
SAM
GARTH
So, he's he’s a writer, and you've you’ve basically been the heroes of his story?
SAM
Huh.
Well, what's what’s that make me? A supporting character? Special guest star?
SAM
No, Garth, it's it’s not like that.
Oh, no, no, no. I want to be the guest star.
Being the hero sucks.
I mean, sure, you'll you’ll probably win eventually, but until you do, your life blows.
Your parents get gunned down in an alleyway.
Your home planet gets blown up.
You, uh, interview this good-looking rich guy, and it doesn't doesn’t go well, so he shows up at the hardware store where you work, and, man, it starts to get, you know...
BESS
GARTH
SAM
GARTH
No, no, no. The point is, the hero thing -- it's – it’s not fun.
Well, I mean, there are some good things about it.
Like, uh, when was the last time that Batman got a flat tire?
Or Superman couldn't couldn’t pay his water bill?
BESS
GARTH
Maybe, yeah. And now you're --you’re –
DEAN [muffled]
GARTH
No -- – normal. For the first time in your lives, you're you’re having normal-people problems.
[Points to Dean]
GARTH
I don't don’t know.
BRAD [from upstairs]
Bess?
[ They all go upstairs]
[Brad is breathing heavily ]
BRAD
GARTH
BRAD
BESS
Brad, they're they’re cool.
GARTH
SAM
Brad, listen, we don't don’t care that you're you’re a werewolf, but you got attacked by a wraith, which is really weird.
Now, we're we’re just trying to understand what happened.
So help us. Please.
Wow. I mean, wow.
With the furrowed brow and the puppy eyes -- – did you see that?
That never actually works for you, does it?
[ Grunts ]
They fight for money.
SAM
Wait a second. So -- – So, you --–
BRAD
Yeah, I needed the cash.
Got three baby mamas -- – I got bills.
SAM
This place -- – where is it?
I know you don't don’t want to tell us, but --–
BRAD
Yeah, well, lot of fangs in there.
You know, I figure you two walk in, they're they’re gonna rip you to pieces.
[ Laughs ]
GARTH
I don't don’t think you should go.
DEAN
Garth, we don't don’t have a choice, okay?
That many freaks in one place? You know they're they’re dropping bodies.
GARTH
Yeah, but the old Sam and Dean, they could've could’ve handled this, no problem.
But you guys...
SAM
DEAN
Hey, look, just because God yanked the magic horseshoe out of our ass or whatever doesn't doesn’t mean that we're we’re gonna give up.
This is our job. It's It’s what we do.
And, yeah, it might be a little harder right now, but so what?
GARTH
All right. Then I'm I’m coming, too.
DEAN
Garth, come on. You got a family, okay?
You got a life. If something went wrong -- – and, right now, with us, everything's everything’s going wrong -- we're – we’re not doing that to Bess,
to the kids.
GARTH
Okay, you're you’re right.
Well, at least let me get you a new set of spark plugs.
DEAN
Isolated, run-down -- – yep, that'll that’ll do Monster Bloodsport.
This should be perfect.
DEAN
Well, I'm I’m a growing boy.
[Dean grabs a duffle bag from the trunk]
SAM
SAM [opening the false bottom in the trunk]
Dean...Extra rounds, dead man's man’s blood, first-aid kit, emergency flares...
DEAN
SAM
Dude, if Garth was right, if we're we’re really normal now, we can't can’t just charge in there guns blazing.
We need to be ready for anything.
DEAN
Well, I guess we'd we’d need a grenade launcher.
[Dean grabs the grenade launcher while Sam puts a variety of weapons and ammunition from the trunk]
Hey, sweetheart.
I don't don’t think we've we’ve used that .38 in about four years.
[Dean aims the grenade launcher and pretends to fire it]
SAM
I --–
DEAN
[ Grunts ]
Not good, that's --that’s –
[ Gurgling continues ]
DEAM
[ Vomiting continues ]
SAM
I didn't didn’t even hear them coming.
DEAN
I win.
Sucks.
So, now you know me, and I know you.
SAM
DEAN
All right. So, what're what’re you? A monster?
CUTTY
CUTTY
But I don't don’t let my gifts define me.
See, more than anything, I'm I’m a sportsman.
See, to me, man, monster, they're they’re at their best, their most pure, in the heat of competition.
SAM
CUTTY
Yeah, sure, I could've could’ve killed you, but no.
I want to see your best.
DEAN
That -- – Maul?
Come on, man. What's What’s your real name, huh?
Marvin? Marion?
Together, though.
I don't don’t want to break up the team.
DEAN
You sure about that?
See, me and my brother here, we've we’ve taken down way bigger fellas than, uh,
[clicks tongue] Meredith here.
[ Growls ]
So why don't don’t you do yourself a favor -- – cut your losses, let us walk out that door before we burn this crap hole to the ground.
CUTTY
ANNOUNCER
Tonight, two of Fight Night's Night’s biggest rivals will face off in the ring again!
Killer Wraith versus Jamaica Djinn!
Who will claim victory, and who will suffer defeat?
And then, in this ring, the mighty Maul returns, and this time, he'll he’ll take on the merciless Winchesters!
Get ready for a...battle royale!
SAM
DEAN
Awesome.
Yeah, it's it’s just how I wanted to die -- – with a freakin' freakin’ audience.
[ Bell dings ]
Fight! [the fight commences in the cage]
[ Roars ]
Ha ha!
[ Clicking ]
DEAN
SAM
DEAN
[ Nail clangs ]
DEAN
Well, dude, if we can't can’t do this, then how the hell are we supposed to take care of Supervamp out there?
SAM
I don't don’t think we can.
[ Crowd booing ]
No way.
Wait. After everything, there's there’s no way that Chuck lets us die like this.
SAM
Or he does, to -- – I don't don’t know -- – to teach us a lesson.
Or maybe we just end up paralyzed.
We gotta win, man.
But you and me?
Not everything we did was because of Chuck.
It was us -- – the blood, the sweat, the tears, man.
[ Crowd booing ]
[ Growling ]
So I say we go out there.
ANNOUNCER:
Your winner -- – Djinn!
[The wraith is helped out of the cage]
🎶
Ladies and gentlemen, it's it’s time for the main event!
Your first fighter, weighing in at 310 pounds, the mighty Maul!
ANNOUNCER
And his opponent -- – sorry, opponents -- – straight out ofLawrence, Kansas.
You know them, you don't don’t like them -- – the Winchesters!
[ Crowd booing ]
CUTTY
Oh, and, boys? Shirts off.
🎶
[ The scene rewinds to people walking into the cage area. The camera zooms in on a guy with a hat covering most of his face. As he passes Cutty, we see that’s that it’s Garth. He walks into the area where Sam and Dean are being held.]
[coughing ]
DEAN
[ Coughing ]
Oh, freakin' freakin’ normal.
[ Bell dings ]
ANNOUNCEER
Your winner -- – Djinn!
SAM [worriedly]
ANNOUNCER
DEAN
GARTH
I tried to call, and when you didn't didn’t pick up, I figured you were super boned.
DEAN
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're We’re super boned.
Super boned! Come on. Get us out of here.
GARTH
DEAN [whispering]
CUTTY
Oh, and, boys? Shirts off.
DEAN
Come on! We gotta -- – We gotta get somewhere!
We gotta regroup! We gotta come up with a plan!
[ The crowd boos as Maul stands in the cage without Sam and Dean] ]
[Garth stops and looks back at the warehouse]
GARTH
SAM
The Monster Squad were the good guys.
[ Garth holds up a radio controller/detonator and extends the atennaantenna. Flashback to Garth walking through the warehouse, before getting to Sam and Dean, dropping explosives in various places in the warehouse ]
[ He pushes the detonator and there is an explosion inside the warehouse ]
GARTH-
C4 --a Hunter's –a Hunter’s best friend.
Cool, right?
SAM [gesturing towards his nose]
Well, still --–
[ Maul walks out of the burning warehouse, roaring. He rolls his neck and his bones crack loudly ]
GARTH
Go! I've I’ve got this.
[Garth turns werewolf and Maul stomps towards him]
Garth!
[ Garth swipes at Maul. Maul hits him and he flies into the back of a dumpster, unconscious. Maul turns to Sam and Dean ]
DEAN
[ Body thuds ]
[ Maul sets his sights on Sam. He stands there, while Sam throws several punches. Maul points to his chin and waits for Sam to hit him. Sam does, to no effect, and Maul hauls off and punches Sam in the face. Sam drops to the ground and Dean jumps up in front of Maul. Dean ‘machine guns’ several punches to Maul’s stomach and then punches him in the face. Annoyed, Maul head buts Dean, knocking him to the ground. It’s Sam’s turn again-he tries to kick Maul but Maul grabs his foot and flips him backwards. Maul picks Dean up and puts him in a choke hold ]
Unh!
[ Dean ‘taps out’ on Maul’s arm and he let’s lets Dean go][
[ Breathes deeply ]
[ Growls ]
GARTH
He got Garth'dGarth’d.
DEAN
[ Higher-pitched and bending over ]
Has my voice gone higher?
==ACT V==
[ Sam and Dean are in Garth’s house, each holding a baby]
[Baby coos ]
DEAN
Uh, you know what?
I think this guy's guy’s got a little something for you.
BESS
GARTH
DEAN
DEAN
Hey, listen, Garth, I just want to say, what -- – what you did --–
GARTH
Nothing? You saved us and blew up a bunch of monsters.
DEAN
[ Garth chuckles ]
DEAN
What? Because we're we’re normal?
GARTH
That, and because the Almighty's Almighty’s after you.
SAM
Um, I, uh...
We don't don’t know.
GARTH
Listen, I wasn't wasn’t gonna say this earlier, but... there might be somethingthat could help.
DEAN
GARTH
I heard this story once about this place you can go if your luck's luck’s gone bad.
SAM
The guy who told me said it was in Alaska, on the road between Barrow and Kotzebue.
He said, "You'll “You’ll know it when you see it," ” whatever that means.
Look, it might not even be real, and you know this stuff works.
And being normal -- – I mean, maybe you'll you’ll get used to it.
DEAN
Thanks for everything.
DEAN [Hugs Garth]
Hey, you know what?
You don't don’t smell too bad yourself.
GARTH
DEAN
You too.
[ Warren Zevon's "Werewolves Zevon’s “Werewolves of London" London” plays ]
🎶 I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand 🎶
🎶 Walking through the streets of SoHo in the rain 🎶
🎶 He was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fook's Fook’s 🎶
[Sam and Dean watch Garth and Bess dancing in their living room]
SAM
I don't don’t know.
And being normal...
For normal people with normal problems.
But you and me? There's There’s zero about our lives that's that’s normal.
And the way things are going, if we don't don’t fix this, we might kill each other by accident.
SAM
DEAN
And if --Chuck comes back, we can't can’t go up against him like this.
[ Sam sniffs ]
