11.20 Don't Call Me Shurley (Transcript)

SUPERNATURAL

11.20 Don't Call Me Shurley

Written by: Robbie Thompson

Directed by: Robert Singer

Air Date: May 4, 2016

THEN

DEAN: Supernatural By Carver Edlund

SAM: What's Carver Edlund's Real name?

DEAN: Chuck Shurley. Who gave you the rights to our life's story?!

CASTIEL: One day, these books-- they'll be known as The Winchester Gospels

DEAN: Wanna know what she is Crowley? How about God's sister.

CROWLEY: He has relatives?

DEAN: So, what? She shows up and everybody goes 28 Days Later? This is Metatron?

CASTIEL: The Scribe of God. We have your grace. You're mortal now.

METATRON: The indignities!

AMARA: I'm looking for God.

DEAN: He didn't feel the need to show up for the Apocalypse.

JOSHUA: He just doesn't think it's his problem.

DEAN: Why would he give a crap now?

SAM: I don't know, Maybe because she's His sister.

AMARA: All your chosen are suffering!

DEAN: Don't count on God. Count on us.

AMARA: Maybe now. He'll hear me.

NOW

(A dog is seen in an alley watching rumbling in a dumpster. METATRON is seen getting up from the dumpster with a sandwich he found. He quickly opens the wrapper and looks inside the sandwich.)

METATRON: Oh! Pastrami... maybe.

(The dog reaches up wanting to have some of the sandwich and starts to whine as METATRON motions to take a bite. He stops and looks at the dog with guilt. He takes some of the "pastrami" and gives it to the dog. The dog starts to eat it and METATRON seems happy that the dog is eating. He throws the bread away and starts to look for more food in the dumpster. He quickly becomes agitated.)

METATRON: (Grunts repeatedly) I GIVE UP!

(METATRON suddenly appears in a bar with the dog who is now resting on the counter.)

♫ I-I love the colorful clothes she wears ♫

♫ And she's already working on my brain ♫

METATRON: (Looks at the dog.) Yeah, Toto. I got a feeling we aren't on Earth anymore, either. (METATRON turns around and notices someone sitting behind him and walks to him.)

♫ But I think of something I just can't explain. ♫

♫ And I'm picking up ♫

♫I'm picking up good vibrations ♫

METATRON: Hello?

♫ She's giving me excitations ♫

♫ I'm picking up good vibrations ♫

♫ Good vibrations ♫

(METATRON notices that it is CHUCK SHURLEY A.K.A. CARVER EDLUND. Chuck waves at him. METATRON stares at himwith a surprised look.)

♫ She's giving me excitations♫

♫ Excitations ♫

METATRON: Carver Edlund?

(Chuck takes out his glasses and puts them on.)

METATRON: What the hell is going on here? What is this place?

CHUCK: It's a bar. Actually--

METATRON: It's not just a bar, genius. This is one of the Big Man's constructs. I'd know His work anywhere. We were besties, you know.

CHUCK: Well, I wouldn't exactly say--

METATRON: This is some kind of punishment, isn't it? For my sins. A limbo where I get to spend eternity in a crappy bar with a hack writer.

CHUCK: (Offended.) Dude--

METATRON: Sorry, chuckles. Not just any hack writer-- a Prophet of The Lord. Give me a break. (Walks away.)

♫ And I wonder what she's picking up from me ♫

METATRON: Tell me, at least, the beer is real in here. (METATRON picks up a cup and fills it up with beer.)

♫ And I'm picking up ♫

♫ I'm picking up good vibrations♫

CHUCK: You really think I'm a hack?

METATRON: (Walks back to CHUCK.) I have trudged through your complete oeuvre.-- published and unpublished. Of the metric ton of books I've read in my lifetime, Supernatural didn't even crack the top ten... thousand. Respectfully.

CHUCK: You didn't like any of it?

METATRON: Mnh-mnh.

CHUCK: Not even Home?

METATRON: No.

CHUCK: Or All Hell Breaks Loose?

METATRON: Ugh! Way too much melodrama. And then you put yourself in the story? God!

CHUCK: Okay. That's fair. Mildly constructive. Still, It doesn't justify you... burning one of my books though. (Chuckles.)

METATRON: What are you talking about?

CHUCK: Tall Tales. You were monologuing to Castiel and you threw one in the fire.

(Flashback to METATRON talking to CASTIEL holding the book Tall Tales by Carver Edlund and throwing it in the fire in Meta Fiction.)

(CHUCK shrugs)

METATRON: How do you know about that?

CHUCK: Oh! I'm sorry. I always forget. People can't see me unless I want them to see me. (Takes out a pair of sunglasses.) Here visual aid. Put these on. It'll help.

(CHUCK hands them to METATRON, but METATRON is still confused.)

CHUCK: Go on, just do it It's a whole thing.

(METATRON takes the sunglasses and puts them on.)

(CHUCK points upward and down as if he flipped a switch. He suddenly glows and METATRON stares at him with shock and amazement.)

♫ King of Kings ♫

♫ And Lord of Lords ♫

METATRON: (Whispers.) You.

♫ And He shall reign. ♫

METATRON: (Whispers.) God.

[TITLE CARD]

ACT ONE

(TOTO looks at CHUCK/GOD and METATRON.)

METATRON: God. You've come back. (METATRON gasps and kneels before CHUCK and makes the sign of the cross.) I can't believe you've come back! I-I didn't mean what I'd said about Supernatural! It's underrated-- due for a reboot! And this bar, it's not crappy at all! It looks just like the one in Cheers! Everybody knows my name! And the lights are very forgiving!

(CHUCK stops glowing and helps METATRON up.)

CHUCK: Okay, yeah, please. All the kneeling and stuff, it's always made me deeply, deeply uncomfortable. Just don't use the G-word okay? Just-Just call me Chuck.

(METATRON stares at CHUCK in silence.)

METATRON: Chuck?

CHUCK: Chuck.

METATRON: (Takes off the sunglasses.) I think I need a stiffer drink. (Walks away uncomfortably.)

(CHUCK sighs.)

SCENE CHANGES TO THE BUNKER

(Dean is seen ironing a white shirt and sprinkles beer on it and takes a sip from the bottle. SAM walks in looking at a news article on his tablet.)

SAM: Oh, perfect. We're gonna need our suits.

DEAN: Tell me you got something on Amara.

SAM: Uh, it's a long shot, but the clock's ticking, right? Whatever Amara's doing to Lucifer.

DEAN: Yeah. Beating on Cass in the meantime.

(SAM hands his tablet to DEAN to show him the article.)

SAM: Yeah. Uh, Hope Springs, Idaho. A guy named Wes Cooper killed himself after killing a co-worker. According to the reports, though, nobody knows why. Apparently he was a perfectly happy guy, and then... snap.

DEAN: So, what? Possession?

SAM: Or he was soulless.

DEAN: It ain't much, but given what we got, I'll take it. (Hands the tablet back to SAM.)

SAM: Yeah.

DEAN: (Gives SAM his shirt.) There you go. (Walks away.)

SAM: Thanks. (SAM looks quizzical and sniffs his shirt.) Dude, quit ironing my shirts with beer!!

SCENE CHANGES TO GOD'S BAR

(CHUCK pours whiskey in a cup and gives it to METATRON. METATRON drinks it.)

METATRON: (Sighs.) So, what you been up to?

CHUCK: Oh, I've been super busy. Yeah, I traveled.

METATRON: Mmm-hmm.

CHUCK: I started a blog. Mostly just pictures of cats.

METATRON: Oh.

CHUCK: They're so cute.

(CHUCK and METATRON chuckle.)

CHUCK: And uh, Oh, I signed up for Snapchat. A-And I started a new series of books. Yeah. Revolution. (CHUCK swipes his hand with a dramatic flourish and stares up contemplating on the books.) But, I don't think it's going anywhere.

METATRON: Revolution?

CHUCK: Yeah.

METATRON: Supernatural?

(CHUCK nods.)

METATRON: Maybe titles aren't your thing.

CHUCK: You're not wrong.

METATRON: (Covers his face with his hands and turns to CHUCK.) Why did you put on the Chuck suit in the first place? How did that make any sense to you?

CHUCK: I like front row seats. You know, I figured I'd hide out in plain sight. You know, plus, you know, acting is fun.

METATRON: (Shrugs in agreement. Takes his whiskey and walks towards CHUCK.) Well... it's an Oscar-worthy performance. But... how did nobody know? I mean, wh-what about that amulet thingy? Y-You told me about it, some... silly charm that burned brightly in the absence of you?

CHUCK: You mean this. (CHUCK takes out DEAN'S AMULET.)

METATRON: (Points at the amulet) Yes! Dean had it! And your fav-- Castiel. They were around you. How did it never--

CHUCK: I turned it off. See?

(CHUCK moves his finger up and the amulet shines brightly. METATRON shields his eyes from the amulet's bright light.)

♫ When I'm not home.♫

CHUCK: I should really put this away. (CHUCK puts the amulet in his pocket. CHUCK chuckles.) You'll never guess where this thing has been this entire time.

METATRON: Look, I don't care about that ugly, old thing or why you were slumming it with the plebes. Let's brass some tacks already, okay?

(CHUCK crosses his arms and awaits METATRON'S questions.)

♫ Oh, when you're home and you know you're all alone ♫

METATRON: You see and hear all. You know what an absolute piece of garbage I've been the last couple of years.

♫ If your mamma wanna visit us ♫

METATRON: Did you bring me here to destroy me?

♫ Tell her I get home bout the break a day ♫

CHUCK: You know what humanity's greatest creation has been?

♫ So, tell her to please stay away ♫

CHUCK: Music. That and nacho cheese. Even I couldn't have dreamt up that deliciousness. But music... is magic. A lot of remarkable music was created in this space. B.G.'s Canteen. Now, it's not as well known as The Bitter End or The Gaslight, but some amazing musicians got their start on this stage. I'm hoping that you and I can tap into some of that old magic and finish what I started a few months ago.

(CHUCK points at the table, METATRON turns around and notices a manuscript. GOD. AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.. METATRON picks it up, looks surprised, and looks at CHUCK.)

♫ You might feel a little sick, baby ♫

♫ And you know you're home all alone ♫

METATRON: You wrote your autobiography.

CHUCK: Ish. I mean, there are chapters, it's kind of a loose structure, uh, but, I don't know, something's missing. I'm--I'm stuck.

METATRON: (METATRON puts the manuscript back on the table.) You want to get the old band back together. Lennon and McCartney ride again.

CHUCK: Well, I'm kind of Lennon and McCartney, so... but every writer needs a good editor. I did some of my best work with you, Metatron.

METATRON: Does this mean I get to be an angel again?

CHUCK: (Laughs and pats METATRON's shoulder) Yeah, right. (Stops laughing) No, no, that's never--never happening.

METATRON: That's probably a good call.

CHUCK: I think so.

METATRON: Well... (METATRON picks up the manuscript.) ...let's do this.

SCENE CHANGES TO THE POLICE STATION IN HOPE SPRINGS, IDAHO

MAC: Appreciate the FBI taking an interest in this case. We don't really see things like this around here.

JAN: Hey, you mind if I knock off, Sheriff?

MAC: Let me guess-- Art's back? Newlyweds.

(DEAN chuckles)

MAC: You can go home after you show Agent Greer the M.E. files.

JAN: Thank you, sir.

SAM: Thanks. (SAM walks away to get the files from JAN)

DEAN: What do you have on Wes Cooper?

MAC: I talked to his friends, family. Nobody can make heads or tails on why he did this. We have a witness who overheard Wes before he took his own life. He was saying things that sounded out of character.

DEAN: Yeah? How so?

MAC: Wes said that his life was meaningless, nobody loved him. It was like every negative thought he had ever had came spilling out. The thing is--

JAN: I knew Wes' wife. We sang in choir together. She loved Wes till the day she died. I don't know why he'd say anything like that. And then there's this.

'SAM: (SAM notices that Wes' veins were black in the autopsy photos.) Hold on a second. I've actually seen something like that before. (SAM picks up one of the photos on Wes' arm.) Deputy, tell me, have you noticed any strange phenomena around town? Uh, sulfur smells or power outages? Maybe an unexplained fog?

JAN: No, sir. It's always sunny in Hope Springs. At least, it used to be.

SCENE CHANGES TO GOD'S BAR

(CHUCK pets TOTO and turns around to see METATRON who is seen wearing glasses and editing the manuscript with a red marker. CHUCK looks over to METATRON to see his progress. METATRON notices CHUCK who looks impatient.)

METATRON: Are you in a hurry or something?

CHUCK: I'm on a bit of a deadline. (CHUCK comes over and sits across from METATRON.) Just give me some broad strokes, first impressions. Come on, hit me.

METATRON: It's good. Real good.

CHUCK: (Worried) Oh, man. You hate it.

METATRON: What? No. I love it. Love it.

CHUCK: Last time I saw that look on an editor's face, I just handed in Bugs. All right, come on. Safe place.

METATRON: (METATRON puts the manuscript down and looks at CHUCK.) Details are what make a story great. This is lacking in some details. Like all of them.

CHUCK: (CHUCK takes the half of the manuscript that METATRON edited.) In the beginning, there was me. Boom--detail. And what a grabber. I mean, I'm hooked, and I was there.

METATRON: I'm hooked too, and yet... details. You weren't alone in the beginning. Your sister was with you.

(CHUCK leans back and crosses his arms.)

CHUCK: (Sternly) Who cares about her?

METATRON: Um... me. For starters. I assume you're aware that she's... out and about.

(CHUCK gets angrier.)

METATRON: Tanned, rested, and ready. I mean, that's why you're back right?

CHUCK: (His eyes filled with anger.) This isn't her story. It's mine.

SCENE CHANGES TO JAN'S HOUSE

(JAN is driving home from the station. She pulls over in front of her house. ART is waiting outside. JEN gets out of her car.)

JAN: Hey.

ART: I thought you were coming home early.

JAN: I'm sorry. Paperwork.

ART: (Looks over JAN'S shoulder.) That follow you in from town?

(JAN looks behind her and notices a dense, white fog coming from behind her.)

JAN: Honey, you want to head inside while I call this in?

ART: (Confused.) It's just fog.

JAN: Hey, you know I'm the law, right?

ART: (Smiles.) See you inside deputy. Don't forget your cuffs.

(JAN smiles. Art walks back into the house. JAN turns on the radio on her uniform.)

JAN: Hey, dispatch, this is 3-William-56. You got your ears on?

DISPATCHER: Aren't you done for today, deputy?

JAN: I am. Listen, I know this might sound odd, but there is a heavy fog headed my way. We expecting any weather like that?

DISPATCHER: No, it's supposed to be clear skies all night.

(JAN turns around to see the fog which has reached her. JAN starts coughing and gasping for air. She falls down and continues to gasp for air and the veins in her arm start to turn black and starts to spread quickly. She looks up and appears to be under a trance.)

ACT TWO

SCENE CHANGES TO GOD'S BAR

(CHUCK is seen playing pool by himself and METATRON seems to have finished editing the manuscript. METATRON takes off his glasses, walks over to the counter with a cup, and fills it up with whiskey.)